Destruction or Construction…Parenting Styles

[Rickysa]

Main issue is to determine the cause of the poor grade...

Lazy or needing extra instruction.

I've got a HS sophmore...he skated through middle school and last year w/o studying and getting 98s-100s in every class. He didn't study at all. This year was an awakening for him: gobs of homework and harder classes. He was lazy at first and struggled w/ a class because he wasn't used to working. That got him a chat w/ me about work ethic...improve it or it all gets taken away.

My daughter is 10 and extremely head-strong. She went through a spell not very long ago where she was giving her mom a fit and trying to butt heads with me. I quietly informed here that she treat her mother with respect and not to get loud with me, or I would empty her closets and take a trip to Wal-Mart for a few white tee-shirts, no-name jeans, and Keds.

No yelling etc., just a simple explanation of what is expected of them.

I really like the work of John Rosemond...his basic idea is to treat kids today the way your grandparents raised your parents.

...and emphasize the 3 Rs: Respect, Resourcefulness, and Responsibility, cause they sure as hell are getting that message from anybody else in today's society.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by M.D. Holloway

Point. I'm not involved in his assignments. Thats his gig. What I am doing is merely acting as a paasive recip of information he is to share. Basically the way I have set it up is for him to 'teach' me what he learned today. We discuss the concepts and engage like two interested parties. Consider it a 2 person study group with him as the leader.

While he responded well to aggresive coaching when he played sports, school is a bit different prolly cuz he suffers from some pretty severe dyslexia. While he doesn't use it as an excuse, it is an explanation.

If he was caught smoking dope, stealing, setting fire to something I would come down on him like a hammer. He's not built like that. Scott has met him. He's a decent lad. I really think that he needs to be taught how to study and what works best for him.

Maybe its something he should figuer out on his own but I think if my folks took some time to teach me some good skills well who knows?

That sounds like a pretty solid idea right there; I like it.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by Rickysa

Main issue is to determine the cause of the poor grade...

Lazy or needing extra instruction.

I've got a HS sophmore...he skated through middle school and last year w/o studying and getting 98s-100s in every class. He didn't study at all. This year was an awakening for him: gobs of homework and harder classes. He was lazy at first and struggled w/ a class because he wasn't used to working. That got him a chat w/ me about work ethic...improve it or it all gets taken away.

My daughter is 10 and extremely head-strong. She went through a spell not very long ago where she was giving her mom a fit and trying to butt heads with me. I quietly informed here that she treat her mother with respect and not to get loud with me, or I would empty her closets and take a trip to Wal-Mart for a few white tee-shirts, no-name jeans, and Keds.

No yelling etc., just a simple explanation of what is expected of them.

I really like the work of John Rosemond...his basic idea is to treat kids today the way your grandparents raised your parents.

...and emphasize the 3 Rs: Respect, Resourcefulness, and Responsibility, cause they sure as hell are getting that message from anybody else in today's society.

I dunno about this...my grandparents kicked the **** out of my parents, as my parents did to me. Try that today, and you're going to jail (plus, it doesn't work in my opinion--at least it didn't on me).

[Rickysa]

ga, I agree with you on the getting physical (although a swift swat to get the attention of a youngster is not in that same ballpark, imho)

It's more of a "here is what you are supposed to do, if you don't there will be consequences...ie going to bed an hour early for a week for youngsters, and upping the ante as they get older)

The "like your grandparents did" meme, is more of "I demand your respect" rather than "I'm my child's best friend". The love is of course still there and demonstrated openly, it's just more of a difference in the nature of the relationship.

[scottmandue]

Why stop at how our grandparents raised kids? Lets go back to the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandparents...

Stone the children!

[M.D. Holloway]

watch animals and only in certain rare cases does the momma actually nip at the young'ns. Its all about mimicking.

We grew up immitating how certain baseball players batted or pitched. Some of us immitated different musicians even. Great way to learn.

I've noticed that when I am at my desk writing, my kiddos are at theirs working as well. Guess I should work more!

[mepstein]

We never did much in the way of punishments with our kids. Mostly lots of time, encouragement and rewards for good behavior. They are teenagers so there's still more to go but we are enjoying the journey.

[epbrown]

Originally Posted by livi

IMO children's and adolescents motivation rarely breeds from punishment.

I dunno. In my opinion, the issue is that people rarely associate the punishment with their actions, so the impression is "you're a jerk" rather than "I screwed up." I see that even with adults, and I recall a study that said over half the time someone's fired, they've got no idea why. Usually it was an ongoing problem but from their perspective they boss blew up over once incident.

Which is a long way of saying that you have to be as clear about your expectations as you are about your punishment, and both parties have to agree the expectations are reasonable and achievable. Saying "I want As" means nothing if they don't have the tools and support to get As, and being bright doesn't mean good study habits.

One thing I remember about growing up is that, while we were punished, it never seemed arbitrary, or like they were pissed. We talked thru how whatever it was happened, what actions I took or didn't take that lead to where we were.

I think the OP is on the right track.