My parents yelled at me and I still love them.

[mikester]

I don't mean run of the mill yelling, I remember one time my dad went for my throat over my grades. I don't remember my mom losing it on me as dramatically but I remember her losing it on my brother and sister. Never physical but seriously blowing up.

I also know that there were moments we deserved it and moments we may not have and other things that might have weakened my parents skills to the point where they were likely only capable of dealing with us that way because either we or life had just worn them down to that point.

Why do I say this? I yell at my kids, granted I'd like to do it less and over the years I have worked to manage my anger better. Sometimes I even succeed. I have two extremely rambunctious boys. Boys who like boys are constantly making poor decisions like boys do.

Today they were being especially stupid and I grilled them in the parking lot of the park we were at. I was bothered by other things, weakened by them in fact. They did not deserve all of it but they got yelled at and I knew I was in the park and I just didn't care. They were being disrespectful of other people's property. I'm trying to teach the older one that his actions have consequences and if he wants freedom and my trust then he needs to make better decisions. He's 10, I have high expectations and I am not going to lower them because I believe in them. The younger one needs to learn this as well...

Anyway, I yelled at my kids in the park before hockey practice.

I came back to the car afterward practice and there was an anonymous note telling me how much the anonymous coward writer of the note hates their own father because he yelled at them.

My dad was enlisted in the air force. I saw kids abused by real great parents, I saw wives and mothers abused by real great men who couldn't cope with the hand they drew in life. I saw husbands abused by wives who couldn't cope with their own lives.

I also saw parents who were great and treated their kids with respect and taught them how to be upstanding members of the community. Who taught them the value of responsibility and held their children to high standards. My parents were like that AND they still yelled at me. I still love them. I still respect them.

I try not to yell at my kids, sometimes I fail. Sometimes they deserve it and sometimes they don't.

My kids know I love them. My kids are excited to see me when I get home and will be able to take care of themselves when they are adults. We discuss emotions and dealing with anger and I apologize to them when I yell at them because I'm bothered by other things and pushed over the edge by something they have done. They know that sometime their parents are yelling at them not because of what they have done alone but because of life. They are also allowed to respectfully ask us if what they have done is all that is bothering us - they have been given that power because my wife and I know we aren't perfect parents. That we will yell at them and we want them to understand that we are not robots and not perfect. It helps them to know this and it helps them to not take every grilling so personally. I'm surprised they can do this but on days when I'm at my lowest and really steaming to hear them say - 'it sounds like this isn't the only things that is bothering you' really can help me to blow steam out my ears instead of my mouth.

I try not to do it but I'm not perfect and I'm not going to apologize to anyone else but my children for it because I'm human, they are human and they get on my very last nerve...

I spend almost every free moment I have on them, I do make time for myself - I have my hobbies and I try to include them but I also exclude them on purpose because I need time away to regroup and get back in the zone. There are times during the year where I volunteer more hours to kids sports than I work at work while still maintaining a 40-50 hour work week. I'm the guy coaching your kids hockey or soccer team even though I've never really played either sport. I'm the guy who deals with it when you drop your kids off and go do whatever while I try to teach them whatever game it is we're playing right now. I coach baseball and love the game, I lead scouts and try to teach them to be trust worthy, loyal, helpful, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, clean and reverent.

I still yell at my kids though.

I invited the anonymous coward into my life by doing it in the park, I was aware of the risk when it was happening. It even occurred to me while I was grilling them so I can't really complain about it. But still, the anonymous note really bugged me. Maybe it's someone I know, maybe it's someone I don't.

You may hate your father but I don't really hate anyone. No time for that really. I do think cowards are lame though.

[Oh Haha]

I've been there. Being home with mine all day during summer break can be trying but we are working on it.

Like you, I want them to be good people when they grow up. Learning hard lessons in life early is good for some kids.

The result of MY parenting(because I am with them more. My wife and I are a team) is that when we worked a food drive last week I was told by several people how well behaved and hard working my kids were. I was probably more proud that day than any other so far. They gave of their time and muscles to help others and didn't whine or complain about it.

[HardDrive]

My parents torn me a new ass on plenty of occasions. I think there is a line there. Telling a kid to "get off their lazy ****** ass and at least make a god damn effort for fuch sake" is simply giving them the 'proper motivation'. Telling them that their 'stupid' or 'worthless' is something else.

As for the guy that left the note on your car? Let me channel my dad for a moment....

"Are you ******* kidding me? How's about growing a pair of nuts your god damn fairy. Jesus H Christ, its a hocky game, not a ******* church picnic."

I love my parents.

P.S. My mother mother was WAY more profane!

[HardDrive]

Ever notice that the parents who are the strongest advocates of a more touchy feely parenting style have kids who behave horribly?

[mikester]

Originally Posted by HardDrive

Ever notice that the parents who are the strongest advocates of a more touchy feely parenting style have kids who behave horribly?

I've noticed it at times but I've also known some really successful ones.

There is one in our community who is so freaking touchy-feely it is enough to make one vomit but at the same time when her oldest disappoints himself in a baseball game (where I have coached him) and cries (he was 8 at the time) a bit in the dug out she gets bent out of shape at me because apparently 8 year olds know how to handle all their emotions about stuff.

I can't tell you how many moms I have had to inform that yes indeed there is crying in baseball. Not because I'm yelling at your kid because I do not yell at kids in practice or in games. I might yell across the field because I'm far away (which even then I try not to do that) but I do not yell at kids that I am coaching.

There is crying in baseball. If an 8 year old kid disappoints himself or feels like a failure or that he let his team down he is going to cry. Again I tell the moms, crying is okay for about a minute. Then get it together and get back in the game because it isn't over and you can still make it good.

[rusnak]

My mom is directly descended from a long line of samurai. She still yells at me and I think I know where I get my intensity from. Dad on the other hand is really quiet.

Ask your kids good questions. Don't squander this time to really get in their heads. Yelling ain't gonna do that.

[mikester]

When I'm not yelling at them I'm usually reading them bed time stories and snuggling with them in their beds. It's only when I'm fully awake that I turn the volume and intensity up.

[mikester]

Originally Posted by Oh Haha

I've been there. Being home with mine all day during summer break can be trying but we are working on it.

Like you, I want them to be good people when they grow up. Learning hard lessons in life early is good for some kids.

The result of MY parenting(because I am with them more. My wife and I are a team) is that when we worked a food drive last week I was told by several people how well behaved and hard working my kids were. I was probably more proud that day than any other so far. They gave of their time and muscles to help others and didn't whine or complain about it.

I'm not a stay at home Dad like you but I work from home most days when I'm not at a formal meeting in the office or at a customer's site. 75% of the time I'm at home. I'm home when they leave for school in the morning and I'm there when they get home.

I am an extremely fortunate dude.

[aigel]

You sound guilty ... do you use profanity? How loud do you yell?

Here is a comparison ... my dogs ... I take them with me whenever I can. They are hunting dogs and very high strung. Also stubborn and smart - they know they can be idiots in public unless I stay on top of them. I pinch their ears when they need it. You should see some people's reaction. An axe murderer caught in the act could not shock them more. But where is their dog? Right - it is fat and at home, not going anywhere because they "spoiled" it and can't take it out in public. And off course, everyone always comments how well behaved my dogs are, asking who trained them yadda yadda.

G

[mikester]

Originally Posted by aigel

You sound guilty ... do you use profanity? How loud do you yell?

Here is a comparison ... my dogs ... I take them with me whenever I can. They are hunting dogs and very high strung. Also stubborn and smart - they know they can be idiots in public unless I stay on top of them. I pinch their ears when they need it. You should see some people's reaction. An axe murderer caught in the act could not shock them more. But where is their dog? Right - it is fat and at home, not going anywhere because they "spoiled" it and can't take it out in public. And off course, everyone always comments how well behaved my dogs are, asking who trained them yadda yadda.

G

I AM GUILTY. I yelled at my kids. Clearly they will hate me later in life.

No, I don't use profanity. I'm not saying I'm perfect but 99% of the time it's what the heck and not what the f-... I don't call them stupid or anything like that.

My oldest said 'he did it first' and I said back 'does that make it okay? Just because you see someone else do something does not mean it is the right thing to do, it also doesn't mean you're going to get away with it.' The next person who says 'he did it first to me' is grounded for a week...

My dog is much better behaved than me or my children except for the digging in the yard. I don't pinch her ear, I don't have to do anything to get her to do what she is supposed to do most of the time.

[Bill Douglas]

Relax. You, and your parents, are relatively excellent.

[wdfifteen]

I think you're right, the kids are relatively unaffected in the long run. It's the parents who yell at their kids in public who look out of control.

[DanielDudley]

Mike, there is no way we can tell if this is affecting your kids or not. But you have stated before that your sister is messed up, so there is something going on in your family.

People do the best they can at any given time, Most of us would do better, if we knew why or how. For many people, yelling is an over the top reaction, that shows they are really not in emotional control. For others, it is a way of trying to take control when they realize they have lost control. For most, it is a little bit of both.

If you are there for your kids when they need you, they will turn out OK in the end. At a certain age, we need to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. My parents taught me that, and to think for myself. At a certain age, if we are lucky, and try, we do become responsible adults. Only you know if you are responsible about how and why you yell at your kids. Is it abusive ? That would have as much to do with the content as with the delivery.

I can't absolve you. You need to look at yourself, and stop trying to validate your actions. My parents were yellers, and now I am an old Yeller. Only I know if I am being responsible around the content, both mental and emotional. Take a personal inventory. If you are wrong, be straight about it with the recipient(s). What we do forms out habits and character.

Who do you want to be, and what would that person do ?

[Baz]

Two words....personal accountability.

Kids have to learn this at an early age.

IMHO, yelling at them periodically is OK as long as it's justified. They know they did wrong - you are just calling them on it.

But.......you have to at the same time smother them with love and caring. Provide a warm and loving sanctuary for them and a stimulating learning environment and above all set the right example. Be a responsible respectable parent.

That's all you can do.

[GH85Carrera]

My parents rarely if ever yelled at all. I don't ever remember a big yelling argument like in almost every movie and TV show happening at our house.

There was certainly pressure to behave and follow the rules.

I don't have any kids so I am a total expert on how to raise kids. What you should do is .......

[Seahawk]

My Mother was Spanish. I was raised in a very loving, supportive family.

However, when I gooned it (no uncommon for a few years), the volume got turned up: She could go to 11.

My Father, on the other hand, rarely yelled; he relied on his steely death ray stare.

[vash]

i remember it like it was yesterday when i realized my mom was sometimes wrong..

very wrong. i lost respect..no, i lost SOME respect for parents that day and i honestly never ever got it back. that day, if you asked me..i would have swapped parents if i could.

if i was ever blessed with kids, i hope i would do it differently. i know i would. my parenting had profound affects on me, and some of it wasnt good.

[jyl]

Many different ways to raise kids, not just one correct way.

My dad was not a yeller, I didn't become one. Wouldn't have been the end of the world, but I prefer the alternative.

[Rikao4]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

he relied on his steely death ray stare.

or simply look at me disappointed...
those 2 images could reach ..
where straps or loud voices would never go..

Rika

[jwasbury]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

I don't have any kids so I am a total expert on how to raise kids.

^me too

I wouldn't say my parents yelled a lot, but sometimes they did. I know this: if you didn't behave or ignored them, there were consequences. Mom could get scary when she wanted to. She did the "I'm going to count to three" bit with us when we were getting out of line. We always got into line before she was able to count to three...we didn't want to know what happened at "defcon 3."