End of life craziness

[wdfifteen]

My father passed away a few days ago and the siblings and I have been dealing with the red tape required by the government. My sister has dealt with most of it, so I wasn't aware of how insanely things are done.
Dad ran out of assets a long time ago and his expenses have been paid by medicaid. He had a modest life insurance policy, about $4000 more than funeral expenses would normally be. Since the LI is counted as an asset when he went on medicaid, Ohio insisted that at that time it either be signed over to the state, or committed to an irrevocable internment contract - the whole thing - no halvsies. So, instead of being encouraged to save money with a modest funeral and return the remainder to the state, or the home that cared for him for so long, or some other good cause, we are required to spend the entire amount on the funeral. We are required to literally bury thousands of dollars. The funeral guy said if my father had moved to Florida or Arizona, as retired people often do, the funeral home that held the contract was under no obligation to forward the money for a funeral there. They often do, but there is no requirement for it.
My mother insisted on the whole traditional event, with a viewing and preacher and sad organ music etc. I suggested a service like my sister had for her husband, but mom would have none of it. I want a service like my brother in laws and yesterday I put that in writing.
I don't want to be embalmed, with some stranger violating my body in ways I would never allow if I were alive. I don't want to lay in a casket like a made-up doll for everyone to gawk at. I want to go out like my BIL. He was cremated, with a memorial service with a wide screen TV showing a slide show of photos of him when he was healthy and happy - the way we all want to remember him. We all left his memorial feeling uplifted, not dragged down.
My wife's brother had a riot of a funeral. His father had mild dementia, was pretty deaf so he talked real loud, and couldn't walk. His son Tommy took care of him, wheeled him around in the wheelchair etc. Right in the middle of the service he said (loudly), "Tommy! I gotta take a scheit!" Tommy said in a loud whisper, "No do don't you just have to fart." "I'm tellin' you Tommy I gotta scheit!" "No you don't dammit." Pretty soon it was obvious from the aroma that Tommy was wrong. Just before they closed the casket they wheeled the old guy up there and he starting crying, "There's my oldest boy layin' there. Never thought I'd ..... HEY! That's my watch! You ain't buryin' him with my watch. I give it to him for Christmas, paid $200 for it and I want it back!"
What a circus.

[azasadny]

Yep, we went through this particular form of hell several years ago when my grandfather died. He lived with us for the last few months and my wife took care of hm, cooked all of his meals, drove him to the Dr's, etc... for 5 years. When he died, his son, who had not seen his father in years, came and wanted everything... not that there was anything... We gave the son the small amount of $ in the estate and the son didn't want a memorial service, but we insisted. Over 100 people came to the memorial service and we were glad that we had one as many people loved my grandfather and they wanted "closure"... Rough times, for sure!

[DonDavis]

That's a tough situation. I'm guessing you already know what I'm going to say but here goes. Let Mom do what she wants, nay, NEEDS. Funerals are for the living. She knew Dad a lot longer and differently than you. That's not to say you don't have the right to offer input or make requests. Just keep it in perspective. You're a cool guy and that reflects upon how your Pop raised you.

And in my most humble opinion, my body is a vessel with which I'm through using upon my passing. Don't get too wrapped up in the process. Pray for peace, understanding and family. All we can do is prepare for our own passing and specify how we'd like things to go.

My Mom passed last May and I found it interesting that her small life insurance policy was nearly exactly the same amount as the funeral home's fees. And during the services, we had some of her favorite Elvis music ( the slower songs ) playing softly. One of the song's recording level was a bit higher than the others. My sister got really upset and felt it was disrespectful. That was just the pain of the loss speaking. Nobody else noticed or thought otherwise. I did what I could to calm her and things smoothed out.

Another thing, my sisters wanted to have a LOT of flowers, arrangements and displays. I disagreed, completely. But I held my tongue and let them mourn their way. At the florist, they kept encouraging me to get bigger and bigger arrangements. I had long ago decided what I wanted and stuck to it. It was simple, personal and beautiful. My kids loved what I picked. That was my way of saying farewell and nothing was going to deter me from that.

I hope things go well.

[cstreit]

I wonder if you could have the funeral home make a charitable donation on his behalf rather than just overspending.... Seems silly, sorry you have to deal with this.

[Baz]

The only way to go......

[74-911]

Originally Posted by DonDavis

Let Mom do what she wants, nay, NEEDS. Funerals are for the living. She knew Dad a lot longer and differently than you. That's not to say you don't have the right to offer input or make requests. Just keep it in perspective.

Having been there, I have to agree with Don. It's your mother's way of saying goodbye.

[Mark Henry]

Everyone in my family is on the same page, cheapest cremation possible and then a family get together. The money is better left to the living family, than stuck in the ground and lining some strangers pockets.

Here a simple pre-paid cremation with paperwork, etc. is about >$2500

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by DonDavis

That's a tough situation. I'm guessing you already know what I'm going to say but here goes. Let Mom do what she wants, nay, NEEDS. Funerals are for the living.

Oh yes. I'm just observing and facilitating her wishes. I guess I vented about them here because I wouldn't dare say anything to her.

[Racerbvd]

Patrick, sorry for your loss, I'm helping a friend with all the same stuff and the funeral director is correct on the insurance here in FL, give them the paper work and they will sort it out, course I had my insurance guy go through the paperwork before turning it over to the funeral home, cause someone who knows what they are looking at needed to go over it. I too will start a thread to remind people here to HAVE THEIR AFFAIRS IN ORDER well before..