Serious question. How did you survive menopause with your marriage intact?

[72doug2,2S]

First marriage did not survive it, COVID only made it worse.

Second marriage is just starting menopause (much earlier). She is taking meds, but the anger outbursts are stressing. Alcohol makes everything worse. Sex becomes a chore when you can't keep her mouth shut. It's so hard to concentrate.

I'm going to get her on the one-a-day and see if it helps. This is great thread.

Seems like there should be more information out there for both of us, but there doesn't seem to be.

[asphaltgambler]

I'm soon to be 64, my (2nd) wife soon to be 58. We've been together for 22 years, work friends then dating @1 year prior. In the first few years my wife was absolutely gorgeous. dark long hair, lips, t*ts and hips standing 5' tall. Some of my friends thought she was a former stripper with all that going even though she was Christian and dressed conservatively. She had perfect skin, etc, etc. Just think of Wynona Judd (back in the day before she got fat). Our sex life as well as most everything else was really, very good overall. We'd both learned a lot from our previous relationships and were a lot older.

Then............................................me nopause hit @ 4 years ago. She gained a lot of weight right in her stomach as most women do. She was irrational, angry, depressed, couldn't sleep, then could not get up. She started to drink wine every evening and consumed more liquor on the weekends than ever before. She developed rosatia (sp?) on her face. She lost any and all interest in sex, forgetting that OK, I'm still a guy - I have the occasional needs, even if it's just a reach around.

She refused doctor's advice until last year when her doctor told her she was on the verge of being obese, had heart palpitations, high blood pressure. She then went on a 1000 calorie a day diet which has helped everything, but she refuses to consider hormone therapy, natural or otherwise.

We had a huge blowout over the 4th weekend where we had 4 days off together. I just could not take one more dinner of her complaining about (fill in the blank) It's been Hell honestly. If I were not saved, and had no real point of moral reference, I'm not sure where I would be

[911 Rod]

Reading these posts tell us "we never know what goes on behind closed doors"

[unclebilly]

Originally Posted by 911 Rod

Reading these posts tell us "we never know what goes on behind closed doors"

You never really do.

[asphaltgambler]

Here's the thing. When growing up in the 60's / 70's I was advised on everything from drugs, hard drugs, gold digging women, work and work ethic(s), higher education, drive to succeed - most all of which I ignored. You know the ONE thing no one ever discussed with me? Effing menopausal women, cause and effects on the spouse. I actually brought this up in past monthly men's meetings with our church I was so frustrated. The guys who were older than me just laughed and patted me on the back, the younger ones looked all wide-eyed with gaping pie-holes

[1990C4S]

I'm seeing alcohol as a big contributor to the problem here...

[gacook]

Originally Posted by craigster59

My Wife would get hot flashes like no tomorrow. I could see her chest getting flush and moving up to her face. She wouldn't get mood swings though.

We both like things calm, cool and collected. 45 years and never an argument. Disagreements yes, but they get worked out immediately (I just do what she suggests!).

Seriously though, they do subside. She would take Black Cohosh and drink Soy Milk. Maybe it was a placebo. Who knows, but we got through it.

Of course being Norwegian and used to cold you would think I could take it, but she's German and I swear you could hang meat in our house the way she sets the thermostat.

I'm "dealing" with it now, too. Not much problem, really. The hot flashes suck for her and she HAS run me out of the bed a couple nights because it just gets TOO hot (I run hot already, too) but not a huge problem. Mood swings are non-existent, fortunately, and she's found some supplement that is really helping her hot flashes. She's done a lot of research and has decided to do HRT. Hopefully, that'll help her.

We have joked about a "bed divorce" (where couples sleep in separate beds) but I'd never do that to her unless it got REALLY bad. A couple bad nights of sleep over a 6 month period? I can deal with that.

[Ktm450exc]

This is such an under publicized issue. My 17 year marriage didn’t survive it. It’s never brought up because it’s deemed sexist, not PC or that you’re putting the blame on something besides yourself.
Children’s live are negatively impacted. It’s sad..
I’ve read that a women’s brain chemistry actual changes.. Most marriages are tenuous at best throw in some menopause issues and it’s over…

[unclebilly]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

I'm seeing alcohol as a big contributor to the problem here...

Maybe in some cases. My wife has less than 20 drinks a year. Perhaps this is the problem (she needs to drink more)…

I really appreciate everyone’s responses, even if there is no sage advice or silver bullet to fix the problem, atleast I know I’m not alone.

This is NOT pleasant. I’m going to encourage her to see our doctor about it and will send an email to our doc outlining the behaviours. If I suggest the vitamin regimen or HRT because I read about it here it won’t mean as much to her as if our beloved doc suggests these ideas.

[Rot 911]

Originally Posted by gacook

We have joked about a "bed divorce" (where couples sleep in separate beds) but I'd never do that to her unless it got REALLY bad. A couple bad nights of sleep over a 6 month period? I can deal with that.

We did this in the second year of my wife going through menopause and it saved our marriage. Between her hot flashes and snoring, I was not getting any sleep. We still sleep in separate rooms and don’t find it to be all that unusual.

[Shifter]

Patience and understanding. If you love your wife, you will adapt to the changes.
Not easy for either of you. Been there, done that. Plenty of female friends going through the change, they all have similar challenges.

Easier to bail, but ask if you want to be that person. If the answer is yes, do it, don't prolong the suffering for either of you.

[Jeff Hail]

Originally Posted by unclebilly

Maybe in some cases. My wife has less than 20 drinks a year. Perhaps this is the problem (she needs to drink more)…

I really appreciate everyone’s responses, even if there is no sage advice or silver bullet to fix the problem, atleast I know I’m not alone.

This is NOT pleasant. I’m going to encourage her to see our doctor about it and will send an email to our doc outlining the behaviours. If I suggest the vitamin regimen or HRT because I read about it here it won’t mean as much to her as if our beloved doc suggests these ideas.

About that silver bullet?

[Icemaster]

Originally Posted by gsxrken

Another great post even if the ending wasn't from a storybook- straight from the heart.

Thanks man. 3 years on there's still some emotional toll to deal with. If you can keep good friends and your wits about you, emerging on the other side is wonderful when it happens.

[911 Rod]

IMO
When they reach this stage it amplifies how they really are. We've all seen the bits here and there. Menopause and boom, out come the true feelings.
I also feel that if the relationship fails because of this it was not strong to begin with.
Maybe I'm a dick.

[recycled sixtie]

Hey life can be brutal. Remember your wedding vows. If you had a strong marriage before then you likely will have a strong one after.
Cheers, Guy.

[Crowbob]

I’m thinking the ladies would be waaaay less tolerant of their spouses if allasudden those spouses turned into raging lunatics for months or years on end.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Leaving a marriage isn't always failing. If cracks were there to begin with, or the menopause comes with other things like drinking or drug abuse, then you have to preserve yourself and possibly other family members. That is the only way to possibly come back around to the relationship. If you both go down a black hole, there is nothing to preserve. People have to help themselves and if the wife isn't willing to work on making herself better through this, then she is the one doing the the damage. My second wife of now 7 years had ovarian cancer earlier in her life. She's now 67. She's been on HRT because of the hysterectomy for a long time. I guess the upside is she didn't go through "the change".

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

Hey life can be brutal. Remember your wedding vows. If you had a strong marriage before then you likely will have a strong one after.
Cheers, Guy.

I'm seeing a trend with people not getting married in that sense (vows). If it weren't for spousal benefits, I doubt you would see as many marriages as you do. If I continue this, it will go to PARF and that is not my intention.

[PorscheGAL]

There have been quite a few studies that show soy can reduce symptoms. Maybe adding a little to her diet can help?

Good luck.

[glewis80SC]

My wife is in the middle of it now the big issue for her are the hot flashes all day and night. No out of the ordinary mood swings, she is Latin/Irish so she can be feisty, but it is not directed at me. She recently retired and is focusing on Art which she has loved all he life, I do feel for her the flashes would make me crazy.
Soy? I will mention it to her. I'm in the fire service and can be gone for days in a row so i'm sure that helps too. FYI we have been together over 30 years.