[Mark021]

I've watched two of these go down in the last two years. Both situations pretty high functioning people with good incomes and kids that go to private school and look good and get good grades... the dog gets his teeth cleaned more often than I do types.

Both situations started out with the, "exhausted, just want to laugh again before I die" comments and three months into the divorce proceedings there were police calls, restraining and protective orders, a black eye (on a 6'4" guy who's ex must be all of 5'1" and 110lbs) and teenage kids running away and acting out big time in school and family and friends pretty much running for cover... then when someone mentions how psycho the ex is the other will become defensive and protective of the nutjob they are trying to escape... I've seen it too often not to recognize the pattern.

These were not the cliche' trailer-park guys in wife beaters but guys in $2K suits and country club memberships ... but more than that, just really solid people that you would never expect to see caught up in this out-of-control behavior.

It seems that the divorce itself seems to rip the scab off some long-term deeply embedded resentments and all hell can break loose during the process. I heard a lot of "why in the world did I ever start this process... I should have just sucked it up and lived in the pool house" comments. Twenty or thirty years is a long time to just walk away from and not look back, even if you know it's killing you.

It's a long haul is all... maybe some go smothly but I have yet to see one. I know that people do get out and do find peace but I think the process is much more difficult, especially on the long relationships, than we tend to appreciate. TV does that... it makes everything that's hard as hell look easy. That said I think the shrink argument is valid... you can stay and more often than not nothing will change, or you can go and then there's at least a fighting chance.