Deep question on adoption

[stealthn]

So I’m adopted, always new, had great parents and family but like all adoptees I wanted to know more about my past. I knew most of the story, young parents, unmarried in the 60’s, father bailed when he found out I was coming.

It was hard to get any info on adoption until the rules changed and I found out my birth name. Unique last name and I knew some of the family origins so I went old school and made phone calls. Was able to gather a lot of info and got my mom’s name. Traced her down and finally wrote her.

She seemed glad to hear I was ok and had a good life, but didn’t really seem like she wanted to get closer (which hurt, but it’s Ok). Anyway I found out I have a half brother and sister. I know their names, what they do, where they live, but I don’t think they know anything about me.

Now my question, should I try to contact them even though my mom hasn’t told them about me? My wife says “yes of course” but I am more vexed about doing it, mainly for the fact it may reflect bad on my birth mom, and open up some wounds for her.

Thoughts?

[pwd72s]

I was also adopted. I have zero desire to track down any birth relatives. Figure it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

But that's just me...

Still, considering your birth mother's attitude, I'd tread carefully here.

[id10t]

I was also adopted. Don't really care about makign contact. Updated family health info would be nice.

[freeform911]

My half sister is kinda doing the same thing. My mother refuses to give her any info on her father, but she's doing the same as th op, cold calls.
I say if your truly interested in knowing, give them a call. I assume they are fully grow and you might be surprised by their reaction.
Either way what do you have to lose? You don't have to/expect to become best friends with them, just wanting to get a little closure!
Steve

[ossiblue]

Are you genuinely interested in getting close to your half-siblings? Do you want to extend the family ties, or do you just wish to let them know about a past about which they have no knowledge and just "see what happens?"

If you haven't already, do some deep soul searching. You had a need to find your birth parents, and that was satisfied. What is your need to probe beyond the immediate results? Your decision will forever change the lives of the others.

Oh yeah, I'm adopted also.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by stealthn

She seemed glad to hear I was ok and had a good life, but didn’t really seem like she wanted to get closer (which hurt, but it’s Ok).

That is a big bag of worms to open.

Tread carefully as pwd says is about as good as anything I can say.

You may be yearning for reunion but your Mom may be clouded (burdened) with whatever unfavorable comes along with having to give a child up.

Not fair to make another person eat her sins "right now" when she may have come clean in her mind or buried it completely. Eating sins means she has to address the obvious to/with you.

I say little "Hey" notes twice a year. See if it grows.

[stealthn]

Good stuff guys, very thought provoking.

I am on the same wavelength, it would be nice to know more, but the will on my birth mother’s side isn’t there, so I am fine with leaving it there. Still feels strange

I left it with the last letter I wrote her with our family picture in it saying if she wanted more contact it would be great, but if she didn’t want to respond I’d respect that.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by ossiblue

Your decision will forever change the lives of the others.

Well stated.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by stealthn

I left it with the last letter I wrote her with our family picture in it saying if she wanted more contact it would be great, but if she didn’t want to respond I’d respect that.

I think if you ping her every once in a while she would more than likely relish that. Moms are different than Dads.

[Cajundaddy]

Originally Posted by stealthn

Good stuff guys, very thought provoking.

I am on the same wavelength, it would be nice to know more, but the will on my birth mother’s side isn’t there, so I am fine with leaving it there. Still feels strange

I left it with the last letter I wrote her with our family picture in it saying if she wanted more contact it would be great, but if she didn’t want to respond I’d respect that.

This seems wise. You reached out and made contact, the ball is in her court. It is an incredibly difficult and yet altruistic thing to give up your child to a family that is actually ready to raise one, and I am sure re-living that pain is hard for her. Further digging on your part may tear the fabric of her life so let her make the next move.

I see the other side where a friend's daughter gave birth at 18, babydaddy fled the coop, and she insisted on raising this child with zero parenting skills, zero means to support herself, and a single-mom chip on her shoulder. Twenty years mostly on public assistance and the young lad is now a father himself, spinning out, with a heavy sense of entitlement.

I'd say your birth mother gave you a generous gift.

[Bill Douglas]

It's a different world these days. All that unmarried moms, knocked up by someone unsuitable. No one cares these days. You will be welcomed with open arms.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by Bill Douglas

It's a different world these days. All that unmarried moms, knocked up by someone unsuitable. No one cares these days. You will be welcomed with open arms.

Tread carefully. Ping gently with upbeat news.

Brother adopted two kids. Racially mixed. Dad's ("unsuitable") are black and Mom's were white teens - at the time.

Moms are absent and Dads pull the weight and shows up at C & E with nuclear family and are cool.

Why they were advised are a separate story, but they are present.

[jhynesrockmtn]

I'm adopted, found my birth mother 25 years ago, I'm 55. I have two half sibs. We all get along great and it has been a healing experience for them and me. Also found my Dad's two living sisters. He committed suicide when he was 20 or so. Also has been a nice experience on that side of the family. All circumstances are different. I was raised by well meaning folks who did well for the most part but genetics is a strong link. You bio mom may come around. I would ask her if she has an issue with you contacting your siblings. Many bio families have heard horror stories about adopted kids with baggage and wanting stuff, money, apologies, etc. when they come knocking. If they realize you just want information and a possible relationship they may welcome that over time.

[Bill Douglas]

Slightly related to topic so I'll tell the story. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of her words.

A lady work buddy of mine told me that a month or two earlier her mother had died and she felt completely alone in the world. Then there was a knock on the door and a VERY beautiful colored young woman said "Hello, I'm your daughter." Work buddy had a fling with a black American serviceman and got pregnant. Her mother didn't want an unmarried daughter, and in those days with a colored baby. She told work buddy the baby was born dead, but somehow had the power to have the baby taken away and sent to an orphanage. Baby grew up with a loving family, being very wanted, and grew to be happy and confident, AND married with beautiful young kids. Work buddy said "if Mom hadn't just died I'd have killed her myself." Pretty colored daughter was busting to introduce friendly grandmother to her kids and make happy relationship.

[LWJ]

Oboy. My favorite topic. My wife and I adopted a child as an infant years ago. She is about to graduate high school!

Here is the hard part for some people. We have an open adoption. Meaning, the birth parents chose us. We have an ongoing relationship with the birthmom and reached out to the birth father but he is a little out of it.

We believe very strongly in including everyone possible in our family. As such, my kid has something like 12 siblings to hear her count. We figure, if you will act responsible and respectable, we are happy to have you. The birth father struggles with this a bit.

I also have two cousins that I consider sisters. Both adopted. Both wonderful. They struggled with this for years and recently found some siblings and the birthmom. The sibling was a big win for them and very meaningful.

My suggestion is nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If you want to PM me I am happy to talk about this. Adoption is one of the most powerful and positive things I have ever done. Congrats to you!

[David]

From a recent experience, I bet your half siblings are more happy to hear from you than your birth mother.

Last year my mother and I both took the Ancestry DNA test. Just before Christmas we both received Facebook messages from a girl who had been adopted and Ancestry said we were cousins and she was looking for her birth mother. The only relative I knew who had put a child up for adoption was a cousin of mine and I was staying with her parents over the holidays. I mentioned it to them at the beginning of our visit and they didn't really respond which seemed strange so I let it go for a few days. At the end of our trip, I said we should discuss this and then I realized my aunt hadn't understood what I said a few days earlier.

My aunt said her daughter had been looking for her child so she immediately called her daughter. The next day my cousin contacted the girl and it was in fact her daughter. I could sense this was a little difficult for both of them. My cousin's other daughter also called her new found half-sister (both in their 20's) and they hit it off immediately. They talked on the phone for 4 hours the first day. So it seems it was easier for the sisters to bond immediately than it was for the mother and daughter.


My only sibling is a half brother who I met briefly as a small child and then didn't meet again until our 20's. Even though we didn't grow up together, we had so much in common it was creepy.