Elderly Parents And Their Bizarre Thought Processes

[jyl]

Okay, since we have been talking about the frustrations of elderly parents, here is my rant - just a small matter, but . . .

78 y/o dad and stepmom drive from San Jose to Portland on Friday to attend a Saturday funeral. On the way, their car's AC dies. On Saturday, they leave my house in Portland and drive to the funeral an hour away. On the way to the funeral, the Check Engine light comes on and the Temp light starts interimitently lighting. On the way back, the Check Engine light is still on and the Temp light is intermittently lit. They keep driving, because he thinks maybe it will "get better", and arrive back at my house. Upon their arrival, I see a belt hanging from the car. It is the serpentine belt that drives the water pump and AC compressor. The car is low on coolant although not crazy low (about a quart low in the radiator, plus overflow tank empty).

On Sunday I find a serpentine belt at the local NAPA and replace it, also refill coolant. Car runs normally with no warning lights. Although there is a bit of mechanical noise. No smoke from exhaust. Oil level normal. I should mention the car is a 2011 Prius w/ 200K miles. I think the only reason the engine is still running is that my dad drives 55 mph on the freeway, and at that speed the engine only runs intermittently, so it had a chance to cool down.

On Monday (today) we take the car to the Toyota dealer. Diagnosis is seized AC compressor, AC compressor clutch friction material all burned off, most likely that caused the belt to break. They think the mechanical noise may be the AC compressor or clutch. No new AC compressor available until Friday, four days from now, and they cost $700. Dad and stepmom are supposed to drive home to San Jose tomorrow.

Interestingly, the magnetic clutch relay for the AC compressor has been removed and jumpered, so the AC compressor clutch was engaged constantly and the compressor running constantly, instead of cycling on and off. When asked, my dad says they had a problem with the AC not turning on so his local mechanic bypassed the relay so that the AC would run constantly. I don't know if that was my dad's idea or the mechanic's idea.

I call around and find a $100 used AC compressor with 64K miles at a dismantler, that can be had by 4 pm today. The dealer says they will install the used compressor and recharge the AC, it can be done by Tuesday (tomorrow) am.

My dad declines. He instructs the dealer to disable the relay so that the AC compressor clutch will not engage, and he and stepmom will drive the car 11 hours home with no AC.

I'm irritated.

Yes, I think he does have a 90% chance of getting home without a breakdown. The AC compressor pulley turned freely when I changed the belt, and the clutch is burned out anyway. The dealer is warning that the AC compressor pulley could itself seize, but I think that is unlikely. Still, I wonder why not get the repair done and drive home in comfort? Car parts aren't cheaper in San Jose than in Portland, there is no sales tax in Oregon, the dealer's labor charge might only be $100-200 more than what my dad's local mechanic will charge, and I question that local mechanic's competence (maybe that is unfair).

Well, it is his decision, and if he is wrong the consequences aren't life or death. I told him to pick up an extra belt when he retrieves his car, and I'll loan him the tools necessary to install that belt if need be (it is a 15 minute job, all done from overhead). He has a cellphone and a roadside service membership. Highway 5 isn't completely deserted.

I should add my dad is knowledgeable about cars, he taught me to repair them.

This is what I'm seeing as he ages. He is stubborn, wilful, unwilling to make decisions, wants to think everything though for days or weeks before acting. Being Chinese, he is also very cheap, although he has plenty of money to pay for this repair.

He's been wanting to replace this car for years, but keeps waiting for a hybrid minivan from Toyota or Honda. I keep telling him there is no sign that either company plans to release one in the US in his lifetime. Doesn't matter. He insists he wants a minivan so that he can "go camping". I keep telling him that he doesn't camp and hasn't camped in 30 years. Doesn't matter. He says he needs a minivan so that he can carry big things. I keep telling him he can't lift big things in/out of a minivan. Doesn't matter.

Arrgh?

P.S. New belt breaks as he is driving the 1 mile home from the dealer. So my wife is at the dismantler and she and my dad will try to get the car back to the dealer before 6 pm closing time. Sigh.

[JavaBrewer]

My Dad is in his early 80's. After a visit to my home 5 years ago he decided he liked my King and Kentia palms and set out to plant some in his .10 acre yard. He now has 84 trees total in the ground - all planted in a row like a nursery. Spoke with him today and he's got another 4 trees being delivered this week - 15 gallon container sized.

[Evans, Marv]

I'm six years younger than your dad. My wife has always called me stubborn, but that's something I've always been to a slight extent. However I do see these sorts of changes in old friends. My best friend from high school has become so stubborn and critical, I really don't care to spend that much time around him anymore. He has three grown kids, and two don't talk to him. His wife hasn't had anything substantive to do with him for years now for the same reason, I think. I've thought I should have a serious discussion with him, but don't think it would be productive. He's an active guy & retired attorney & not dumb, so I haven't figured out for sure what's going on. Sofar I'm happy I'm still open to discussion on my views of life. Hope I'm not living in old people's dreamland.

[jyl]

Originally Posted by Evans, Marv

I'm six years younger than your dad. My wife has always called me stubborn, but that's something I've always been to a slight extent. However I do see these sorts of changes in old friends. My best friend from high school has become so stubborn and critical, I really don't care to spend that much time around him anymore. He has three grown kids, and two don't talk to him. His wife hasn't had anything substantive to do with him for years now for the same reason, I think. I've thought I should have a serious discussion with him, but don't think it would be productive. He's an active guy & retired attorney & not dumb, so I haven't figured out for sure what's going on. Sofar I'm happy I'm still open to discussion on my views of life. Hope I'm not living in old people's dreamland.

Since you are alert to the issue, I'd guess you are not [in dreamland].

My theory is that we will all get there sooner or later.

Well, I have an aunt in her early 80s who has no short term memory, a mother in law in her mid 80s who is on oxygen 24/7, etc - so I suppose being stubborn isn't the worst thing.

[Gogar]

My dad is 88, and in the past 3 years or so he's spent about $10,000 on his 1990 Cadillac, replacing all the fuel lines, radiator hoses, rubber, seals, radiator, fuel injectors, etc. Really transformed the car from about a $2,000 car up to about a $2,250 car. It's categorized under "mental health / therapy expenses."

[URY914]

A weeks ago we packed up my mother-in-law's crap and moved her to live with my sister-in-law. We packed that truck with more worthless crap than I could ever believe. She used to enjoy sewing and making crafts. She had three sewing machines, boxes of material, thread, books, patterns, buttons, zippers, etc, etc,etc. She hasn't sewn anything but a button on her house coat in 10 years. My sis-n-law has no room for this stuff so they had to rent a $torage unit. Those boxes will NEVER come out of that unit before she dies.

Sad, but my daughter will probably be doing the same thing with my P-car crap in (I hope) about 25 years.

[HardDrive]

Went to my dads house with my 10 year old daughter in tow. Don't recall why, but I went in their bedroom, and noticed his Sig Sauer 220 .45 sitting on the table next to his bed. Its loaded. I mention to my dad that he should put the gun away when the kids are in the house. He says, "Why? They're not stupid, they won't mess with that." Safety first!

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by URY914

Sad, but my daughter will probably be doing the same thing with my P-car crap in (I hope) about 25 years.

My father had a collection of antique MB's.

Also had a habit of buying rust buckets and chopping them for parts.

We went through 3 of the large 20 foot long dumpsters and still had a 26' truck packed full of stuff we kept for the 190 and 220.

There were 5 of us at the house for a week clearing out the garage and workshop on the second floor.

We were happy to be done when one of my childhood friends who still lived in the neighborhood poked his head into the attic above the shop.

"uhhhh, guys"

We found 2 complete cars, sans chassis, in pieces up there.

No idea how my father got them up there or how long they'd been there.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by JavaBrewer

My Dad is in his early 80's. After a visit to my home 5 years ago he decided he liked my King and Kentia palms and set out to plant some in his .10 acre yard. He now has 84 trees total in the ground - all planted in a row like a nursery. Spoke with him today and he's got another 4 trees being delivered this week - 15 gallon container sized.

15 gallon is a nice size to use - still moveable without a dolly (although a dolly is the way to go for anything over 7 gallon).

I love Kentia Palms. I used to grow them when I first got out of school at a wholesale nursery in Apopka.....along with a gazillion other tropical plants.

How about Solitaire Palms (Ptychosperma elegans)? Do you have those out there? One of my favourites....

Here's a triple trunk Solitaire I planted at a project a number of years ago....

[Jim Richards]

I can't wait until I'm old enough to pull this crap on my son. Hey, got off my lawn!!!

[Targa Me]

Originally Posted by jim richards

i can't wait until i'm old enough to pull this crap on my son. Hey, got off my lawn!!!

+1

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Jim Richards

I can't wait until I'm old enough to pull this crap on my son. Hey, got off my lawn!!!

How old do you figure is old enough? I'm 64 and I'm already pulling the age card. I hope it isn't inappropriate.

I'm adopting her attitude - "I'm older and I have better insurance."

[jcommin]

I younger than your dad, I'm 64 yet I'm probably more stubborn than ever. Both of my sons have pointed this out to me and I have made a conscious effort to throttle back my stubbornness. Believe me I need to work on it.

I recall my dad being extremely stubborn at the age I am now. So here is my take on this:

The mind does not age - I'm not at the forgetful stage but I still think I'm capable of doing anything. Mentally maybe, physically no and that is my disconnect. I recently moved and as much as I tried to lift boxes and move furniture, my body wouldn't let me. I think with my dad and myself is was admitting you weren't strong anymore and to refrain from thinking it is a sign of weakness and now having to rely on someone else. That, to me, is the hard part, admitting you need help (it is a pride thing).

Please don't be so hard on your dad. I finally got it. The older I get, I know, I won't be able to do what I use to do. Aging isn't easy and every decade the body declines. It was almost better reasoning with a toddler that my dad. At least I could pick up the toddler.

Just remember: you will get old someday too!

[jcommin]

Originally Posted by wdfifteen

How old do you figure is old enough? I'm 64 and I'm already pulling the age card. I hope it isn't inappropriate.

I'm adopting her attitude - "I'm older and I have better insurance."

I remember this scene! The other thing I noticed is I just don't put up with allot of crap than I did when I was younger. I just call it out.

[afterburn 549]

They are old enough to do what they want. If you are lucky you will attain it too!
Be kind to them while they are still here.
If that is the worse thing that ever ever happens to you ( and them ) Life is good.
And as the old Sgt. told me " is that the Mtn. you want to die for?"
You get one chance. just one.

[sand_man]

Originally Posted by JavaBrewer

My Dad is in his early 80's. After a visit to my home 5 years ago he decided he liked my King and Kentia palms and set out to plant some in his .10 acre yard. He now has 84 trees total in the ground - all planted in a row like a nursery. Spoke with him today and he's got another 4 trees being delivered this week - 15 gallon container sized.

This brought me to tears!!! Thank you for the laughs!

[sand_man]

Though I'm highly skilled with most things mechanical, especially auto related, my father should stay away from all things involving more than one moving part!!!! He taught me every thing I know about my love of cars and racing, but he has no skillz!!!! NONE!!!! ZERO!! And growing up we had them all: MGs, Alfas, Porsches, Healeys, Triumphs VWs, Fiats, Volvos, et all! His "tool kit" consisted of a butter knife and a rusty pair of pliers! Growing up, the household motto was learn to live without, when something broke!!! I have no idea where I developed my love of tools and doing things the right right way, the first time, but it wasn't from him!!! I love him to death and he's my best friend, but....SHEEESH!!!

[LeeH]

My 70ish FIL knows everything. I know nothing. Been an issue between us for years. Once he was instructing his 1st year driver granddaughter to be sure and shift her automatic transmission car into neutral if her car ever started to slide on ice. I suggested that feet off the pedals and looking / steering in the direction she wanted to go until the car straightened up was more in line with what I had learned attending several driving schools. He made it clear that his driving knowledge /skill was way beyond anything I could have learned in a school.

My favorite "discussion" we had was after a big wind storm. He said one of the vent covers had been blown off the roof of his house. I went in the back yard and found a large metal square. Looking up, I see the chimney cap is missing from the chimney and that the expanded metal is bent. I look at the piece of metal in my hand and can see the marks on the bottom where the expanded metal was once welded. I made my best attempt at tact when I went in the house and said, "Yah know... I took a look and I'm pretty sure that's your chimney cap, not a vent cover." Without so much as leaving his chair, he declared, "Naw... it's a vent cover." He got very angry when I asked him to come outside and take a look. The MIL shut him down and told him get out of the chair and go outside. It was fun to watch him squirm when he realized I was right. I played it cool and told him we should run over the Lowes and pick up a replacement so I could install it while we were there. Never got an apology, but he was a lot nicer to me the rest of the visit.

What did I refrain from saying? "I want you to remember how wrong your were about this. In the future, when you think I'm an idiot and have no idea what I'm talking about, keep in mind that you may be just as wrong in the future as you were today."

[71scgc]

My mother is 75. Me and my brother are still 12 to her. Tells us how to do everything. Tells us how to drive to places we've been driving to all our lives. And the driving!! Total leadfoot. Stoplight drags everyone. Refuses to let anyone get in front of her, gets POed when they do. Says it makes her feel better. She thinks there is a band of thieves lurking right outside the door, ready to steal all her worthless crap.
*****es continuously about stuff she has no control over (mostly other people). Remembers stuff from 60 years ago with vivid clarity, down to what she was wearing even. 60 seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months ago...not so much. Has a 2 to 3 week horizon on any conversation we have, meaning we have the same discussion over and over again.
It's getting worse.
And it's getting old.
She made my father miserable for his last days alive. He almost left her. It floored me when he told me that about 2 months before he died. Now she's trying to do the same to her sister.
I can forgive all of this, except what she did to my Pop.
I keep it to myself though.

Thanks...That felt good.

Carter

[Math]

my mom is 71. she went coucou mid winter this year.
Completely lost it. complete paranoid psychosis: sees people lurking in woods, their friends are trying to steal their land, my dad is dying, etc etc....she had to be hospitalized in the spring and she did not got out since. at least my dad can relax a bit now. he has hunting guns, the stuff that could had happened...she proposed him a suicide pact at some point. he said he wasn't quite ready.
out of the blue. never had mental issues before, we don't know what happened.
her treatments and the meds at the hospital don't seem to help much.
I'm grateful my older brother lives close to them and has experience with elderly, he his a nurse in an old age place. so that's good.
my wife is pregnant with the first grandchild of the family, so the timing is wack...

everybody is getting old, those are grownup problems.