How to Read a Haynes Manual

patalive · 07-17-2001, 03:09 AM

I received this from an offbeat BMW listserv. Thought you DIYers might enjoy it!
Chuck
83SC

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before
you start. Now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some
good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins
on your forehead
are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly
with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you
manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because
two is a low,
teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring
diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down
on it, throw it
at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what
you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep,
as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of
someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark
plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be
much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what
you need to do.

True Brit · True Brit's Garage

I had noticed, having been used to an MGC before my 911, that the Haynes Manual for the 911 does seem to say "we recommend that unless you REALLY know what you're doing you should leave this to an expert" before EVERY section. Whereas with the MGC it just says "Find the biggest tool you can for this job".

Zendalar · 07-17-2001, 05:26 AM

Heh heh

I found those very amusing

StuttgartNut · 07-17-2001, 07:40 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHA

that was some funny $#%t.....

like the one with the spring...

hahaha cant stop giggling

Good job!!!

------------------
2 People In The World, Those That Have Porsche's, And Those That Want Porsche's.... There IS NO Substitute!!

patalive · 07-17-2001, 10:21 AM

My favorite is the retaining nut!

-
Chuck

Woody · 07-17-2001, 11:10 PM