How to get the car keys away from elderly father

scottmandue · 01:59 PM

Mom is 90 dad is 88, mom is in a walker and effectively blind, she watches TV with dad but when we put food in front of her she can't tell what it is. She hasn't driven in several years so no problem there.

Dad on the other hand, obviously at his age his reaction time is not the best... but more to the point his vision is getting worse. He had cataract surgery that left him with one eye blurry, he wears glasses and his other eye is suspect/marginal.

We have had several discussions with him about putting down/taking away the car keys. He is part of the WWII generation and there is no 'give up/in' in him.

We have been talking with him and among ourselves for years about getting him out from behind the wheel but he won't budge.

Frankly is is a danger to himself and everyone on the road.

We are in California, any suggestions on how to force the issue?

Jim Bremner · 05-13-2013, 09:21 AM

shank the tires?

McLovin · 05-13-2013, 09:22 AM

Found this with a 10 second Google ("report elderly driver to dmv"), might help

Senior Driver Information Priority Reexaminations

id10t · 05-13-2013, 09:23 AM

Car won't start due to ..... disconnected battery, disconnected spark plug wires, etc.

Then have a family sit down and have the serious discussion.

dad911 · 05-13-2013, 09:48 AM

Can you provide them a better option that doesn't compromise their independence?

We found a car service for my mom. She protested at first, but loves it now. Church, Senior meetings, etc.... goes out a few times a week and it runs $250ish a month, not much more than maintaining a car.

not sharp · 05-13-2013, 10:06 AM

Speak to his primary care physician. the Doc has the right and power to revoke.

rusnak · 05-13-2013, 10:20 AM

Hire a hot nurse to drive him around

biosurfer1 · 05-13-2013, 10:38 AM

Different generation but I think my dad (baby boomers) learned a bit from their parents regarding situations like this and listen to their kids more.

I have already told my mom and dad that there will not be any discussion, once it is obvious to my sister and I that things need to change (driving, etc) we will tell the honestly, help them deal with it (car service is great) and if they put up a fuss, no more grandkid visits, holidays etc. Harsh? Probably but having them safe along with the general public means more to me than hurting their feelings because they don't agree.

fastfredracing · 05-13-2013, 10:54 AM

We went through this. with Traci's Dad. We begged and pleaded, and finally just took and hid all the keys. Sneaky old guy had a spare set for his van. I remember coming home from work one day, and it looked like the van had moved, and sure enough , the motor was warm.
Pulled the fuel pump relay, and fuse. It felt ****ty to do it, but he was clearly endangering not only his own life, but others on the road. He would go out, and get lost, and run out of gas. I had to pick him up a bunch of times, when the police found him disorientated, and out of fuel on the side of the road. It was at their suggestion that I did it. There was one time, where he had sat so long on the side of the road out of fuel, that he soiled himself , waiting for someone to come by and pick him up. He really hated me for taking away his freedom but it is what it is. I tried to take him for rides in the evening, and weekends to get him out of the house.

RWebb · RWebb's Garage

let him keep the keys - just file them down so they don't work - he'll never figure it out

tharbert · tharbert's Garage

+1 for talking to his doctor. They won't hesitate to pull the plug on a license if there is a medical reason. I have a BIL in early stage dementia and the doctor pulled his license as soon as my sister asked.

scottmandue · 05-13-2013, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by id10t

Car won't start due to ..... disconnected battery, disconnected spark plug wires, etc.

Then have a family sit down and have the serious discussion.

Dad has worked on his own cars since... his model T... no, I'm not kidding... and he has AAA.

Quote:

Originally Posted by not sharp

Speak to his primary care physician. the Doc has the right and power to revoke.

Tried this, Doc patient confidentiality, blah, blah, blah, didn't work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by biosurfer1

Different generation but I think my dad (baby boomers) learned a bit from their parents regarding situations like this and listen to their kids more.

I have already told my mom and dad that there will not be any discussion, once it is obvious to my sister and I that things need to change (driving, etc) we will tell the honestly, help them deal with it (car service is great) and if they put up a fuss, no more grandkid visits, holidays etc. Harsh? Probably but having them safe along with the general public means more to me than hurting their feelings because they don't agree.

Great idea but stopping dad is like stopping Churchill, General Macarthur, and Mike Tyson all rolled into one.

We have been begging him to give up driving for five years to no avail, he is the patriarch of our family and owned his own business… he gives orders he does not take them.

We have decided when my wife and I retire we will move to a small town were we can walk or take a golfing cart anywhere we need to go... or somewhere with excellent mass transit (Portland OR., Boston, etc.) so we can give up driving.

Quote:

Originally Posted by McLovin

Found this with a 10 second Google ("report elderly driver to dmv"), might help

Senior Driver Information Priority Reexaminations

^^^This is what will probably end up happening.

onewhippedpuppy · 05-13-2013, 11:24 AM

One thing worth considering, losing his license doesn't mean that he has lost the ability to drive, only his legal right to do so. If you don't take his keys there's still the risk that he could choose to go out for a drive on his own, the law be damned.

My parents had to make this decision with my grandmother a few years ago shortly after my grandfather died. She put up a fight until they made the point that their concern was she would kill someone else, not herself. Put in that context she "got it" and gave in, albeit with some grumbling. She now lives with them and bought a van for them to drive her around in so she could be comfortable.

vash · vash's Garage

this in an awful dilemma. good luck...i imagine someone will need to steal my car keys in the future..i wont go quietly. i can picture my stubborn ass being a menace to traffic as well.

asphaltgambler · 05-13-2013, 11:54 AM

We went through this with my Mom a few years back. Dad sold her car telling her that they needed the money that if she needed to go somewhere she could use his................but he hid the keys to his car. She passed before him. When his health started to decline he recognized that he was uncomfortable driving anywhere but short local commutes in a somewhat rural area.
My sister would often drive him when he wanted to get out or go further into the city. We were lucky at that I guess.

Rick Lee · Rick Lee's Garage

We did this to my grandfather and beloved Nissan pickup. But he was an engineer and a WWII-era MacGyver. Disabling the truck barely slowed him down. He had no problem figuring out the fuel pump relay and other tricks my dad did. The foot came down when he got it running, drove to the mall, called my mom and couldn't tell her where he was, how he got there or how to get home.

Aragorn · 05-13-2013, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by id10t

Car won't start due to ..... disconnected battery, disconnected spark plug wires, etc.

Then have a family sit down and have the serious discussion.

+1
That is the way most of my family does it. There is a way to disable any car without it being readily noticeable. Fuses pulled like fastfred said or pull the connections off the plug wires and leave the boots. Look around and see if you can't find a dead coil for his car and replace it. If none of that works put a club on the steering wheel.

These are all just ways of delaying the inevitable though. Collect a few articles about serious senior driving accidents and get the family adults together for a sit down. His immediate family needs to have the sit down with him to go over the facts of life. Hate to put it this way but his life as well as the others on the road is worth more than this little bit of freedom he now enjoys. If he is rational he will understand. If not he will cuss and throw a tantrum. Then you take the keys and permanently disable this car and all the others he is going to buy.

afterburn 549 · 05-13-2013, 12:53 PM

One has to approach this with his dignity in mind...

genrex · 05-13-2013, 01:20 PM

Do what McLovin said in post # 3, and consider yourself damn lucky you live in California because many states don't have that option.

Just check the box that says you're reporting this anonymously.

No muss, no fuss.

_

scottmandue · 05-13-2013, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genrex

Do what McLovin said in post # 3, and consider yourself damn lucky you live in California because many states don't have that option.

Just check the box that says you're reporting this anonymously.

No muss, no fuss.

_

There is no box to check... In the link it say "a letter to the DMV from a concerned family member", there is no guarantee the DMV won't say "you son sent us a letter telling us you are unfit to drive."

Even at that, they won't revoke his license just test him.

I don't mind being the heavy and writing the letter... and I expect he won't pass the test.

I m the youngest son and it sucks because everyone in the family howls and moans about what a hazard dad is on the road.

And I am going to have to be the one that does something about it...