I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. My mother passed away in 2012 age 94. Somebody said at her funeral that she had died ten years ago. She did have bouts of anger and some strange behavior in her last few years. She was so paranoid about somebody stealing her silver cutlery from her room in her group home. So before we went downtown I put it all in my backpack and I ended up walking around the city with her and carrying about what felt like 20 lbs of silverware!

Like yourself I did have a good relationship with my mother until she broke her hip and then she died a year later. Who knows what we will be like when we are that age assuming we reach the 90's?

My fil who is in a care home has just turned 98. He has been a good provider however my wife says that he attempted to sexually molest her and kill her when she was younger. His children are still afraid of him. He now needs help going to and from the bathroom. He still plays favorites and my wife and I are in the city most of the time. Her one brother my age has terminal cancer and the other two are between the US and here. I am the only male spouse that he has not taken a swing at! The fight is gone out of him now but he is still demanding. I really just want him to pass on so his children can have some peace.

Yep Flatbutt I am sorry to hear about your mother. It is painful to witness especially when you care for her so much. My thoughts are with you.
Guy

My dad passed away on Jan 6th at the age of 88. I first noticed his dementia beginning in his early 70's. He had a knee replaced and it was like he never recovered from the anesthesia. He would come and go but you could carry a conversation with him in the beginning. Then he would get quiet when he didn't understand what you were talking about or didn't like what was being said. He drove until he was 74. A police officer showed up at the door one day and said dad was at a grocery store and hit a shopping cart and drove it into a woman's door. The woman said it looked like he had no idea he had hit the shopping cart and drove off. Mom took his car keys away after that.

My mom looked after him, but he continued to devolve. At lunch one day he hid his medications under his place mat. Mom gave him **** for hiding the meds. He said "Why do I have to take them?" (the why stage in two year olds) She explained the Dr. said he had to take them. He then asked who she was to make him take the Meds? Mom told him she was his wife and he had to take his meds. He looked at her and said "I've never been married!" They had been married 52 years at this point. He had no idea.

Mom looked after him till her cancer came back and she passed quickly. Dad had to have 24 hr care at that point as he wandered off and we were worried he might come to harm. In retrospect it might have been better if something had happened to him because there was another 12 years of degradation to the point were he was unresponsive, didn't initiate and was totally unaware of his surroundings. Eventually the disease progressed to effect his brain stem then he ceased to function.

My dad had it for about 15-16 years. His brother had it but didn't last as long and I found out a couple years ago their father (my grandfather who I never met) had it and died in his 40's from it.

Every time I forget where something is it scares the **** out of me and I wonder when it will be my turn.

Sorry to hear this about your mother.

I made a brief entry here back a few posts. As mentioned my mother has been in this state for almost ten years. She initially fell and broke her pelvis and then off to recovery and then because of the physical trauma seemed to also transition emotionally and really went downhill fast with dementia. It was a blessing to some extent because she refused to go to a care facility and this gave the path for that transition. She was at a point where she could no longer live alone, falling, leaving the stove on and wandering out of the house looking for my father who had been dead for ten years. It was all very sad and very stressful so a nursing facility was the only solution. I, nor my sister, ever expected this to go on for 10 year but it has. My mother is on seroquel to keep her calm. She has some bad days but most are good. She remembers nothing but can still read everything one puts in front of her. She can not converse and her hearing has failed. If she does not get her seroquel things can get very problematic. She will get very nasty, swear and pull hair and slap so she might need to be segregated from the other residents. I see her monthly since I live three hours away and my sister sees her much more frequently. It's exhausting to visit but I know it is necessary for both myself and my mother.

I actually pray that it ends because my mother would not want to live this way but yet when it ends I know I will be very upset and saddened by her passing. There is no getting out of this world alive and at 101 I think her passing should be more of a celebration of life than a mourning. I have many friends that have gone through the same experience but no one for ten years. I would love to know what she is thinking but that will never be the case. I also wish she could enjoy her great grandchildren but that will never be the case as well. All very sad. We have put all appropriate practices in place to not prolong her life and yet she soldiers on, eating three squares a day and not getting any bad colds or broken bones. In some ways I hope I have some of her good genes but I also know I wouldn't want to be at her point and depend on others to care for me. And so life goes on................

Sorry to hear about your Mom, Flatbutt.
Hang in there the best you can.
Prayers sent your way.

Same thing happening to my 85 year old mother. Had to move her into a nursing home last August. She has no idea who I am. It hurts to even think about how long she will have to live there. It helps to see posts from others who are living through this hell.

Sorry to hear that man but like so many others here I know what you're going through. I experienced the same thing with my grandmother. Seeing her transition from the person with the strongest will I've ever seen to a frail, husk of a human was very difficult for me. She had taken care if me when I was young so I did everything I could to take care of her when she needed it . Although near her end she didn't know who I was I think she knew I was someone special to her. I could tell because she was comfortable around me while she really wasn't near most other people.

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me for my contact info.

Take care,
Michael

Thanks so much. Not that I wish this on anyone else but it helps to hear from you all.

Dad passed away last year after the same struggle.

They say Pneumonia is 'the old persons friend'.

Talking about it with others is a huge first step.
Look for local Alzheimer's/dementia support groups. For yourself and her.
"Physician heal thyself."

-Ignore the ups-n-downs and confusion.
-Bring memorabilia, soft sweet treats, bright gifts, and always remain in the positive zone.
-Try to fix whatever problems she might discuss(other residents/etc).
-Make sure she gets attention, and doesn't get bed sores (inflatable rolling bed).
-Give her dignity above all else.

Your mother may not know you're there, but God does.
I fear this situation with my mother, soon.

Carter

My Dad recently turned 81 and he is rapidly losing his awareness and self sufficiency. He has lived with type 2 diabetes for over 15 years and now dementia is making serious in roads. My Mom who is 79 had some real health issues years ago that I thought she would not survive. Now she has rebounded and is doing her best with my Dad. They still live in their old home in Santa Barbara but IMO they need additional help. I am an only child and live ~ 4 hours away. I have setup a PT elderly in-home care service which they initially thought would be great but have since refused.

It is very hard to manage this from a distance. My parents are very stubborn and proud people. They are/were a great inspiration to me and to see them go down this road is very hard.

Thanks everyone for posting here. In some way your posts give me strength to face this situation knowing it is not unique.

This worked for us too.
Mother in law going on 7 years with Alzheimer's.
The music did not trigger memories but it does provide us a conversation of sorts.

I enjoy singing a familiar song with her and she just joins in.
It was refreshing to see her knowing the next word or notes with perfect timing.

I think it makes her and I both feel better as our conversation is now sharing a familier song.
At anytime I can sing a few bars of a Sinatra song and she chimes right in.

She thinks I'm her neighbor and and no long realizes I'm her son in law.