What do you say to a guy who is dying?

[widebody911]

I have a neighbor around the corner who has lived here almost as long as I have. I'm guessing she's in her early 50's; she has a boyfriend about the same age, they've lived together for a couple of years or so. They're nice people, although I haven't really socialized with them a lot; went to another neighbor's house with them for a dinner party last year, and then all of the same neighbors all came to our house for a xmas party last year.

She dropped by my house yesterday with some bad news and a request. The boyfriend has been diagnosed with stomach cancer, and he has maybe two weeks to live. He was diagnosed too late, and there wasn't much they could do for him. He's in home hospice care; she is a nurse, which probably helps. She told me that he wanted me to come by and see him before he goes. Although we didn't hang out much, we did have the "car thing" in common. He was into later-model Mercedes cars, although I probably shouldn't hold that against him under the circumstances.

I'm planning on going over later today. His family (who love out-of-state) were here visiting for the past week, and they left this morning.

I'm not sure what to say. I really don't know him that well, and the only other times I've talked to him was at one of these social gatherings or saying "hi" when he went by while walking the dog.

Thoughts?

[silverc4s]

By all means go for a visit. Be a good listener, he may just want to talk cars, or he may have a specific request that you can be of help with. You will feel much better for the experience.

[pavulon]

If he's well enough, ask her if he would want to go for a ride in a Mercedes you scared up?

[genrex]

Remember to be patient and wait for him to talk. He may be taking pain meds that cloud his thinking a bit, so remember to relax and let him find the words to talk. I agree with Bill that he might have a special request for you. You could prompt him (if necessary) by asking if there's anything you can do for him.

Also it would be good to say you've enjoyed knowing him, and enjoyed having him for a neighbor, and you will miss him. And a long hug would be very cool.

_

[id10t]

Any chance of borrowing a super nice car he'd appreciate and taking him for a spirited drive?

[ossiblue]

Yes, all good advice. Remember, he specifically requested your visit so you are important to him regardless of how casual your relationship is. Don't worry about what to say, it will come at the appropriate time and it will feel natural to you. It is a good suggestion to ask his friend about his medication and if he may be disoriented but that should not change your mission to listen and offer what he feels he needs from you.

[Seahawk]

Since you don't know him, tough call...I'd avoid false sentimentality at all costs, he'll get plenty of the real stuff, hopefully.

If it gets awkward, ask him about his life, where he was born, how he met the GF, etc: play that as it lays.

Under no circumstances tell him you understand anything about what he is going through since you don't...also, no, "I knew a guy..." stuff.

I know you know, but sometimes discomfort sets in.

When my Mom was dying she wanted to be treated normally, a day in the life. That is the sum of what I know.

[MRM]

Offer to wheel him around if he's able. Otherwise, bring the newspaper and offer to read to him. Otherwise, just be normal around him, don't act weird, just respectful and solem.

[widebody911]

Thanks guys; I'm going to head over in a little bit.

[Jim Bremner]

Ask him if he has anything that he needs taking care of that he can't ask his girlfriend to do.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by Jim Bremner

Ask him if he has anything that he needs taking care of that he can't ask his girlfriend to do.

Good thinking!

[Jim Bremner]

I cleared out a porn stash for a man. I left it in my cab of my truck for one! just one day and two of my four sons found it and I found out that they knew 3rd hand so I had to concoct a story of that I found it on our front lawn and if they found any before I did to clean it up prior to their younger brothers gettin their hands on it.

[9dreizig]

Good luck he must have some faith in you and has things to say.. just be a good listener and let him know you're there if he needs anything

[widebody911]

Originally Posted by Jim Bremner

I cleared out a porn stash for a man.

I'm getting one of these

[ErVikingo]

Lend an ear.

A friend used to drive another one of our friends in his final days fighting cancer since he could not drive his dream car anymore. They would get on the GT3 and go carve some roads.

I hear those were great memories for both of them and hearing about it brought a sense of peace. He was allowed to enjoy life even when life was leaving him.

[widebody911]

I went over just a little bit ago. When I got there, his quietly SO "coached" me on his condition and that he would probably be strong enough for no more than 10 minutes or so. Then she took me to his room, which was their home office with a day bed in it and a space heater cranked up to 11. He was in no shape to go for a ride in anything faster than a gurney.

He was in bad shape - he could barely talk and I had a hard time hearing him when he did. The SO sat with us, which made the whole thing easier. He basically thanked me for coming by, and made random chitchat. He talked about how he was glad to have various people around him and this is the way he would have wanted things to play out. He told me how his potential/hopeful son-in-law was going to finish up his Mercedes project (an older 300D).

After about 15 minutes or, you could tell he was getting winded, and the SO threw me a subtle signal that it was time to go. He managed to drag himself up off the bed to give me me a hug, and then I left. I wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.

[mreid]

Drop by the local Mercedes dealer and pick up a copy of MB magazine. Leave it with him or read a few notes of interest. When my wife was dying, she just wanted the company of others. Cancer sucks.

[BeyGon]

Just went through this with a car friend, he found out he had cancer about a year ago, did all the Kemo and suffered the pain. He died last Monday. I called him about every week, saw him about once a month, we just BSd, mostly talked about my rock carving, no need to ask how he felt, he would just say things aren't getting better and they won't. I once talked about afterlife, we had similar views, I said hey when you get there if you see we were wrong, send me a sign. We did laugh about that one.
Last week he said the pain was getting really bad, I felt bad but there really isn't much you can say.
He was a great guy and I liked hanging around with him.
I will not ever do the Kemo crap.

[WolfeMacleod]

Just lost my best friend and mentor of 28 years. Diagnosed with bowel cancer three years ago, perforated and went septic just before Xmas. He passed on Feb 28th, at 89 years.
I spent almost every day there from Xmas till he passed, and we spoke a lot.
Something he said to me, I'll never forget.

"Getting old isn't for sissies"

I was there the night he passed away.



Let him know he's cared for.

[mikesride]

Originally Posted by BeyGon

Just went through this with a car friend, he found out he had cancer about a year ago, did all the Kemo and suffered the pain. He died last Monday. I called him about every week, saw him about once a month, we just BSd, mostly talked about my rock carving, no need to ask how he felt, he would just say things aren't getting better and they won't. I once talked about afterlife, we had similar views, I said hey when you get there if you see we were wrong, send me a sign. We did laugh about that one.
Last week he said the pain was getting really bad, I felt bad but there really isn't much you can say.
He was a great guy and I liked hanging around with him.
I will not ever do the Kemo crap.

BeyGon.....I hope you never have to make the choice, but I will do Chemo AGAIN if needed.....and AGAIN if needed some more......yes it was brutal, but I'm still here!!!
I am really sorry to hear about your friend, and I think the OP did the right thing. Good on you!!!