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Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Reston, VA
Posts: 376
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![]() I received this from an offbeat BMW listserv. Thought you DIYers might enjoy it! Chuck 83SC Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you... Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do. |
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I had noticed, having been used to an MGC before my 911, that the Haynes Manual for the 911 does seem to say "we recommend that unless you REALLY know what you're doing you should leave this to an expert" before EVERY section. Whereas with the MGC it just says "Find the biggest tool you can for this job".
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Finland
Posts: 1,214
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Heh heh
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Las Vegas, NV 89147
Posts: 122
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HAHAHAHAHAHA
that was some funny $#%t..... like the one with the spring... hahaha cant stop giggling Good job!!! ------------------ 2 People In The World, Those That Have Porsche's, And Those That Want Porsche's.... There IS NO Substitute!! |
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Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Reston, VA
Posts: 376
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My favorite is the retaining nut!
![]() - Chuck |
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Registered
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Orillia, Ontario,Canada
Posts: 211
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Excellent
Anyone ever use the body work section ??? |
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Registered
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Orillia, Ontario,Canada
Posts: 211
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Excellent
Anyone ever use the body work section ??? |
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Registered
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Orillia, Ontario,Canada
Posts: 211
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Excellent
Anyone ever use the body work section ??? |
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Registered
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Orillia, Ontario,Canada
Posts: 211
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Excellent
Anyone ever use the body work section ??? |
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Registered
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Orillia, Ontario,Canada
Posts: 211
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Excellent
Anyone ever use the body work section ??? |
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Registered
Join Date: May 2001
Location: North Port, FL
Posts: 342
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Talk about double post overkill
------------------ Ted Stringer nuke3@juno.com '84 911 Targa aka pocketrocket |
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Registered
Join Date: May 2001
Location: North Port, FL
Posts: 342
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Talk about double post overkill (pun intended)
------------------ Ted Stringer nuke3@juno.com '84 911 Targa aka pocketrocket [This message has been edited by Ted Stringer (edited 07-18-2001).] |
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Insert Tag Line HERE.....
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I've been a auto tech for 20 years......What the heck are "molegrips"?
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Information Junky
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: an island, upper left coast, USA
Posts: 73,167
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![]() Quote:
'81 Platinum Metalic SC COUPE |
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Moderator
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If you do a Google search on Molegrips, you'll find a bazillion copies of this Haynes Humor propagated through the net. ![]() Don |
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