Burn and Rave at Close of Day

[Seahawk]

I need some advice.

I am helping a friend of mine find his way through a divorce, Crohn's, painkillers, the need for mental help, etc...

I am not qualified to do anything other than lend an ear, drive him to the "pain doctors", lawyers and spend some time with him. We have spent a lot of time together over the last few months...

Very accomplished guy from a hardscrabble background. Great grades, wrestler, Naval Academy graduate, former H-2F pilot bounced out of the Navy for Crohn's. Prior to Crohen's he was on his way to great things.

After getting bounced, he ran and owned DoD support companies and did very, very well.

So here we are. I need focus.

He is on a dogs breakfast of drugs to manage his pain, has his pot card, other drugs to manage his mood and blood pressure...cornucopia of stuff I do not understand. His wife has filed for divorce and he now lives alone.

We have had the "end it all" discussion, which I can deal with. I need transition help, the next steps. Anyone fluent in these areas, experience with smart, stubborn people at the end game unless they get help, PM.

And yes, I have engaged with professionals in my area. We don't get all the A students down here, which is why I am humbly asking for additional help.

I need to get him to turn the corner, find a path. I spent this morning with him at the lawyers, yesterday at the pain clinic: I need a plan because this isn't it.

Best.

[silverc4s]

His best hope is to find himself by helping others. Sounds like he has a lot of experience that he could be sharing with folks coming back to cilvilian life from current conflicts.

[wayner]

I may be able to help

My divorce blindsided me and was brutal.

After a lifetime together she spent the last few years tearing down my business and me until there was nothing left, specially of me.

I'm better now but have a long way to climb back financially.
On one particular evening I almost didn't make it to see the next day.

I was never so glad to see the sun come up again.

I have a lifetime of experience crammed into the 2 years after that event.
By all accounts it should have taken me ten.
I fired the professional that I hired who only managed to make things worse

At a few key moments people appeared and unknowingly saved my life.

Any man who finds him self in a similar situation or frame of mind should feel free to contact me so that I can pay it forward.

PM me anytime

Anyone.
Ive gained some valuable perspective on this...and I've educated myself on the science behind it.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by wayner

I may be able to help

PM me anytime

I will tomorrow.

This is, and I can face the wind, have all my life, the hardest thing I have ever done.

Thank you,

Edit: BTW, this is the opiode epidemic...they got him hooked and then said no more.

[Chocaholic]

Kudos to you Paul. I have no advice other than to recognize your willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty for a friend. Not many would. But you should be careful to protect yourself and your family in the process. It’s ok be to be just a bit selfish too.

You’re a good man. And a good friend.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Chocaholic

But you should be careful to protect yourself and your family in the process. It’s ok be to be just a bit selfish too.

He is my sons Godfather...and they get each other, they truly do. I am fine as well.

Jack pitched in this week, shopping, getting firewood (long story) from our barn. They spoke for a hour on Jack's drive back to law school.

Turning the corner, getting help, prideful man.

Not me

[tevake]

Good on ya Paul for sticking with a friend in need!
Sounds like he has some serious life challenges to sort out in his life.

For me hearing that he is also dealing with an opioid addiction and is cut off, well that sounds like big trouble for him.

Pretty sure that will completely impair his ability to sort thru the other issues in his life effectively for now. And may make them seem insurmountable in his current state of mind. A potentially dangerous combination for him.

Perhaps looking into addiction treatment immediately , and mostly focusing on that for the moment, will help move I'm into a position of being able to then deal positively with the other aspects of his situation once he has his feet back under him and is able to think more clearly.

Wishing your friend all the best in finding his way back to wellness.
He does have at least one good thing going for him, a good caring friend.

Cheers Richard

[wdfifteen]

I’ve been through something similar. I hope I can help some. First thing is to know yourself. The more emotionally involved you are the less real help you can be. Decide if you are a helper or a supporter. There are limits to what he will let you do to help, don’t make his success your success, or most importantly, his failure your failure. Try to stand outside the problem, be a dispationate observer, make rational decisions about what he needs.
Or maybe you want to be there as a supporter. In that case, just be there, encourage him to follow advise from professionals, but if he resists, accept it and move on. You may walk with him through pain or worse. That’s the lot of a friend.
Unless you are a better man than I was you will tear yourself apart trying to be a supporter AND a savior.
You may PM If you’d like to talk.. I’ll give give you my number.

[Seabear]

My younger brother has been through physical pain, opioid addiction, and divorce. The physical problems (neck, discs, joints, etc) led to the opioids which in turn led to the divorce.
I became his "ear", listening, asking questions, attempting to guide but mostly just listening.
He was finally able to turn his life around after a number of years by going to rehab and attending multiple meetings a week.
That in itself, though, was not the game changer.
After attending meetings for a while, he became a group leader, scheduling meetings/conducting meetings/following up with individual group members to help them stay on the path.
By being with others who had the same experiences he began to regain his self respect. But by having a growing responsibility as a group leader he found new purpose, greater self awareness, an ability to assess/deal with his own issues and has been clean for 3 years. He still conducts meetings each week, sees his now-grown daughters often, and has a productive life with friends and relatives.
Shared experiences and becoming a responsible group leader turned his life around.
I talk with him most days, the usual references to the businesses we partnered over the years, the political bs in our world, travel, but mostly just enjoying a conversation. He still has a few lumps in his gravy but is able to deal with all of them without falling back.

[LWJ]

Seahawk. I am rooting for you and your friend. Strength.

[Seahawk]

Thank you all, Gentleman.

I will be in touch.

Like I wrote, I am good at some things, need help in others. I appreciate the offers of help.

Blessings.

[recycled sixtie]

Hi Paul my mother many years ago used to be a volunteer with the Samaritans in the UK. Basically people that contemplate suicide phone the Samaritan number can get help from a volunteer.

I googled Samaritans and there is help for those needing help outside the UK namely a worldwide phone number. I know this is a tough spot for you to be in. I think you have the potential to help this person and refer him to the right person or organization to help him.

Cheers Guy.

[BeyGon]

How about the VA, they say they have help for these things?

[charlesbahn]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

I will tomorrow.

Edit: BTW, this is the opiode epidemic...they got him hooked and then said no more.

Unfortunately, this is the nut that must be cracked first, and it is a tough one. Until this problem is solved, nothing else will matter.

I truly wish could could offer more.

Charles

[crustychief]

Paul, good on you for sticking with your buddy through this. I really have no advice to offer but I think your leadership experience and your connected past with your friend puts you in a unique position to help him navigate to a better position. All the best.
V/R
Sandy

[Crowbob]

At some point in every day, in every single one, I count my blessings.

[Superman]

I always liked this from Richard Brautigan:

His eyes were wet wounded rugs.

Like some kind of strange vacuum cleaner I tried to console him. I recited the same old litanies that you say to people when you try to help their broken hearts, but words can’t help at all.

It’s just the sound of another human voice that makes the only difference. There’s nothing you’re ever going to say that’s going to make anybody happy when they’re feeling ****ty about losing somebody that they love.

[Seahawk]

Trout Fishing in America...I first read it in 1971.

Today was much better for Steve. I won't belabor much other than to say thanks for the responses, emails and PM's. Bless you all.

This is not hard for me, I just needed a course correction since I was a bit in irons, to use a Navy term. I needed a push, some fresh perspective to be a better friend.

Again, thanks, Folks. We'll see how this goes...regardless, my sincere appreciation for the advice.

The weight of friendship is the easy part, knowing when to pick up the weight is the hard part.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by crustychief

Paul, good on you for sticking with your buddy through this. I really have no advice to offer but I think your leadership experience and your connected past with your friend puts you in a unique position to help him navigate to a better position. All the best.
V/R
Sandy

Ditto, you are a good man Paul.

[jyl]

Companies need to go bankrupt and executives and doctors need to go to jail. The opiod epidemic is killing more every year than auto accidents, more than US deaths in the whole Vietnam war. And it is largely a corporate-created epidemic. Small town USA wasn't awash in heroin and fentanyl before the pill pushers started handing oxycodone like candy.