Only liability/comprehension (nothing to protect me from my own mistakes)...and only because I have to. Whatever is mine...is also my wife's. That is what marriage is all about.

You can't stop a train wreck, but often you have to try.

This guy obviously has self esteem issues that she is clearly exploiting. It doesn't help that you often lose the ability to think rationally in these chaotic relationships. By all means talk to him tactfully, have him make a list of the positives and negatives qualities of the relationships and see which category weighs out. It's unlikely to sway his opinion but will minimize you of future guilt.

I think we all have a friend like this. I've got a co-worker turned close friend who has to ask permission just to leave the house, much less buy something, and it drives me nuts!! He would go an entire work day without eating because she wouldn't allow him to spend $5 on a meal. While on a road trip I had to buy him a tooth brush because he feared her reaction. If his life wasn't hell before, she's now pregnant.

Feminists love to demonize men, but female predators are alive and well, looking for men with no backbone to use and abuse, or make their life long slave.

If the man is not "wearing the pants" in this relationship that is because he showed up without them, not because she took them from him. I often see this and cannot imagine the relationship working. Often he is so weak and submissive it does. And he figures it is better than being alone. Similarly women stay in abusive relationships. Not all relationships come out of story books.

Fred I think it is necessary for you to tell your friend not to marry this woman. Okay it might jeopardize your friendship but it is in his best interest not to marry this woman. If the marriage falls apart then he will likely gravitate back to you. No matter what you say he will likely marry this woman anyway.

In terms of being lonely I think a person can feel more lonely being married to the wrong person than staying single. Let us know what you decide Fred. If you decide not to say anything to him I would completely understand.

Cheers, Guy

Maybe the best idea mentioned before is to show this thread to him (maybe send the link), if you don't think he might be offended thinking you threw it out to public scrutiny. Rather than him listening to you talk, and you worrying about his reaction and you trying to remember to say everything you have to say, he can read this and realize it's value and reread comments he thinks important. Much better reading harsh analysis from impartial people than getting it from you.

I may just direct him to this thread. That is a really good idea.
I would hate to be that guy that bashed his wife, if it does ultimately work out. He has always come to me for advice in the past, but we are very different people. I live my life a whole lot different than he does.
I just could not find a tactful way to bring this up to him, so I simply told him. " I always have an ear for you if you need to talk brother" and left it at that. I can tell that he is not happy, and somewhat desperate.
Hope it works out for him .....

Has he ever been in therapy? While it is good to have a friend, he needed the ear of a good therapist like yesterday.

Actually the ultimate win would be to talk him into going for solo sessions, and that they do couples therapy before the wedding (instead of a prenup). That will likely kill multiple birds with one stone.

I'm sorry, Fred, I disagree. Sit your friend and tell him the truth. If you are wrong 5 years from now, you will give both him and his wife a humble apology. You'll tell them you were dead wrong and that you are GLAD you are dead wrong because everyone deserves a good relationship.

But you know what? I'll bet you never have to eat that particular slice of humble pie... Keep after him about the prenup, for his own good.

angela

Dude I think your friend needs to see a counselor or therapist. It's like giving your 911 a tuneup. Sometimes people need a tuneup as well.

I have a close friend who is in the same situation.

I heard an expression once that has stuck with me:

"It is better to be alone than to be with people that make you feel that way."

If they are not infatuated with each other at this point I don't see it getting any better.

I am going to guess he has had some therapy in his life, but never been spoken between us. Not quite sure how I would even to begin to bring that up . I know he always seeks approval from everyone around him, and is always asking for opinions and advice from a small crew of us guys...
Gawd, could the poor old boy use a tune up . He is one of those guys, who looks like he has it all together from the outside, but inside what a mess .

tell him a story...
there once was this guy..
a friend of mine..
and he was going to..
everyone knew how it would end ..
he will get it..
then ask ..
what would he tell his friend..

Rika

I resemble that remark. :)

Easy answer... Be a good friend by telling him what you think.
If he listens to you and does something about it then that's the best you could hope for but most likely he won't and it may cost you your friendship.

Obviously I don't know how you'd feel but I'd be alright with that outcome. Life sucks sometimes.

+1. Your friend will remember what you say to him forever, so be gentle. There's a good chance he'll tell the woman what you said too, so be sure to put a good spin on her bad influence on the slight chance they do stay together. If he's that good I friend, I think you have to risk loosing him by telling him what he needs to hear.

Be gentle? There is no way to do that in this situation. She's already moved in. (going by the OP)

The guy needs to be smacked in the head until he listens.

1. you wouldn't have car insurance unless you were forced to? um, thats a terrible idea.

2. how about homeonwers insurance? you carry that right?

Has your friend ever expressed doubts about the marriage, even humorously? I had a friend in a similar situation and I used his "off-hand" remarks as an opportunity to talk about why he might have uncertainty. I never bashed the woman involved nor gave him a figurative "smack in the head" to wake him up. I just let him talk and asked pointed questions about his feelings. This happened, off and on, over many months and each time, he revealed more of his personal doubts. Eventually, he asked my opinion about the marriage and I told him I didn't think it was right for him. This final reveal took place within a few week of the marriage. Date had been set, venue rented, invitations had been mailed out, r.s.v.p.'s coming in.

He called off the marriage.

About a year later, he did marry her. Many of his doubts came true. They remain married, we remain friends, his wife and I get along fine. I still think it was a bad match for him, but that is not for me to judge. I felt satisfied that he went into it with opened eyes, made his decision, and is O.K. with it. That's all we can hope for.

Not so simple in some cases. Like my ex had hidden her considerable wealth from me. I sold my dang near paid for house she drained my accounts and when I stumbled onto some financial records that were left out one day, the **** hit the fan. It was a terrible experience.

A rich gold digger will rob you blind just the same as a poor one.

The lack of a pre-nup is a non-starter. The comment about a gold digger is spot on.