Burn and Rave at Close of Day - Page 2

DanielDudley · 03-09-2019, 03:29 PM

Seabear is 100% right about a path to recovery.

It gets better, but you have to try.

rfloz · 03-09-2019, 04:56 PM

This man seems to be deeply depressed. That can kill him (via suicide) just as surely as an overdose of opioids, whether intentional or not. When you are severely depressed nothing matters, nothing is going to ever get better.

Two things helped me pull out of a deep depression many yeas ago.

First, someone to talk to. Check, you have that covered.

Second, exercise. It really helps. He may resist. Try putting his pain meds 10-0 feet out of his reach. Keep inceasing that distance and slowly reducing the dose until you can walk with him for long distances.

Yes, this implies you have to control his meds and alcohol. He sure as hell can't.

I have seen good friends who were serious addicts get real help from AA. Drag him to a meeting and then another and another. Sit with him if you have to.

Thanks for taking this on. Be prepared for lapses. Just start
again.

Oh, and take care of yourself.

Baz · Baz's Garage

My suggestion is make sure he has some good music in his life - to get him through.

Superman · 03-09-2019, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baz

My suggestion is make sure he has some good music in his life - to get him through.

Pacific Radio Fire.

Brautigan suggested, and I notice it's true, that there is nothing you can actually "do" for him. He has to do it. He does sound depressed. Stepping away from drugs and alcohol and going for walks would be good for him. Bowling.

Then again, he's probably not listening well right now. So, it's just the sound of a human voice....

DanielDudley · 05:01 AM

The three stages of helping are; It gets better if you try., There is help available if you want it., and I'm not going to watch you die.

I used to do a lot of counseling, and I still do some. I don't help people because they need it, I don't help people because they want it, I help people who are willing to help themselves. Somewhere, in the depths of despair, people have to make a choice, Life or Death, Good or Evil.

We extend the hand of help and friendship, but you must reach out and take it. Helping people with addictions and depression is counter intuitive. You somehow need to be there, but you have to make it clear that it is their choice to live or die.

It gets better, but you have to try. Wives and friends get sick of enabling. You have to draw a sharp line in the sand, and point out that it is a choice whether or not someone crosses it. No one can cross it for another, no one can drag you over. You hit bottom alone, and you have to make a choice. You have to ask the universe for help, and you have to be willing to take it.

You can offer support, but it is important that you are clear that it is a choice.

KFC911 · 03-10-2019, 05:31 AM

Just read this thread....

Paul...you have my utmost respect....good luck!

He's now an addict though....he ain't who he used to be. That took me a long time to figure out....hard if you're not one too...

Best to you all....

Mebbe have Jack give him a puppy?

I have no answers

Seahawk · 05:48 AM

Thanks to all for your insights and words of encouragement.

A few things. He does not drink at all, which is probably why he is still alive.

He is in severe pain from he various maladies. He has been seeing "pain management docs" for years and has always faithfully followed their dosages and schedules.

Recently, Maryland has issued guidelines for opioids that have severely restricted the amount the pain docs can issue.

They have also changed other methodologies that have caused withdraw and other symptoms.

I have gone with him to the pain doctors the past three months (he goes once a month) and sat with him through the sessions. Very eye-opening. Pee tests, long waits, Star Wars bar scene in the waiting room.

On top of all this his wife left him si months ago and has filed for divorce. He has come to grips with that but it was rocky as expected....I also go with him to the lawyer he has hired and I take notes.

The divorce may end up out of court, we'll see.

So now I am doing what many of you have suggested and looking for the right openings. Progress has been made.

Thanks to all.

jhynesrockmtn · 03-10-2019, 07:17 AM

A very tough road, he is fortunate to have you supporting him. I grew up with two alcoholic parents. Once my Dad got sober after many failed attempts and years of trying, he stayed sober with AA and eventually became a leader and mentor for others. A bunch of people I'd never met showed up at his funeral. All people from his former AA group in a town they'd not lived in for 10+ years. Others have suggested he may get some motivation from serving others. I agree but he'll need to focus on getting his own life under control first. Best to you both.

flatbutt · 03-10-2019, 07:35 AM

Paul, this is why I have referred to you as the best friend I've never met. Your generosity of spirit towards your friend is of such merit as to be difficult to laud properly. All your buds here have said so because it is true.

Now, as one who has suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune alongside a friend , please believe me that even though you've said "this is not hard for me" and certainly I trust you in that but, my friend it may be hard on you with out you realizing it.
This is not meant as a criticism Paul, far from it. Your focus on your friend along with your huge heart can let you overlook the impact this event may have on you. You've probably got a good grip on the perspective "there but for the grace of God go I" but I simply want to say it out loud, take care of yourself as well while you care for your brother.

If needs be you know where to find me.

Seahawk · 03-10-2019, 08:23 AM

That is very humbling, Tom.

I'll reach out when the time is right.

Best and thanks.

Seahawk · 03-24-2019, 12:54 PM

Progress.

First of all, the PM's were so insightful. I am a complete newbie in this realm so the emails and PM's were of enormous value to me. Perspective served with empathy and a bit of "pull up"...very cool.

More to follow.

crustychief · crustychief's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Progress.

First of all, the PM's were so insightful. I am a complete newbie in this realm so the emails and PM's were of enormous value to me. Perspective served with empathy and a bit of "pull up"...very cool.

More to follow.

Awesome Paul! I am sure your buddy really needs you more than he knows right now. Following this thread as an EX NAVY DAPA.

Seahawk · 03-24-2019, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crustychief

Awesome Paul! I am sure your buddy really needs you more than he knows right now. Following this thread as an EX NAVY DAPA.

Wow, Sandy, the things you must know as an ex DAPA I wouldn't have a clue about. Bless you for all the people you helped. Hard knocks.

He isn't an addict in terms of abuse - he has been prescribed pain medicine for his legitimate maladies: Is he tweaking the system a bit, perhaps, but the opioids are off the table. He does not drink, btw. That would be a deal breaker for me.

He has kept to the schedule of drugs the Doctors suggested, a scary mix in my mind...but I take virtually no drugs of account so the apothecary he deals with is foreign to me.

We are creating benchmarks, attainable goals that occasion the next benchmark.

Living and Dying in 3/4 Time.

RKDinOKC · RKDinOKC's Garage

My Dad had Crones and managed it well drinking Aloe Vera juice. Mixed it from a concentrate. In fact, after a couple of years his doc did some kind of exploritory surgery because all his symptoms stopped and the doc could not find crones any more. The doc said he was his only patient that the crones disappeared.

tabs · 03-25-2019, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

The three stages of helping are; It gets better if you try., There is help available if you want it., and I'm not going to watch you die.

I used to do a lot of counseling, and I still do some. I don't help people because they need it, I don't help people because they want it, I help people who are willing to help themselves. Somewhere, in the depths of despair, people have to make a choice, Life or Death, Good or Evil.

We extend the hand of help and friendship, but you must reach out and take it. Helping people with addictions and depression is counter intuitive. You somehow need to be there, but you have to make it clear that it is their choice to live or die.

It gets better, but you have to try. Wives and friends get sick of enabling. You have to draw a sharp line in the sand, and point out that it is a choice whether or not someone crosses it. No one can cross it for another, no one can drag you over. You hit bottom alone, and you have to make a choice. You have to ask the universe for help, and you have to be willing to take it.

You can offer support, but it is important that you are clear that it is a choice.

This more or less sums it up. You can throw a life preserver but the guy has to grab it.

NY65912 · 03-25-2019, 03:50 AM

I have had Crohn's my whole life (63). I have been symptom free since 2010 when I started taken Humira every 2 weeks. My life is now normal and I deal with things with a much clearer mind.

Tell your friend to get to the best Gastro doc he can find and get on the Humira.

drcoastline · 03-25-2019, 04:19 AM

I have no advice to offer on this topic. I simply wish to express my admiration for you. As a father, as a military man as an all around good guy on this forum and now this.

My thoughts are with you and your friend. I am not sure where in Maryland you are but I make it to Annapolis, Kent Island on a more or less regular basis. If you need anything Just say the word.

Summer is approaching if you, your friend or family need a few hours out on the bay to get away from it all, my wife and I would be happy to welcome you aboard for a cruise.

rfuerst911sc · 03-25-2019, 04:24 AM

First off you are being a great friend to help him through this journey ! Is the Crohns the only/primary reason for his pain ? Or are there other issues ? Not trying to pry but knowing what maladies are at issue may help us provide info . I agree as others have stated find the best damn Crohns doctor/institute you can find . It sounds like if that can be controlled that would be a huge step forward .

What are his passions ? Does he like to teach or mentor ? Is he into cars or boats or fishing etc. you get the idea . Keeping the mind sharp and focused on something you love to do is a great healing tool . Is there a local Crohns support group ? Sometimes just seeing others going through the same thing you are can be a big help especially mentally .

You also have to realize you are not a professional and there is only so much you can do . But your support is critical in this " team " approach , the team being doctors/health professionals/therapists and possibly group self help . It sounds like your friend is a sharp guy and hopefully with outside help , getting done with the divorce and your support he will make it through . Pulling for you ! Does he have other friends/relatives trying to help also ?

Seahawk · 03-25-2019, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rfuerst911sc

You also have to realize you are not a professional and there is only so much you can do . But your support is critical in this " team " approach , the team being doctors/health professionals/therapists and possibly group self help . It sounds like your friend is a sharp guy and hopefully with outside help , getting done with the divorce and your support he will make it through . Pulling for you ! Does he have other friends/relatives trying to help also ?

Completely understand - today is his second visit to a psychologist, which will be a regular occurrence from here on out...that was the progress I was referring to.

Steve is an interesting guy, best described as "prickly". His circle of trusted friends is small but we are all helping.

Again, thanks for the council - it helps!

Seahawk · 03-25-2019, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NY65912

I have had Crohn's my whole life (63). I have been symptom free since 2010 when I started taken Humira every 2 weeks. My life is now normal and I deal with things with a much clearer mind.

Tell your friend to get to the best Gastro doc he can find and get on the Humira.

Done. THANKS!