Cali divorce info this time?

Joeaksa · 10-28-2009, 08:50 AM

A new divorce question! It seems that another one of my friends is in this difficult situation.

This one should be easier as its dealing with someone living in SoCal, so hopefully we have more people on this list who has experience here.

Have a friend in his late 50's who has been married to a woman for 30 years now. We flew together in Berlin over 20 years ago and everyone knew of the rocky relationship with the wife. She was a terror then, with heavy drinking, smoking funny things when able and just a handful to deal with much of the time. She was reasonably cute and we all assumed that he was enjoying life with her and getting lucky enough to make it all worth it.

It seems now that it was not. Evidently she hurt her back six weeks after they were married and she has used this as a crutch for 30 years to stay at home and do absolutely nothing. Its gotten better at times then worse at times but she refuses to get any treatment for it and life for her is sleeping 15 hours a day and drunk the rest of the time. She almost never leaves the house, never...

My friend has had enough of it and wants out. Their son is grown and out of the house, living 20 minutes away. His main concern is that she has a .38 pistol hidden somewhere that she plays with when drunk. Both my friend and their son have looked up and down in the house for the gun and cannot find it, but as the wife/mother never leaves the house its difficult to search everywhere without alarming her.

They are not doing well financially, and he has been more or less unemployed for over a year. She refuses to even look for work. They live in a house that they are upside down to the tune of at least $100k, so thats not a help. His Mother has loaned them what she can to pay the monthly bills, and thats approaching $50k.

I told him that I would take whatever he cannot stand to lose and that could be packed in a suitcase, and get out of the house. Hand her the divorce paperwork and at the same time get a Sheriff or LE to standby while he gets his personal items out of the house, then leave. (remember the .38 pistol) Then advised him to declare bankruptcy and just walk away from the house to get away from her. Let her make the payments.

Frankly he is scared of her and afraid that she will get drunk while he is asleep and start shooting. After 30 years of being the provider, he has had enough and its time to bail. He also mentioned that one councilor (he is in counciling trying to understand this whole situation, the wife refuses to attend) told him that he would have to support her until she reaches 65 due to her back injury. Before anyone asks, I have no idea on the details on the back injury.

Anyone with any suggestions or insight?

Thx, Joe

vash · vash's Garage

jeezzz! i would man up, and sneak out in the night. let a pro, serve her up with the divorce papers. never too late to start up a new life....i would just go. scary drunk women with pistols is bad juju. he could get her drunk and take a gamble on the gunfight.

reminds me of that fantastic chris rock joke................

porsche4life · porsche4life's Garage

Wow. That's a mess of schit to be in... Seems like sound advice to me. Get your crap and GTFO

Joeaksa · 10-28-2009, 09:05 AM

Vash,

Only reason to not head out during the night is that once she found out, if he was not there to grab his personal things that he could not carry is that she would start burning everything.

Agree with everyone that he is in a world of chit and needs to get out (believe he realizes this as well) but wants to not lose everything in the process.

Rick Lee · Rick Lee's Garage

In addition to taking valuables out of the house, I'd probably sell them to a close friend for $1 with the understanding that I'd get them back when all was overwith. This goes 100x for guns. All it takes is a call from her to the police for a bogus claim of domestic violence and all the guns get taken away.

stevepaa · 10-28-2009, 09:14 AM

one time when she is drunk and passed out, have him call 911 and have her taken in for drug overdose, then get a trcuk and move his stuff out, find the gun , get the lawyer involved in this to serve papers, declare bankruptcy and get out. But he still may be liable for support.

stomachmonkey · 10-28-2009, 09:17 AM

He should cut his losses and run.

The debt will only grow and make the only choice he has harder to make thus continuing the flat spin.

He should also put a lock on his SS# to avoid her taking out credit in his name that he will only become aware of after she has rung up a hefty 6 figures in debt that he will be stuck with. Ask me how I know.

Mark021 · 10:08 AM

Hi Joe,

Regarding the divorce there are a lot of considerations.... walking away is probably not going to work.

Attorney's for this will cost an arm and a leg but it may be worth it to get one on retainer. If he has $10K hiding anywhere I would recommend he use it now to get a good one, I can make some calls if you like if he's in Socal.

She's never worked.... not a good thing for him. She's sick... not a good thing for him. Negative assets won't hurt him any worse than her, it just takes away bargaining chips, kids are grown so he's clear there.

The emotional baggage is the hardest thing to measure on these. The long term financial exposure is the easiest and why he needs a good attorney that deals with the long-term economics and not just the immediate liquidation of the partnership.

Given his current income level and not knowing his anticipated one I would think that he could move forward cautiously. The first five years are going to be the hardest financially and emotionally... guys in these situations often have a huge amount of guilt associated with what they are trying to do that rears it's head after they leave and why it's probably best to have a more moderate extraction plan in place that allows him to do so gracefully and with dignity.

Get her into rehab, liquidate and put her on a modest stipend with a deadline and start focusing on the future again.... difficult but doable.

Dottore · 10-28-2009, 10:10 AM

I think if your friend has put up with the situation you describe for 30 years, then he has larger issues that are not going to disappear simply by doing a runner.

Good to hear he's in counseling.

Joeaksa · 10-28-2009, 12:00 PM

Mark,

She will not do anything until forced into it and everyone of the family members have tried to get her into help and she refuses. After all why should she as she gets to do what she want's to right now, sleep and get toasted. We all see that she needs to be in rehab, but not from her end.

He lives NW of the LA/Van Nuys area (I believe, not 100% positive) so may get him in touch with you or someone who can lend a bit of assistance. As for his having $10k sitting around, thats just not going to happen. He has been unemployed for over a year and having to go to family for living money, so its pretty thin for him. Will see if he does have something that he can draw upon.

Thx,

Joe

nut11 · 10-28-2009, 12:59 PM

Seems like an untenable situation for him. Damned if he does (split) and damned if he doesn't (lawyer fees and required patience). I'd split and not look back but as stated, there may be other underlying issues present and not stated. I wish him the best.

87 blk coupe

TechnoViking · TechnoViking's Garage

While this site is generally for dads with younger kids, "the list" is still a great read. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee, read the whole thing.

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374

KevinP73 · 02:48 PM

If he's here in Van Nuys I have a suggestion. There is a cozy little Italian place up on Venture Blvd in Studio City. Have him take her in for a romantic dinner, couple glasses of wine and some music. After dinner he can take her out to the car(there is always parking available in the alley out back). Upon seating her in the car he'll notice that he has left his hand gun inside on the table. Leave her outside and return indoors to get his gun. When he returns to the car he will be horrified to discover that someone has placed a single slug in the back of her head.
It worked for Robert, it just may work for your friend.

fingpilot · 02:50 PM

Horrified. Gotta practice that. Horrified.

Joe Bob · Joe Bob's Garage

Runaway....

Joeaksa · 10-28-2009, 03:05 PM

Kevin, he is more in the Santa Clarita area. Bet that the thought has occured to him many times but frankly she is not worth going to jail for.

KevinP73 · 10-28-2009, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joeaksa

Kevin, he is more in the Santa Clarita area. Bet that the thought has occured to him many times but frankly she is not worth going to jail for.

Santa Clarita? Isn't that coyote country? Maybe a nice bacon necklace for her birthday would be in order.

Seahawk · 10-28-2009, 03:42 PM

Yup. 30 years?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dottore

I think if your friend has put up with the situation you describe for 30 years, then he has larger issues that are not going to disappear simply by doing a runner.

Good to hear he's in counseling.

Joeaksa · 10-28-2009, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Yup. 30 years?

He is kinda old fashioned. The "Till death do us part" bit still means something to a lot of people. Problem is that he is concerned that she might rush things up a bit (with the guns) and would prefer to get out of this alive and in one piece.

The "bacon necklace" sounds good but she would just shoot the critters. Would assume that she could be a bit mean if needed.

Mark021 · 11:21 PM

I've watched two of these go down in the last two years. Both situations pretty high functioning people with good incomes and kids that go to private school and look good and get good grades... the dog gets his teeth cleaned more often than I do types.

Both situations started out with the, "exhausted, just want to laugh again before I die" comments and three months into the divorce proceedings there were police calls, restraining and protective orders, a black eye (on a 6'4" guy who's ex must be all of 5'1" and 110lbs) and teenage kids running away and acting out big time in school and family and friends pretty much running for cover... then when someone mentions how psycho the ex is the other will become defensive and protective of the nutjob they are trying to escape... I've seen it too often not to recognize the pattern.

These were not the cliche' trailer-park guys in wife beaters but guys in $2K suits and country club memberships ... but more than that, just really solid people that you would never expect to see caught up in this out-of-control behavior.

It seems that the divorce itself seems to rip the scab off some long-term deeply embedded resentments and all hell can break loose during the process. I heard a lot of "why in the world did I ever start this process... I should have just sucked it up and lived in the pool house" comments. Twenty or thirty years is a long time to just walk away from and not look back, even if you know it's killing you.

It's a long haul is all... maybe some go smothly but I have yet to see one. I know that people do get out and do find peace but I think the process is much more difficult, especially on the long relationships, than we tend to appreciate. TV does that... it makes everything that's hard as hell look easy. That said I think the shrink argument is valid... you can stay and more often than not nothing will change, or you can go and then there's at least a fighting chance.