an ohio rant.....

bell · bell's Garage

this was posted by a friend on a bulletin board i frequent, having lived in ohio for my current 35 years of life i found this to be entirely true in every respect

i edited the F words, don't think i missed any

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Dear Ohio,

Are you surprised that its snowing? Have you forgotten that every year from December through February, the state we choose to live in experiences wicked cold temperatures that turns everything that would regularly be rain into something we like to call "snow?"

Apparently, even though the majority of us have lived in this state for most, if not all, our lives, every year we turn into utter panicky cavemen and cavewomen (I haven't forgotten about you, ladies - I mean, how could I? You make sure you're the worst of the worst in the snow) who act like Jack Skellington in "A Nightmare Before Christmas" when he first experiences snow in Christmas Town - "What's this? What's THIS?!"

I left extra early from home this morning, for what is my usual 30 minute commute to work - not because of the weather, but because I wanted to be at work early. Well, that was all for naught once I hit the streets, because I had to deal with fxxxxxg morons. I could understand if my commute was extended for 10 minutes, but, sweet fxxxxxg Christ - would you people PLEASE learn how to drive in the snow? What we are experiencing today, according to meteorologists is "light snow," but you would think we were in fxxxxxg "The Day After Tomorrow" with the way some of you people drive. 40 miles an hour on the highway? What? WHY?! Did they replace the asphalt with ICEphalt overnight? If this is the way you jackasses drive in "light snow," I can't WAIT to see what you have planned once we get hit with a snowSTORM!! Whoa, nelly!!

What we're experiencing now is no worse than a moderate rainfall - sure, there may be an accident here and there, but that doesn't mean you have to drive so slow that you could actually travel back in time. Last winter, it snowed for the first time in decades in Albequerque, New Mexico. The city was in chaos because people hadn't had to deal with snowfall for most of their lives. They only have 2 snowplows, and they're housed at the airport, "just in case." Now, THIS chaotic mess I can understand - they live in the fxxxxxg DESERT. But, here, in Ohio, were it snows EVERY DAMN WINTER, we act like it's a natural disaster and take ridiculous precautions to ensure that we get from point A to point B in the longest time possible, while driving every NORMAL Ohio driver closer to the brink of homocide.

Here's something to be noted - If you've been driving around in this type of weather for more than 15 minutes, and your rear window is still cobered in snow, you're a fxxxxxg idiot. There's this radical new invention, and by "new" I mean we've had it for, ohhhhhh, my entire life - you push this button on your dashboard and it defrosts your rear window. Now, some of you may say, "Anté, what do you mean by 'defrost?'" Well, by "defrost" I mean "it melts the fxxxxxg snow on your rear window, *******!" And, if by some chance you don't HAVE this miracle of science, you can go to your local gas station, convenient store, Wal-Mart, pretty much ANYWHERE, and buy a god damn snowbrush for 99 cents!!! Better yet, if you DON'T have one, ask ME for one, because I own about 10. Why? Because I live in fxxxxxg OHIO!!!

I don't drink Bud Light beer. I don't like it. I think it sucks and that people are shepherded into thinking it's good (but that's a whole other bulletin altogether.) But, I garaunfxxxxxgtee I won't EVER drink it on account of the way their drivers maneuver their trucks in the snow. Note: If you're on the highway, and you're going to drive 35 miles an hour, get in the slow lane. There's a REASON they call it the "fast lane," and its not so you can "drive" your riduculously large truck 35 miles per hour in front of people who are actually trying to get somewhere before 2008. Ass.

In conclusion, the majority of you suck. You live in a state where it snows every year. EVERY year, man! It shouldn't be a surprise. By now, you should know what it's like to drive a vehicle in cold weather. You should have enough practice. Try Nevada - the most you have to deal with out there is sandstorms (but I'm sure that would cause a whole other slew of issues with your vehicular performance - not that I would care because it would be someone else's problem.)

Bottom line: Learn to fxxxxxg drive, Ohio. Thank you.

pwd72s · 12-05-2007, 07:31 PM

Gawd...glad I don't live in Ohio...

bell · bell's Garage

it's mostly during the first couple weeks of snow....i only drive 5 minutes to work so no big deal for me

Porsche-O-Phile · Porsche-O-Phile's Garage

Ohio is one of those states we should just give back to the Indians. No loss.

dzls rok · dzls rok's Garage

what is this "snow" you speak of?

Rick Lee · Rick Lee's Garage

That OH rant is 100% true and euqally accurate for the DC area too.

dzls rok · dzls rok's Garage

most californians drive like crap in any weather!

sammyg2 · 12-05-2007, 08:22 PM

In California, the driver's IQ drops one point with every drop of rain that hits the windshield.

Luckily it almost never rains here, otherwise we'd all be as dumb as ....... naw I think i'll let it go this time

MAS956 · 12-05-2007, 09:17 PM

He lost me with nothing worse than "sandstorms" in Nevada. WTF????

WolfeMacleod · 12-06-2007, 12:06 AM

We get the same problem here in Seattle. People turn to complete idiots.

When it snowed last year, it took me two hours to make a 10 minute trip of four miles because of the number of "Oh God, Snow! Eek!" people on the road.

Personally, I love driving in the snow. Never had a problem with it. I dream of doing Autocross in the snow some day.

Won · 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WolfeMacleod

I dream of doing Autocross in the snow some day.

Come up to Vancouver. UBCSCC's Slush Series usually has one or two snow days among its 7 winder dates.

http://ubcscc.com/gallery/main.php?g2_itemId=4514

Tim Hancock · 12-06-2007, 05:01 AM

Tis true..... too many douche bags drive like pussies for the first few snowfalls, then eventually "most" start driving at speeds that while being slower than I typically drive, at least they go fast enough to keep me from going insane on the drive to work. Luckily half of my commute to work is on rural country roads where people still at least know how to drive 50-55 mph on a snow packed road.

PS, I left the 911 outside during this last snow and had a blast horsing around in it when I pulled it in last night. Incredible traction with all that weight on the rear tires

DaveE · 12-06-2007, 05:09 AM

I feel for the writer. I had the same issue with my fellow Western PA drivers yesterday. Driving south on I99 the right lane is basically clear of snow from the traffic and there's a line of traffic going 45 freaking mph, forcing me in my Boxster with 4 1/2 inches of ground clearance out in the snow lane to pass them all, or take forever to get where I need to be. Good thing I had new Blizzaks.

oldE · 12-06-2007, 05:14 AM

I could cheerfully cut and paste that rant for Nova Scotia drivers. Each year, you get the same darn thing: a combination of Maniacs and morons (who wrote: did you ever notice that everyone who drives slower than you do is a moron, while everyone who drives faster is a Maniac?) on the road during /after the first snowfall.
The best thing is to head south like friends who winter on their boat in the Bahamas. I don't remember hearing them complain about snow or drivers.

Les

David · David's Garage

Living in the South, I don't get too many chances to drive in the snow.

I got in chance in Chicago a few years ago. Holly crap they haul butt up there. On the highway there was snow between the lanes and people were driving at 80 and 90 mph! I was creeping along at 70 in the right lane just trying to stay out of the way.

On a side road I was driving everymorning, I'd try to get up front before it went to one lane. One morning a girl got the jump on me before the lanes merged. I thought great, now I'm stuck going 40 mph. Wrong! She was going 70 in a 40 with snow on both sides! My hats off to Chicago when it snows.

frogger · 12-06-2007, 05:36 AM

This guy thinks the place rocks.

http://www.amazon.com/Cleveland-Rocks-Music-Drew-Carey/dp/B0000063FW

gprsh924 · 12-06-2007, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 125shifter

Living in the South, I don't get too many chances to drive in the snow.

I got in chance in Chicago a few years ago. Holly crap they haul butt up there. On the highway there was snow between the lanes and people were driving at 80 and 90 mph! I was creeping along at 70 in the right lane just trying to stay out of the way.

On a side road I was driving everymorning, I'd try to get up front before it went to one lane. One morning a girl got the jump on me before the lanes merged. I thought great, now I'm stuck going 40 mph. Wrong! She was going 70 in a 40 with snow on both sides! My hats off to Chicago when it snows.

Isn't it fun?

Its even more fun in good weather...multiple times I have cruised at 95-100 mph in heavy, relatively bumper to bumper traffic just to keep up with the flow.

notfarnow · 12-06-2007, 05:39 AM

Even more obnoxious than the bad driving is the media overeaction.

We got snow on Monday & Tuesday... but leading up to it if you listened to the radio you'd think we were all about to die a horrible, frozen death with no power, no gas and unable to open our doors because the snow would be so high. On Monday AM, no snow had hot yet but the media was going NUTS...

It's SNOW people... we're in CANADA.

Canadians will get a kick out of this spoof:

frogger · 12-06-2007, 05:42 AM

That's hilarious, Jake!

Joeaksa · 12-06-2007, 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porsche-O-Phile

Ohio is one of those states we should just give back to the Indians. No loss.

IMHO, if we do it with Ohio, then we should do the same with California, returning it to Mexico, as if we have not already done so. It could fall off the face of the earth tomorrow and except for my friends who are silly enough to live there, would not miss it for one minute.

Would live in Ohio 1000 times before ever returning to SoCal but then thats just me!