Good luck Craig. Tough times. I'm sorry you are going thru some.


Sent via Jedi mind trick.

Hey, did you know my dad?

Just getting a caregiver into the house with mom was WWIII, getting her into a assisted living facility at this point (92) is not possible anymore.

having said that Craig, if there is anyway you could get your mom into assisted living after your dad is gone it would be a huge win.

For some of you getting ready to cry foul I did not say 'convalescent hospital' where people are strapped to beds and zombies wondering the halls in bath robes mumbling to themselves.

We visited several assisted living facilities where they have private rooms more like a hotel, except they have a nurse on call 24/7, they take groups on outings, have arts and crafts classes, etc.

Thus providing a certain level of security and companionship.

However I know that doesn't work for everyone.

A few of you guys made an assumption about my mother. She looks and acts 60 and is sharp as a tack. She's still working part-time as a medical billing manager for a big oncology practice via a T1 line into a home office...mostly becuase she's bored having to stay home all the time. She's no where near assisted living material.

She is spending 80% of her time caring for my father, but I fully expext her to rebuild her own life when he's gone. Who knows the real motivation for her gun request. I don't want to know anymore.

Craig, sorry to hear that your family is going through this tough time. Even though we all had peace about my dad's eternal destination, during the last weeks his life the whole family went through times of closeness and times of being at odds with each other. Emotional swings. Be mindful that your other family members in that high stress time and try to be a center point of calm. Keep asking yourself "what would dad want us to do?" and "how can I help mom get through this?"

I've always said its NEVER a good idea to make major decisions during high stress times (eminent death, divorce) unless absolutely mandatory. Sounds like your mom is sharp. I believe that your refusal to help will have influence on her to rethink the idea for now.

A touch off topic.

Mom is in a convalescent home. Stroke about 10 years ago. Can't speak but can say yeah yeah and no no. She gets them mixed up.:) I can't say enough about the folks that care for her. She is "with it" at 80 and watches Judge Judy and real estate reality shows. A trooper.

I see folks there that must be strapped down. They bark out some loud senseless words, all day long Less animated ones deliver vacant stares while sitting in wheel chairs in the hallway.

Mary rolls up in her wheel chair (like a boss) to my Mom's candy dish and steals Reese cups. 93 years old with a face that was (she's gone) frozen in a perpetual horror grimace. I said, "Mary, don't take my Mom's candy". Mary says to me "I hope you die". Mom started laughing like I have not seen in decades. Was a treat to see her laugh that hard.

Convalescent homes ain't all bad.

Assisted living is wonderful but there is a cost.

Pal's Mom lives in a Condo. 85 YO. Sharp as a tack.

Craig, sorry for rambling about me. I am very sorry for your Father. Best to you and your family.

People went kind of dark quickly on this topic.

My biggest problem is the all too common tragedy where someone who has almost no experience with a firearm decides they need one because of some perceived threat to their families safety, but then ends up accidentally shooting a family member or a child finds the loaded gun.

If the grandkids are young and visit, you may want to impress on her that danger.

Nah. I would call it risk averse rather than dark.

I say no gun period, for the reason you mention.

Sounds like you are not interested in what's best for his mom. You're just anti guns.

Got one word. HOSPICE!

They not only can provide the drugs and whatever else it takes to make sure he is more comfortable, they will help your Mother and family deal with the situation. It's what they do and are very committed.

How 'bout we argue in a different thread, ok?

I didn't say get her into assisted living right now... just it might be an option for the future.

As far as assisted living, some of those places are like a resort, tennis, golfing, swimming pools.

But yes, every person and situation is different.

Every time I read this thread it reminds me of my mother. A few years before she passed away she told her doc she wanted to jump in the river. The doc says somebody may rescue you and you may end up with brain damage. That shut her up.

Now I'm going to the dark side, but I believe this is exacly why my father rejected my reminder that he has a bottle of opiates next to his bed and refused to talk about mom's gun request. I'm sure he's concerend somebody will revive him from an overdose and then he'll have to deal with the aftermath of that.

My mother hasn't said a word about the gun since I told her I would NOT give her a one until dad's gone and she takes a gun safety course with me.

BTW, today is the poor bastards 79th birthday.

Best wishes Craig. It's a rough thing to watch. My grandma finally passed this year after a long slide into Alzheimer's. Her last few months were pretty miserable, and I know if she'd been give the option out she would have taken it, at least when she was still aware. When Thuy's dad took a turn for the worse in the spring, while living with us, we both vowed that when we get older we are moving some place with assisted suicide. When your health is that bad, why do we insist on hanging around and prolonging the agony on ourselves and our family? I'd rather have the option about when I go.


Best wishes for your dad, hopefully his suffering is nearing an end. It's hard to watch for sure. :(

PM just about to be sent Craig.....

Were I in your dad's spot, I'd ask for the spoon from the one person I trust most.
He would be the one that wouldn't make it an internet poll. I would ask him to eat the guilt.

Good plan Craig.

Is there anyway that you could do some environmental things to make her feel safer? Maybe better locks and in more rooms, an alarm system etc.

Was primary care giver for my Mother with Alzheimer's/Dementia for the last 10 years. Year before she passed (94) got a new puppy for her. Our other dog, which was really her dog had passed and she immediately took a turn for the worse. The next day we went and picked out a puppy. It was the best medicine ever. She was excited about getting up and out of bed, remembered lots more. Fixed meals for herself and the dog. It was like her Alzheimer's was in remission and her mind had gone back to the way it was years earlier. And of course, she spoiled the snot out of the puppy.

For reference Dr Jack Kervorkian used inhaled CO Jack Kevorkian's Death Van and the Tech of Assisted Suicide - The Atlantic
NO is also supposed to be painless to the individual. Cleanup crews are big business in that field as my ex went through that scene with her undiscovered mom in a FL summer condo. Sorry to be grim on this subject and taking it a bit far.

The most important thing is an honorable existence and fulfillment of life goals. Now would be a good time to videotape going over memorabilia and concerns and future wishes and anything that he might want to say to pass along to others if he wants. Do something together with purpose. This is his time and he can do what he wants. Just being quietly nearby is meaningful enough. Words sometimes get in the way.

At dad's nursing home there were people with dementia who seemed completely gone, but when family came to visit they somehow snapped back into full cognitive mode. Can't explain it, but regardless of what it looks like on the outside, there is always still someone left in there.

Dad was comfortable at the home. Maybe too comfortable. Had the best seat in the house overlooking the garden and had a way with the ladies till the end.
On one day his wife visited with two other nurses crowded around him chatting.
His wife asked "You have THREE beautiful women fawning over you. What more could you want?"
His quiet response was "Four".

My condolences and respect to you Craig. May it resolve the best way.