Looking back, how would you liked to have been raised?

[Zeke]

We've all heard the proverb, “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.” This assumes that the next 2 generations are actually involved with whatever source the original money was made. I think what I want to say is that offspring don't follow in the family footsteps so much anymore.

This is certainly true with me, but the difference is I didn't show any interest in the family advertising business. I'm not a suit, never was and never will be. The most suits I have had at one time is one. Weddings and funerals. Nowadays most don't even wear suits to those occasions — depending on social status, of course.

OTOH, my dad had 20 at any given time and most were custom tailored. Same with his dress shirts. I got mine at Penny's.

[aschen]

Interesting to read these, and some sad of course. Can't really imagine growing up in anything but a nurturing environment.

My childhood was about as nurturing and positive as I think possible. For that I will alwys be greatful.

My father was an eccentric cardiologist, that wore cowboy hats and smoked cigars, and drove a janky pickup (before this was common) while having porsches rotting in the driveway. He was interested in everything, flying, art, working on things, playing instruments, heathkit stuff etc. I was tag along on most of these endevors. He had built a bizzaro double dome house we grew up in the mid west. My mom was extrodinarily high energy and always involved in all the kids activities. We often had foster kids in the house and eventually a new brother by adoption.

We were/are jewish but not particularly devout. We all love bacon.

[LWJ]

Wow. This is something I struggle with.

Even explaining is a challenge.

On reflection, it seems my dad and brother are on the autism spectrum.

My mom was amazing and nurturing when I was a child but is very much a narcissist today.

We never missed a meal but I did miss having a father who was a positive figure. I begged my mom over 1000 times to divorce him. He was really a jerk. I recall being 4 years old and something switched in him. He was a pretty big ass ever after until just recently.

Fast forward, my folks are in their late 80’s now. Still married. I don’t hate my father as much. In fact, I love them. But, I have boundaries that I enforce. And while I am the gregarious speaker in my family, I refuse to speak at my father’s service when he dies. Not so much out of spite as not wanting to perpetuate a lie.

I think/hope I am mostly moved on from this. I adore my family. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. I don’t let this poison my life.

But I mourn not having the father that I wanted / needed. And, don’t bother saying I should try to patch things up. We are waaaay past that one.

[Crowbob]

Thank you all for your stories and your bravery to tell them.

I beheld my first appreciation for the meaning of dysfunctional family when my older brother by two years jumped on our father’s back to prevent him from stabbing our mother with a fork. I was in second grade at the time.

It’s a bit unclear but I can still see torn hosiery flecked with blood and one shoe standing in the corner of the kitchen.

Then it got bad.

Homelessness and cheap hotels were involved.

But they stayed together till death parted them. By the time each had passed, my father had shown me that redemption must be achieved; my mother, that forgiveness is a virtue.

So I think I was brought up right.

[jyl]

Second-generation American. Parents on both sides from China. My parents met in graduate school in New York and quickly married so that my mother could stay in the US. They weren’t a good fit and divorced when I was five. My mother initially gave my dad custody of me, then changed her mind and at the court hearing the judge ordered my dad to hand me over. My earliest memory is my dad running to me, crying, as I stood surrounded by people in some big official building. My next memory is us running through an airport, because my father took me and fled the country, to France where he had a mathematics post-doc job offer. We lived in France for three years, my father was at some university and my grandmother came to take care of me in our apartment in Paris. Grandma never learned French but I did, so I had the run of the city. At seven years old I’d take a pocketful of Metro tickets and go everywhere in Paris; there’s not an arrondissement I haven’t explored, and although I don’t remember too much I’ll sometimes turn a corner and realize I’ve been there before. After Paris we lived in Strasbourg and then a little town in Southern France. Then we moved to Vancouver B.C., where my father had found another academic job out of the reach of US law. Eventually I was sent to live with my grandparents in New Jersey. So imagine a kid who has moved to a new place every year, changing school systems and countries, no friends he’s known for more than a year or so, basically a latchkey child, mostly reading and drawing and building models and watching TV alone. If he goes out to ride his bike or play in the vacant lot, he usually does it alone. He’s precocious, speaks multiple languages, has read everything in sight, was taught calculus before he was nine, so he gets pushed up a grade each time he moves, and by the time he’s in high school he’s only ten years old, and its a ****ty violent high school in 1970s Northern New Jersey just a chemical plume away from Newark, and, oh yea, he’s a little Chink with glasses who lives with his grandparents. I remember New Jersey in black and white. Then I moved to Los Angeles to join my father who by then had changed careers from mathematics to aerospace, designing submarine guidance systems, air-to-air missiles (AIM-54, anyone?), and antitank missiles (TOW, anyone?). L.A. was incredible, every day was sunny, everyone was blonde, they were all friendly, it was like being reborn. I ran cross country and learned to play tennis well enough to be on the high school’s JV team. But I didn’t like half my high school classes, and refused to attend them, supported by my dad who didn’t see the point of those classes either. The school suspended me and there was a stand-off, which was broken when I dropped out and started college at UCLA. I didn’t connect with UCLA kids at all, spent all my time alone studying physics and feeling bad. After a year I transferred to UC Berkeley, and Berkeley in the 70s was a place where anyone could fit in, so another re-birth. Lots of drinking, drugs, skiing, hanging out, and I switched to mathematics which I liked better than physics (or maybe it was just easier) but ultimately not enough to make it a career, so I became a lawyer. That’s about the end of the upbringing story, and looking back it wasn’t one I’d wish on any kid, so I made sure my kids were brought up completely differently - stable family, full time mother, pets, plenty of travel abroad but always returned to school in the US, no skipping grades, close friends they’ve known most of their lives, lots of art and writing and not too much mathematics. I didn’t push them into a field or pressure them to follow me (you think I actually wanted to learn all that math when I was little?) I guess someday they’ll dish on their upbringing, but I did my best, as my dad did.

[Evans, Marv]

My parents' motto was: Children are to be seen and not heard. My father was not interactive and would ignore me. If I tried to talk to him about something, he would stare straight ahead and say nothing. I remember being at a friends house during elementary school, and my friend was conversing with his father. I was amazed at how they interacted. My mother was capricious in her treatment of me and my little sister. Both were very negative toward things we wanted to do and never encouraging. We moved to CA in the mid to later 40s and moved around quite a lot. My father lost his business while I was in high school, and I contributed to the family's support my last two years in high school working four nights a week, while trying to keep up appearances and maintain participation in school & sports. When they were old, they never expressed any positivity when I would visit them. I just chocked it up to "different strokes for different folks."

[Bill Douglas]

I read/heard somewhere that the greatest gift you can give a kid is a childhood they don't need to recover from.

[MMARSH]

Interesting stories from all of you.

I didn't realize till I became an adult that everybodies family wasn't the same as ours. So many people I know are estranged from their parents or siblings.

My parents were married for 50 years when my father died. I never once saw them fight or even really argue with each other. Some of my fondest memories are of me laying in bed as a child and hearing them talking and laughing thru the shared wall. Their relationship really shaped the kind of relationship I wanted to have with my wife. As a child, I could feel that they really enjoyed each other's company. I finally got it right the second time...

My parents were pretty social, but I've never seen either of them drunk. Their only vice was smoking, but those were the times and my dad picked it up when he went to Vietnam. They both had quit by the time I was in high-school

My father was a career military man and my early years we lived on a army base in Alaska. I loved Alaska, great memories of camping and exploring the outdoors. When my Dad transferred to Fort Lewis Washington. My parents purchased a home in a suburb of Portland, which is where a big part of my dad's side of the family was from. My dad would come home on the weekends. I lived there till I joined the military and haven't lived in Oregon since. But for better or worse, ill always be an Oregonian at heart.

My wife always says I had a perfect childhood and quite frankly it was pretty darn good.

I got my love of travel and adventure from my parents, I got my love of cars from my parents. My youger sister and I have a great relationship and it we think so much alike sometimes its scary. She also had a great relationship with my parents.

My two best friends in the world are guys I've known since the 7th grade and my sophomore year in high-school. There is just something great about friends that you go way back with.

My parents always supported and encouraged us in anything we wanted to do and if I'm being honest, I set the bar to low.

I joined the military after graduating high-school and never looked back. I've never borrowed a dime from my parents, but I've always known if Ive ever needed anything I could go to my parents.

To this day, the worse thing I could ever do is something to disappoint my parents.

[KFC911]

A great thread ... thanks for sharing everyone!

[Mike Andrew]

Originally Posted by Bill Douglas

I read/heard somewhere that the greatest gift you can give a kid is a childhood they don't need to recover from.

This!!!!

Alcoholic father and all that came with that gift. Great guy when sober but a mean and nasty guy when drunk. And abusive, verbally and physically toward his family. As the oldest, I was the focal point of his wrath most of the time. The physical stuff stopped when I was 18 and put him on the kitchen floor with a right hand, then drove down the alley and cried my eyes out, knowing I had just hit my father and how screwed up that was. He finally quit drinking about 10 years before he died and white knuckled it the rest of his life, still unhappy but sober,

On his deathbed, I mentioned that we had not always seen eye to eye and he nodded, a tear in his eye. Then told him that he gave me the best education that a father could provide - taught me to stand on my own, to take responsibility for my actions and the value of hard work (by example). More tears and an. "I love you". A few more of those in the preceding years would have been nice to hear.

It took me years, but I have forgiven him. Plenty of shrink time to get there but a good place to be.

[GH85Carrera]

As I said in my previous post, dad was an Ari Force pilot. He mentioned once the best part of the job was going to the Officers club and drinking with fellow pilots. Very inexpensive booze provided at no markup. He had a drink at home regularly. He was never a mean drunk, just quiet.

I left to become an adult before he retired. My parents moved to Oklahoma City two years after I did to be closer to their parents. Dad drank a lot more, and at one point was drinking a quart of Gin every day. One day he saw himself in the full length mirror in the hall and asked himself who was that old man. He went to rehab and was sober until he died over 30 year later. He went back to college and got another degree to become a alcohol and drug councilor.

Long after his had died I heard from an aunt that said my grandfather was nicknamed Red because he would get drunk and mean, and get into fights at bars. Dad never mentioned any issues growing up, I don;t know if it was to shield me or if it never happened. I only remember grandpa as a neat grandparent that loved to raise vegetables in his one acre garden behind their house.

I have never cared for hard liquor. I do love beer. But at two beers a day I am far from a drunk.

[Zeke]

I think the question within the question is when and how you may have realized that maybe your life wasn't going the way that you may have thought it should.

There were several kids on my one block long street that didn't go through to the next block. We were in and out of all the neighbor's houses all the time. You would think that enabled observation as to how others lived, and it did. But one doesn't always see what's right there. I think I was oblivious other than a little childhood jealousy if someone got a new bike.

On the other thread, there were a few examples of alcohol induced behavior. I'm sure some of my childhood neighbors drank plenty while, of course, others did not. My parents drank a little beyond socially and smoked up a storm. It wasn't that subnormal. I'm sure I was totally unaware of what all the parents really thought of each other.

I lived in the same house from birth to age 16. Most of the neighbors didn't move away so it was pretty Beaver stable. Except for me, Dennis the Menace. I didn't know any better and received only the usual and mostly just punishment.

OK, that's the backstory. At one point things just fell completely apart. As an only child, all 3 of us went our separate ways, willingly or not. My mother went from being an upper middle class housewife with an education to waiting tables. I always knew how to work having mowed lawns, washed cars and windows, etc. So I was able to work and enjoyed work and that became a way of life.

I sorta knew how f***'d up my upbringing was when the apple cart turned over. Better than a lot of folks, I know that. But you know what, I seemed to have a lot of fun and I continued that life. But I did change my direction 180º and became someone completely different than what you would think. I did dirty jobs, my parents and local grandparents hired that work.

I think military service can be a turning point but I didn't have that opportunity. I wanted to, but it wasn't to be (a health issue). Maybe military or not, at 18 you become the person you are going to be.

Some went into the family business or similar. Others brought about the thought, "Where'd he come from?"

[pwd72s]

Funny how we reflect back on things. Looking back on my childhood and high school years, I realize that most of my then problems were self imposed. Back then, I'd have loved being a spoiled rich kid with powerful parents. I definitely needed time to grow up...

So, here I sit at age 80? Things I wish I'd done differently? You bet...there are regrets from the past. I think we all have those. But overall? I'm content...married to the woman who probably saved my life for nearly 49 years now, and living frugally, money worries are zilch. A nice home on a small acreage located on a road that goes nowhere...the only traffic being area farm equipment and people who live on it.

So, I'm thinking my youthful bad choices may have also been involved in this journey to being mostly content today.

Find myself wishing Cindy & I didn't have the medical issues we do...but that's a pretty common wish in our age group.

[oldE]

I am finding your stories to be both sobering and humbling.
I was born 9 months after my father's 50th birthday. Most of my siblings were starting their careers and families by the time I came along. I have one sister who is just 4 years older. She probably felt I was put on this earth to try her patience.
My parents had met at choir practice. My father had been raised by his mother, as his father had died of pneumonia when he was 9. I believe that was key to his temperament. My father was always soft spoken and self reliant. He was a small farmer, so if he needed anything, he either built it himself or purchased it used. He did after all, marry in 1930 and raise a family in the depression.
Both of my parents were active in the church, but never pushed their views on anyone. I do recall a new minister coming to my father for advice on how to connect with the small community in which we lived.
For the most part, I grew up 'free range'. A group of friends and I would jump on our bikes and range for miles on the roads or the woods trails.
I have fond memories of lying on an inner tube in the river, in under some raspberry bushes picking and eating raspberries to my heart's content.
Quite idyllic.

Best
Les

[DWBOX2000]

I wouldn’t change a thing. I still have all my friends from my youth within a 40 mile radius. Loyal to the core. We had some great times and adventures together in suburbia. Would I like to have cut out the bullying, yeah maybe. Makes for great stories 40 years later though.

[LWJ]

Great question. Same house my entire childhood. Which is a significant advantage. We did the same for our kids. Really the only thing I would change is having a father who has more emotions than just anger.

[GH85Carrera]

I really can't complain about my childhood. My 2.5 year older brother was a bully, and mom and dad did little to discourage him. Finally when I was 16 I was close in size to him, and we had a big fight at home when my parents were gone. I won the fight, and after that no more bulling form him.

Dad travled all the time for the Air Force and we moved a lot, so family vacations were very rare, We did stop at neat places while driving cross country, but those were one day things.

All in all, I had a great childhood.

[Alan A]

Filthy rich and spoiled rotten.

[Tobra]

I could not possibly have been more fortunate with my choice of parents and my upbringing. I tell people pretty much every day that I am the luckiest guy they ever met, and it is the truth.

[jcommin]

No - to me this is dumb to even reflect on this. I'm not jealous of the others because it does nothing for me. My focus is how to take care of and improve myself. Life is a journey, and nothing is perfect. It is how to overcome obstacles and life's challenges that makes you who you are. I'm ok with who I am. And the journey continues.

Having said this, if I could have a restart, I would like to not have to wear glasses. I have worn glasses from the age of 6. I also have tinnitus and hearing problems for as long as I remember. I would like live without constant ringing in my ears.