Humour Thread

[Rob McKibbon]

A little Canadian Humour to lighten your day.......
Got this via eMail today, thought I'd share it with you guys, enjoy!

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Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil
>>stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and
>>toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are
>>you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
>>
>>The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
>>and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,
>>eh."
>>
>>The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
>>heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed
>>in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully
>>hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
>>
>>Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
>>Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
>>to warm up a little bit, eh."
>>
>>This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
>>guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing
>>and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from
>>Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage
>>and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in
>>abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
>>
>>The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
>>weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the
>>weather's THIS nice."
>>
>>The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
>>comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
>>been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
>>hell.
>>
>>The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
>>everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
>>anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads
>>for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in
>>their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down,
>>cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded.
>>
>>"I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's
>>freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
>>
>>The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If
>>hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!!"

[GWN7]

Some more.....

You Know Your From Winnipeg When:

1. "Vacation" means going to Brandon for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You use a down comforter in the summer.
6. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through four meters of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled.
10. ! You know all four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
11. You are bundled up in three sweaters, a parka, ski pants, a touque, two pairs of mittens, boots past your knees in 3 feet of snow in a -35 (-8000 with the windchill) blizzard, your eyelashes are frozen together, your nose is running, you can't feel your toes, and you still stop at 7 Eleven for a Slurpee on the way home.
12. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Winnipeg.

[green944]

[Rob McKibbon]

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to ***** when you hear the price."

[exc911ence]

Two guys walk into a pub and sit down at the bar.

The first guy orders a pitcher of beer, the other a glass of water.

The first guy looks at his buddy and asks, "What's with the glass of water?".

The second guy replies, "I gave up drinking... last time I came in here, I drank so much beer, I went home and blew chunks."

"That's no big deal!" says the first guy.

The second guy responds, "You don't understand, chunks is my dog!"

GROAN! Sorry all...

[Rob McKibbon]

Subject: And who says the Irish are not wise!!

Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him,
was in an English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament:

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me
potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them
feckin' BODIES!

Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local
police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of
about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the
old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love, Mick