Homeschooling

[PorscheGAL]

I homeschooled my son until he started college at 16. He is currently half way to a bachelors in biomedical engineering. We chose to do homeschool because the local public school system did not provide for him academically and local private schools didn't do much better. There are many rewarding things about homeschooling. I have seen parents do it brilliantly and I have seen parents fail their children terribly.

This is not a decision you make lightly. You need to be all in. Homeschooling will not erase any anxiety. You and your wife need to look at yourselves, as potential teachers, and ask if you will be able to critique your son's work even if he has anxiety. If he cries, has a panic attack, etc, how will you deal with that? Will you guide him through it or will you cater to his emotion and let him get by. The hardest part is telling your child they failed at an assignment, see that disappointment and making them repeat it so they get it. You must be able to pull away from some of the emotions of a parent and look at homeschooling as a job that needs to be done better than any job you have ever done. The consequence of failure is too great.

I don't want to discourage homeschooling because it can work. If you are interested I can PM my number to you and your wife is welcome to call me. I have helped lots of people get started. There may be things she hasn't thought about that I can help with that may help you guys make a choice.

Whatever you choose, I wish you luck.

[71T Targa]

My experience for what it's worth...

I have 4 school aged kids currently. 1st, 6th, 11th, and 12th grade.

This year we are home schooling our 6th grader. Couldn't be happier with the choice and she is doing great with it. She also plays sports at her old school so she stays connected with friends that way.

[LWJ]

I didn't read all the responses above. Sorry.

First. Your kid's health is a big deal. I have a kid with medical anxiety. We changed schools for this and had an excellent result. I don't have a problem with you homeschooling - with some thoughts on this.

My wife was a professionally trained teacher. She has commented that even with her education, teaching all topics is something that she can't do. There are simply too many and too much to know and teach for one person.

Also, there are lots of schools that allow sports / extracurricular activities for home-schooled kids.

Finally, there are lots of group activities for home-schooled kids.

My thought? Do what is safe and healthy for your kid BUT weave in items above to limit the isolation and weaknesses inherent in the system.

To all the folks above that are advocating tough-love. What if it breaks the kid vs helps them? How you gonna fix that?

[Tervuren]

My observation of the thread.

You don't need a school to have a kid with discipline.
You can make going to school a discipline, or you can replace it with your own discipline.

It isn't a matter of giving up discipline.

A big question, what is the anxiety?
Is your school trying to turn your son into Greta?

We're just shooting in the dark on that one.


Anecdotal, I know a mom that made no discipline, no effort, oldest was approaching being a teenager without being able to basic math, reading, etc. That oldest was taken to a 6th grade level in one year of two days per week at the mother in law's of the mom.

I really have to wonder at how our school system starts so young, we could possibly start years later, and with a more mature mind still reach the same result.

For me, I find fulfillment in productivity. No productivity, I will become anxious.

[Rodsrsr]

I'd be extremely cautious about enrolling kids in the public school system.

https://ktrh.iheart.com/content/2019-10-30-austin-schools-to-teach-kids-sodomy-lbgt-agenda-in-new-sex-ed-curriculum/

[brainz01]

IROC, my heart goes out to you. I'm a father to a 3rd and 5th grader. Other than that, I'm just Sumdood on the interwebs, but here's my thoughts:

1) You need to get to the root of the anxiety. Politics, Religion, and Diet - - I'm sure others will mock me, but dont rule out diet issues. Sugar and processed foods (which is mostly what kids eat these days) are highly associated with anxiety. A (real) whole food diet has worked wonders for many. My own anxiety is now able to be managed (without drugs) with a very low sugar diet. I'm not saying diet is the only path, but I'd test that before moving on to meds for kids.

2) I wouldn't rule out homeschooling while you sort out the anxiety, but everyone must realize that it takes additional work/parenting to homeschool effectively. My brother's kids had some issues with their local public school and he and his wife elected to homeschool their kids. It is a big commitment, but they took it very seriously and his kids thrived. You get out of it what you put into it. Note that they emphasized curiosity and self discipline and achievement - - and they had the freedom to do lots of other cool (hobby) stuff with their schedule which further enriched his kids. It's been several years now (oldest is just got a driver's license) and both kids elected to reintegrate into the public school system this year - - both are much more confident and at the top of their classes academically. Homeschooling done right can be terrific.

I wish you well.

[IROC]

Sorry for starting this thread and not posting, but I got stuck in meetings all day yesterday. That did give me the opportunity to read through all of the responses last night and think them through and I really appreciate all of the advice and commentary. I wish I could respond individually to the many great questions and comments, but rest assured I read everything.

To answer some questions:

He does have anxiety issues. These go way beyond school (and I won't go into them now) but his issue with school is just a piece of the total anxiety pie. His pediatrician (who also has first-hand experience with anxiety) called my son a "glass half empty" kind of kid. He is just generally not happy. He gets frustrated and "stressed out" very easily. My other kids are not that way.

I have opinions on homeschooling (not a big fan) but in the end this - to me - is not so much about the homeschooling as it is doing the right thing relative to his much larger world of anxiety. My wife is convinced that taking him out of school will relieve that stress and everything else will follow. I'm not convinced and I asked her "what if you're wrong" Then what?". This (looking at you Tobra ) is also causing some friction between me and my wife.

The public school system here is awesome. No complaints at all. My daughter has been in it since kindergarten (now a sophomore) and I have nothing but good things to say. Her high school was ranked 5th in the state of Tennessee and is the #1 public high school. I wish I could have gone to such great schools. (hey Don Davis! ).

Bullying is not the problem (that was my initial fear). He has a huge number of friends. His teachers (we've discussed this with them) say that if we had not told them, they would never know his issues. His grades are good and he seems happy and engaged in school. Does after school activities (bragging - about three weeks ago he placed FIRST overall in the state of TN JV elementary cross country championship with a 6:11 mile).

He and I do things together and I've taken those opportunities to have discussions with him to try and draw him out. I was extremely shy as a kid and my entire personality/moving forward into adulthood was (and still is) informed by that shyness and - dare I say - anxiety. To a great extent I know what he is going through, but unlike me as a kid (maybe things were different then) where I bottled it up and pushed through (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?...gee, that's healthy, huh?) - he seems to just meltdown and retreat.

It is both frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.

Thanks again for all of the comments and discussion. It's what makes Pelican different from the rest of the internet.

[MRM]

I don't have much sparkling insight to add, but I do have a couple of thoughts and one article that seems appropriate for the thread.

First, you have to find out what really causes him to not like school. You can't just ask him (although obviously you do that too) you need to figure it out because he's not going to tell you the root problem easily. That's just the way kids are. You can't figure out what your best response is if you don't really understand the problem and the root cause of the problem.

Second, it does seem like he's doing a lot for a kid his age. Does he have time to be a kid? Can he go to his room and lose himself in a book for an afternoon without anyone bothering him or is there a nightly race to get home after activities, a fight to get homework done, and straight to bed the second all the work is done?

My brother is a school psychologist and he claims there is NO correlation to completing homework/grades/success in the lower grades and success in high school or later years. From my experience (and woeful grades) I think he's right.

Finally, here's a good article I literally just read. As I read it I thought of this thread and thought I should post it. So here it is.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/12/stop-trying-to-raise-successful-kids/600751/

[billybek]

I didn't read every reply but think I had seen a response that mentioned giftedness.
Having him tested to see if he is gifted is not a bad idea and the psychologist he is seeing should be able to accommodate that test.
Gifted kids often have tenancies towards autism, ADHD and depression (and more). Not such a great gift in some cases.
Having him tested for giftedness and maybe changing up his doc for counselling until you find one that works for him could be a life changing solution for the whole family.
We were very fortunate that the school board here has a charter school for gifted kids and a program that will accommodate the gifted in their different needs inside the mainstream school system.
One of my friends had moved his son to the gifted school and was amazed at the difference in his son's behavior. After the first day his son came home from school and said "I have found my people".
My son was coded gifted and was difficult to deal with in school. Through counselling and hard work you would never know that he had any social issues when he was younger.
Polite, interesting and interested. Can't ask for much more than that.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by IROC

My wife is convinced that taking him out of school will relieve that stress and everything else will follow. I'm not convinced and I asked her "what if you're wrong" Then what?".

You are right not to be convinced. Taking the boy out of school for a year and working diligently to find the root of his anxieties is probably a good path to take. Simply taking him out of school and expecting that in itself will solve his problems seems, frankly, naive.

[DonDavis]

This conversation has been very thoughtful, informative and beneficial to understanding the pros and cons of many aspects of the topic.

We've heard first hand success from a long time forum member ( and Mother ) and she held no punches. Homeschooling is no joke, and it's a LOT of work. But damn fine work when applied properly.

Not too bad for a bunch of amateurs on a car forum.

[Math]

(what a great thread, full of good points and experiences- it actually widened my opinion on the topic. )

[BK911]

Not sure I can add much to this discussion, but a couple of things that should be mentioned:

Video games / TV / cell phones - lead to add in kids and even adults. So much information being crammed into the brain at such a high rate, that kids tend to get withdrawals when not in front of a screen.

Prescription drugs - just say no. They may help one issue, but too many side effects cause other issues. Many (most?) mass shooters are on some sort of prescription drugs. Instead of drugs and playstation, get a bike!

[GG Allin]

My kids are home schooled. I'm not thrilled about it but they're in a similar situation described in the OP.

I always hated school myself. I find it hard to argue that someone needs to do something I never wanted to do.

I recently pulled up my highschool transcript. My GPA was less than 1. I don't even know how I graduated. I was never there.

That said, I find the real world to be a lot easier than school. I'm thriving and I do well. So personally, I have a hard time believing that school is all that important.

[IROC]

Originally Posted by PorscheGAL

This is not a decision you make lightly. You need to be all in. Homeschooling will not erase any anxiety. You and your wife need to look at yourselves, as potential teachers, and ask if you will be able to critique your son's work even if he has anxiety. If he cries, has a panic attack, etc, how will you deal with that? Will you guide him through it or will you cater to his emotion and let him get by. The hardest part is telling your child they failed at an assignment, see that disappointment and making them repeat it so they get it. You must be able to pull away from some of the emotions of a parent and look at homeschooling as a job that needs to be done better than any job you have ever done. The consequence of failure is too great.

Thanks for this. My wife is a stay-at-home Mom (has been for all our kids) and also has an engineering degree. But...to me that in no way indicates that homeschooling would be easy for her to do. I think she views it as a "fun challenge", but as you mention, "the consequences of failure are too great". I don't think she realizes how hard it would be.

Again, this has been a great discussion. I think I am going to stick to my focus of the anxiety itself. I do realize that one size does not fit all and homeschooling in and of itself isn't a bad thing - I just don't think it is a value-added part of the solution for my son.

[flipper35]

Some anecdotal evidence from a friend of ours. She was a teacher in a large city and they home schooled their child when he got to be school age. He can barely read and it took just over 6 years to get through high school. If you home school, or do online school you still have to have discipline to make sure the kids are doing what they are supposed to.

[flipper35]

On a side note, he doesn't eat red food colored stuff does he? There are some food grade red dyes that cause all sorts of issues.

[911 Rod]

I feel everything starts at home.
Fix there and work outward.

[PorscheGAL]

Originally Posted by IROC

Thanks for this. My wife is a stay-at-home Mom (has been for all our kids) and also has an engineering degree. But...to me that in no way indicates that homeschooling would be easy for her to do. I think she views it as a "fun challenge", but as you mention, "the consequences of failure are too great". I don't think she realizes how hard it would be.

Again, this has been a great discussion. I think I am going to stick to my focus of the anxiety itself. I do realize that one size does not fit all and homeschooling in and of itself isn't a bad thing - I just don't think it is a value-added part of the solution for my son.

You said that your son is now seeing a therapist. Give that some time. It is not an overnight solution. My next question is what is your son's opinion on school?

[Vaive]

OP:

My 2 kids are home schooled. They also have more friends than I can shake a stick at (not that I'd shake sticks at kids ). They're both in several after school activities and there are also a lot of home school group activities like art, skiing, music. Think of anything done in a public school and there's a homeschool version of it most likely in your town. Plus we live in a neighborhood where every home has a kid or two or three. All the kids in the neighborhood are friends. So there is absolutely no issue with socialization or lack of friends or anything like that.

In our state, home school kids have the option to take the public school standardized tests. Both my kids consistently score 2 grades above where they should be for all subjects. I don't know if that's cuz they're really smart or my wife does a really good job, either way, it's working out very well so far.

Having said all that....it's not easy. My wife does the primary teaching, and I help out here and there. But for her it is definitely a full time job. Don't go into it unless you truly commit and don't treat it like a part time job. Either you're in or you're not, don't 1/2 a$$ it.

Also I know the stereotype is homeschooler = ultra religious. That is somewhat true, but in our community of families we know, religion plays a small role. We're not religious whatsoever.

Anyway my 2 cents worth on the subject. PM me if you have any questions, I'm always happy to share on this subject.