we lost our daughter (to be) this weekend

[T77911S]

we have been fostering a brother and sister for over a year now. the boy is 12 and the girl is almost 2, both, well all 4 of her kids, are from differnet dads.
the mothers rights were terminated for the the boy on friday but things went south for the girl.
a little background:
when the girls sperm doner left the mother, he supposedly beat her up (i saw the pics) and raped her. he knocked her up and never new it since he left the state.
well the mother told DDS he was the father back in august. so of course he wants her. also, we were told there was charges or a restraining order against him with the kids (she has an older daughter too) testimony about what happended, but under the so called "hom study" it was not found, which would have kept him from getting her.
we new there was a good chance he was going to get her, but EVERYONE was blind sided that the ruling on friday was he was to get her that day. my wife BEGGED him and his wife to give up another day for the boy (i think as much or more for my wife), which they did. the judged ruled that way because they live out of state (2 hours) and he does not have a drivers liscience, due to 2 DUI's that were pleaded down to lesser charges. the DUI's would have kept him from getting her too.
they came by friday night to visit and they came saturday to get her.
this has totally destroyed my wife and the boy.

the real kicker to the story is the boys mother (lisa) promised him she would try to keep him and his sister together. when it came down to court time, she told the judge she wanted her(the 2 yr old) to go to the "sperm doner" instead of staying with us and her brother. the reason for this was so she would not loose total rights to her daughter, which does her absolutley no good. she thinks the dad is going to let her see her daughter, which i can see will never happen, especially since the mom is rat bat crrazy. so one last chance to do something good for her last 2 kids and she blows it because she was only thinking of herself. this BTW has had as much effect on the boy, once again his mother has lied, as losing his sister.

we new there was a good chancce we would lose her since we have not heard that anything has been found on the dad. also, even if lisa had told the courts she wanted the girl to stay with us, we still may not have gotten her. we also know that if lisa had not told DDS about the dad, if he found out that he had a daughter several years down the road, we could lose her then, which would be even worse for the girl. we also feel that a thorough home study was not done since the records were not found and also that things happened so fast. no time for the brother to deal with this or for us to deal with it. and again, lisa betraying her kids.
this is not the first kid we have lost that we were close to adopting, which has made this even harder on my wife.

the real losers in this are the kids. we are really worried about the "enviroment" the girl will grow up in.

we will adopt the boy. his dad has a record and the grandparents dont want his son. (cant remember if they have a record too).
he is a good kid. unfortunately has some of his mothers bad influences that we have to work on. mainly responsibility for his actions (nothing is ever their fault) and school. he has missed a lot of school and is behind and does not see the need for it.

[MotoSook]

Sorry to hear this. Reason and common sense doesn't always win in our legal system. Like you said the real losers are the children. With the loss of his sister the boy may be just that much tougher to keep straight. I wish you and your wife all the best.

Four years ago we became guardians of a niece and nephew. My wife took it hard when we encountered problems in the process. I can't imagine how difficult it is for your wife. Please let her know there are people ..strangers..out there thinking of her.

[stomachmonkey]

Sorry for your troubles.

[oldE]

Originally Posted by T77911S

unfortunately has some of his mothers bad influences that we have to work on. mainly responsibility for his actions (nothing is ever their fault) and school. he has missed a lot of school and is behind and does not see the need for it.

BTDT

Our daughter is adopted. She exhibits signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The disconnect between actions and responsibility are classic.
My wife is an elementary school teacher and is very familiar with the behaviors. She helped us both through the last 20 years.

Small steps will be crucial to make any progress. Most kids will respond well to rewards, even small ones. Don't expect him to be goal oriented in any major way, but you will probably find he has some very focused interests. You can use those to help him along.

All the best
Les

[Instrument 41]

First off, you and your wife are to be congratulated. Taking on children to simply care for them, knowing that one day, after you have invested, cared and loved them that they can be taken away is tough. It shows that you two a not self seeking individuals. We need more of that today in our self centered society. The razors edge is having hope that this situation may turn around vs the present reality. What yall have done is what a really rich life is all about.

[wdfifteen]

This is awful. You are a great guy trying to do the right thing. Maybe the guy is thinking his welfare check will get a lot bigger with another mouth to feed. When he finds out it doesn't get enough bigger to cover the cost of the girl he might start looking for someone to take her.

[bivenator]

You and your wife are truly special people. My head hurts thinking of all the ways this has gone wrong for those children. The courts are strange WRT to parental rights, even when the parents should have no rights.
Very sorry to hear of this.

[Head416]

Wow, your story is almost exactly the same as some good friends of mine. They adopted the older brother, and the younger brother was with them for almost a year. I guess there was some paperwork that should have been filed at the time of the older boy's adoption that would have made the brother a slam dunk, but something got messed up. All of a sudden one day the judge said hand him over, we'll send a social worker to pick him up tomorrow.

I have no idea how this feels for you, but I watched my friends go through the same thing. All I can say is they loved him then and they still love him now two years later. They keep his pictures up and their son knows he has a brother. Sooner or later, they figure they may cross paths again. And their prayer is that, if God forbid his home life is bad, he will be taken away and brought home to them.

[vash]

man. what a mess!

keep your feet moving. i hope this all plays out right for the kids.

[crustychief]

Sorry to hear that. I had a very similar occurrence with my nieces. It really chaps my hide knowing that the "system" favors a horrible parent as opposed to a loving adoptive parent. Once again I am sorry to hear of your loss.
Regards,
Sandy

[pwd72s]

Just a damned sad story...

[Zeke]

That sucks. Did the girl being only 2 have a lot to do with this? Man, it would be tough to see someone take a child out the door.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by bivenator

You and your wife are truly special people...

Humbling, really.

If there is any solace in well wishes and hope, I think you've got all you need.

All the best.

[85eurocarrera]

Originally Posted by soukus

sorry to hear this ... I can't imagine how difficult it is for your wife. Please let her know there are people ..strangers..out there thinking of her.

+1

[dondarnell]

Originally Posted by Instrument 41

First off, you and your wife are to be congratulated. Taking on children to simply care for them, knowing that one day, after you have invested, cared and loved them that they can be taken away is tough. It shows that you two a not self seeking individuals. We need more of that today in our self centered society. The razors edge is having hope that this situation may turn around vs the present reality. What yall have done is what a really rich life is all about.

Roger that.

[T77911S]

Originally Posted by oldE

BTDT

Our daughter is adopted. She exhibits signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The disconnect between actions and responsibility are classic.
My wife is an elementary school teacher and is very familiar with the behaviors. She helped us both through the last 20 years.

Small steps will be crucial to make any progress. Most kids will respond well to rewards, even small ones. Don't expect him to be goal oriented in any major way, but you will probably find he has some very focused interests. You can use those to help him along.

All the best
Les

first, thanks to all of you. i can deal with this much better than my wife. she wants another girl so bad, and for a year, it was looking like we were going to get her. i dont get as attached as she does because i know they are not ours and they can leave at any time.
its hard on the boy because right now little things set my wife off crying, then he starts in, bit thats how my wife has to eal with it.

we have him in counseling once a week now, so maybe that will help.

he is more upset with his mother than i realized. she has really been bugging us/him. she has been posting on his facebook and he does not want to talk to her right now, in fact, he got on there last night and deleted her comments.


to les.
your second comment (samll rewards and goal oriented) really helped. maybe i have been expecting too much out of him, but i feel that we have such a short time to get him pointed in the right direction. i think this thing with his mom may be a plus in the long run. he is starting to see how she really is and what we are trying to get out of him. (he thinks just like his mom).
he is SOOO focused on video games that sometimes it drives me nuts, that thats all he wants to do.
he is a good kid. we spent some time with him before we let him come live with us, other wise, we would have let him stay in the foster home he was originally in.

the mom did do some perscription drugs while pregnant with the girl. despite that, she was VERY smart. she was well ahead for age. its a shame, we just dont think her new family will help her to prosper(for lack of a better word).

i think i am going to talk with the boy(aaron) tonight about his mother and what she did.

thanks again.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Humbling, really.

If there is any solace in well wishes and hope, I think you've got all you need.

All the best.

^^^ this