So my mother shouldn't drive.....

[dad911]

.... and there is nothing we can do about it. 87 yo, never a good driver, last week was supposed to follow my sister to the mechanics to service her car. My sis stopped for a truck, and mom hit her from behind. (I had offered to drive mom's car, but they couldn't wait)

Car totaled, Spoke to her docs and insurance agent. Doc said he can't help (I've heard this before) and her insurance rating is so good, her rates will not go up and they waived her deductible for this accident.

Any ideas to get her off the road? Brother, sister, and I almost had her convinced it was time to stop, but her friends told her that we couldn't legally stop her, and now she wants to go car shopping.

Can anyone hook me up with a google/autonomous car for her?

[wildthing]

Isn't there a DMV test?

[scottmandue]

Fortunately for my family mom lost all interest in driving many years ago (she is now 90 and almost blind... however if you asked her she would tell you she is okay to drive )

Dad (now RIP) was not so cooperative... long story short is the laws in NJ are like CA. you are forked... we talked to dad's doctors and as you know they can't/won't help. The DMV is... well... the DMV... about as helpful as a baboon on a sinking ship.
We though of sabotaging dad's car... but he would just pick up a phone and have someone come out and fix it (dad was an unstoppable force... only cancer could stop him in the end).

Sorry but we went through years of this... dad was an aggressive driver when he was healthy... he was a terrifying driver toward the end.

Sorry, wish I could help but don't know what to say... I posted the problem here and just got lectured about "he is a hazard to other people you MUST get him off the road!!!" but never found a real explanation on how to get that accomplished.

[dad911]

No mandatory re-tests. Just pay the renewal and keep driving.

My only thought is to hide a gps tracker on her car. Looks like they can be set to send us a notification email whenever she leaves the complex, and we can track her car online. Might offer a little peace of mind.

[GH85Carrera]

Do you or a sibling have power of attorney?

When she replaces the car just disable it with something simple like disconnect the battery or pull the fuse for the computer. When she has it towed in for repair just take it to a storage place and tell her the muffler bearings are shot and they are on back-order. Set her up with Uber and let her get around with Uber and family and friends. Keep hammering away that she should not drive.

[scottmandue]

Mom did not take well to having caregivers in the house...
We kept pitching it to her as a luxury of having a helper (dare I say a servant... totally not PC but something people of her generation can understand) she finally gave in (with lots of screaming and gnashing of teeth) and now the caregiver drives her to her appointments.
Dunno if you can afford that... it is a lot of $$$

[JavaBrewer]

You should have a conversation with the DMV.

I have been dealing with the same issues for a couple years now. My Dad is 83 and has diabetes which is really impacting his abilities. He was involved in a minor accident and apparently left the scene. The resulting police report forced him to retake the DMV test which he did not pass. Mom also recently got into an accident with similar results. I moved their Jeep into their garage and have the keys. It is not currently registered or insured - which I use as an excuse for now. Every couple weeks Dad says he is getting a locksmith to re-key the Jeep and that he is fine to drive. I have to remove the Jeep from their property (I do have POA) but that will cause a huge row for sure. However the risks are far too great and it is a source of real stress for me.

Like Scott we have care givers at the home as well. Can only afford a couple days a week and they use that opportunity to go places.

[dennis in se pa]

This whole process is unpleasant. My mother had Alzheimers. Before the onset she had decided she did not want to deal anymore with the crazy drivers on the road. That was good. The rest of the long road was not good. It is one of those things that most of us just have to deal with. Do the right thing. They won't like it sometimes. But that is just the way it is. My mom liked to keep the gas fireplace burning even when she left the house. I ended up going downstairs and closing that valve. Told her we needed to get it fixed. Never heard about it again. Guess what guys.....WE'RE NEXT!

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

Do you or a sibling have power of attorney?

Set her up with Uber and let her get around with Uber and family and friends. Keep hammering away that she should not drive.

If she is anything like my mom that isn't going to fly... my mom is 90 and no way she giving up her freedom of choice by signing a power of attorney... remember these folks are part of "the great generation" they survived WWII and the great depression.

Our mom is also low tech won't go near a computer and don't even think about a smart phone... she even has problems working the cordless land line phone. She also doesn't trust taxi's... uber is great for people our age but not happening for my mom.

[reverie]

Her doctor can give her a dementia test. It's a verbal test that only takes a few minutes. Let the doctor's office know in advance that this is the purpose of the visit.

When your mother fails the test, then she cannot refuse to let someone be her power-of-attorney. The POA can refuse to let her drive, or buy a car (by going to the bank and having Mom's accounts changed to require the POA's signature, and also having Mom's checks re-printed with two names -- her name and the POA's name).

Try to do this before she buys another car. Much less hassle...

_

[KFC911]

My dad had to do it for his, and I might have to in a few years...."do what you have to do". It'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it's the right thing imo.

My dad - disabled his dad's car (pulled distributor, etc.) over and over. The legal system, etc. will not assist you, imo it's a "family matter" and should be dealt with like you would a small child. Life is HARD sometimes....this is one of those times for your family....good luck!

ps: my grandfather was a WWII vet...no doc, dmv, or anything was gonna stop him from driving other than being unable to get his car started.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by dennis in se pa

Guess what guys.....WE'RE NEXT!

No way!
If I/we have learned anything taking care of my parents are going to set things up WAY in advance.
I'm already plotting my retirement.
1. Move to one story home.
2. Home will be in a small town with light traffic.
3. Small town will have medical facilities and an airport close by.
4. Home will be walking/golf cart accessible to grocery store.

[jwasbury]

My Grandmother is now 104 years old. Still has a car, and driver's license. No one has the stones to take the keys away from "The Little General."

At this point her eyesight is poor enough that even she doesn't want to drive much. She still takes short trips within her active-adult retirement community, but when she needs to go farther afield, friends or family provide chauffeur service.

[GH85Carrera]

The one thing I see as a big plus is the near future of the self driving car. Hopefully it will be here and be proven old technology when I am ready to hand over the keys.

I can just hop in the car and tell it to take me to wherever I need to go. And I can always tell it to take me back home. Until then my keys will stay in my pocket.

[Tobra]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

Do you or a sibling have power of attorney?

When she replaces the car just disable it with something simple like disconnect the battery or pull the fuse for the computer. When she has it towed in for repair just take it to a storage place and tell her the muffler bearings are shot and they are on back-order. Set her up with Uber and let her get around with Uber and family and friends. Keep hammering away that she should not drive.

What Glen said, well, not so much the self driving car thing.

[LEAKYSEALS951]

Similar situation- except family member is 89 y.o. male with brand spankin' new C06 vette (400 miles on ODO). Recipe for disaster. Call state DMV and ask for specifics about this- you will not be the first to do so. Somehow, our member of the family was only required to take written test- not drivers test- which he would have failed immediately. Tough situation.

edit- fortunately- dealer talked him out of a c7...imagine that. ( Can't make this stuff up...)

Good luck,
R

[Norm K]

Originally Posted by dad911

.... and there is nothing we can do about it.

I've successfully traveled this road by subscribing to the belief that at some point the child has to become the parent, a role which must be assumed with confidence and authority. Do that, and there's most certainly something you can do about it.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Good luck, it's a hard thing. My parents had to take the keys away from my grandmother after my grandfather died, quite literally. She was angry for a few weeks but eventually acknowledged that she could have killed someone.

[fastfredracing]

Yep, we went through this with her Dad. I had to disable both his vehicles, and then came home from work one day only to find my van moved, and the engine still warm . " Dino, did you steal my van today ?" " who meeeeeee ? " he was such a smartass.
We had a few close calls, police from a town about 30 miles away called us one night to tell us they had him, he was disorientated and had run off the road. He had no idea how he got there,or how to get home.
Another time, he had run out of gas on the back roads near our house. We were worried sick when he did not come home, and went out looking for him. He sat in his car so long waiting for help, that he had soiled himself, it was a sad scene .
We finally figured we had to do it before he hurt himself or someone else . He was pissed, but we made sure to take him for rides frequently

[Por_sha911]

I dealt with this for both parents and in-laws. Lets get some things straight:
-every state has its own laws but as a rule the DMV cannot force a surrender of license. They can require retesting based on certain events.
-Power Of Attorney is NOT the same as Power Over Will. POW requires having them declared incompetent that is very hard to do (to protect civil liberty and predatory children).

You can refuse to be an enabler. When mom says "take me shopping for a new car" put on your big boy or girl pants and say NO! Explain why and let her know if she insists on risking her life and endangering others you won't help her. Don't help her with taking the car to the mechanic. REFUSE to ride with her. Tell her you will NOT get into a car with her when she is behind the wheel.

It will be tough but do what you gotta do. If she's going to drive against your wishes then make it hard for her to do so. There will be the anger, the guilt trip, the cold shoulder. Just like you did to her when you were a defiant teenager. She'll get over it.

BTDT so don't give me the "it can't be done" or "it won't work". It can and it will.