My best wishes to you and your family as you help your mom pass peacefully. It may not seem like it, but you're going a great job. A lot of people spend their final hours without the care of family or others nearby...

It is a difficult and terrible situation.

We watched our Papa Bear slowly decline over 5 years.

Little Sis is our soft hearted one and she had a hard time accepting that it was time to let him go. She finally realized that he hdd no life and relented to the doctors recommendation. We pulled him off all meds other than those for his confort and he passded within a month.

AlZ and dementia are the worst of the worst.

Good luck and many prayers your way.

She is talking to the Ferry Man (guide) to take her over the river Styx. She is shutting down, and it is just a matter of when she decides to let go. The Ferry Man is very patient. Talk to her and tell her you love her, thank her for what she has done for you and tell her to do what she has to do, that it is all right.

My friend, who is a Porsche mechanic, has a similar story.

I met my friend before I could drive. I rode my bike to his house, and hung out while he fixed Porsches in his garage after work. He is a factory trained Porsche mechanic. When I got my driver's license, of course I took my cars to him for repairs. He taught me a lot, and was most of the reason that I thought Porsches were fun and not a burden.

I grew up with his kids. They are my age. His wife used to send me home with her home-made pasta sauce. They would go out dancing, and were active members of their social club. Well, the wife was diagnozed with dementia. She would go wandering off by herself in the neighborhood. She would fight her own husband, and would leave the stove or oven on. He had to put her in a home. It was stressing him out. I went with him one day to go visit his wife. He fed her, and we prayed together. Somehow, she remembered me.

One day, while at a group talk about loved ones with mental decline issues, my friend met a lady who was teaching classes on how to cope. Her husband passed away. They became friends, and then close friends. I have taken them both out for sushi a few times. I believe in my heart that this friendship has saved my friend's life. He was not going to last much longer, and saw very little to live for until he met her.

The take away is that while your loved ones are still your family, and you still must find a way to do your duty, you should not forget that life must be lived. It was simply the most sane thing that I saw anyone do. I know that this causes feelings of guilt, but honestly your life is a very precious thing, and you should not waste it.

Very similar to my experiences with my Mom and Dad. Dad went first and Mom had severe dementia.
I finally had to tell my Mom that it was OK to go and be with Dad and that we would be OK. She passed that night.
So hard to do but it was like she needed to be told.

Stay strong.

I'm sure hospice has told you this but the above is very true. Been through it 3 times. All the symptoms of not eating, not talking to people is your mom's way of coping with the guilt of leaving you. Talking to her and telling her she will always be remembered, you love her, you want her to be happy and it is O.K. for her to leave, is the best thing you can do. Even if she doesn't acknowledge what you say, her spirit understands.

damn...

FB...much respect to you for doing so much for your Mom.

And for sharing with us.

Many baby boomers here who can relate.

Peace and Godspeed to you and Mom.....

Very sorry to see how this has dragged on a few years now......My mother went thru the same and passed about 7 months ago.

If it's any comfort, Hospice is near the very end....My mother only lasted 8 days in the program....Best of luck sir....

Cindy's mom died of dementia. Without going into details, she became very spiteful and mean to all around her. Be happy it's not that.

It's hard to say "feel no guilt", but you really shouldn't...

"She has been refusing food and is currently hospitalized for dehydration. How that happened in a nursing home is a bit of a wonder."

Seeing as how my 97 year old father is currently in the care of the "Catholic run Gold Standard of Assisted Living to Hospice Care that is tied to the largest Catholic run Hospital in the entire State of Mississippi" I can tell you exactly how that happened. Dementia patients tend to forget to drink water. The only way to tell if they are becoming dehydrated is to have Doctors orders for the facility to record their "dry weight" first thing in the morning every day before breakfast. Since water is some 8 pounds per gallon, that is what is being monitored. Now actually getting the facility to do it, or they aren't doing it because "the scales are broken and we are waiting on the maintenance person to fix the cable between the scales and the computer (HA!) is a whole nother matter.
In my Dads case, he recently wound up with chronic diarrhea. Again, he's 97. I told the Nurse Practitioner that this had happened about 5 years ago, and the G.I. outfit told us to give him Pepto-Bismol after every loose stool, gas X if he needs it, and start a routine of daily probiotics until they could get him in for a colonoscopy. That routine worked like a champ. The Nurse Practitioner fought back and insisted you don't give the elderly pepto bismol because it might cause a bleeding ulcer in the stomach. I told her so I guess we are going to let the man die on the toilet because he might get a bleeding ulcer in his stomach? It got to the point after 2 weeks of the diarrhea culminating in 14 loose stools in the span of almost 6 hours one evening. I went home very mentally troubled over all this, tossed and turned, jumped out of bed at 2 a.m. the next morning and drove myself to the emergency room of the "largest Catholic Hospital in the State of Mississippi" that is tied to the place where he was a patient, er, "customer". I showed the nurse in the E.R. the recently paid 8k monthly tab and ran my Dads situation past him. He (the nurse) said "IF he were my Dad, he'd be down here". Next day I told the facility to get him an ambulance, that he is leaving the "limited lifetime warranty department" and returning to the "mother ship". With some push back and me telling them they could call the Pope himself if they need Doctors orders to ship him out, he went in to the hospital for 3 days and 4 liters of fluid. Back to the "limited lifetime warranty department" he went after that.
3 months go by and we get the bill for the 3 days. More than $11,000, and his insurance company---the Feds----paid all but $126 of it. They wanted the family to cover the $126. So that's some damn nerve. The Catholic 501c3 Not for Profit Hospital connected to the retirement home got a $11,000 pay day atop the 8k per month....for not doing their job.

Sorry for the long story Brother, my heart goes out to you. You are a good son that can go on with a clear conscience that you did everything you could from here on out.

And to you...

My thoughts are with you. This is a tough time to go through. Just know you have been a good son to her. Be there for her in this difficult time.

I hope you find peace with this. Keep in mind death is one of the natural progressions of life. Painful as it is, all is as it should be. All is as it must be.

You are a good man. I am very sorry to hear of your situation.

Thoughts and prayers are with you FB.
I'm also going through this with my mom (93).
We are very fortunate that dad left enough behind in investments so we can have 24/7 caregivers.
Getting them caregivers was WWIII, when dad was still around they would cover for each other (we would notice bumps and bruises but when questioned they would blow it off as "oh, it is nothing.") plus several trips to the ER because they insisted on administrating their own meds (now done by the caregiver)
I see mom at church Sundays (she goes to late service and I to early so I hang around for 30 minutes just to help her get into her pew) and try to drop by once a week for a visit... but just as you describe it is just the same circle of questions "how are your kitties?", "how many cats do you have?", "what are you doing later today?", and repeat.
We had a long standing tradition of doing lunch once a week and I knew when she got too weak to do that things were getting bad... but she still makes it to church and the hairdresser so she is not done yet.
Not sure why I am posting this... I guess because many of us here are baby boomers and in the same situation.

This.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to let go.

Really tough road. I wish I had something wise to offer but I don't other than to say, so what you think is decent, but remember you have to take care of yourself too.

I went through this with my grandma a few years ago (mom died from cancer and I was grandmas POA and decision maker). What we did in the end was we would take her out of the home on little trips (I wish we thought of this a few years earlier).

We would either load her in a wheelchair and push her over to the mall (West Edmonton Mall which used to be the worlds largest mall was a block away) or call a cab setup for wheelchairs and go out for a drive around town. These little outings really picked her up and were better than the circular discussion about the weather and how the family was.

Grandma made it to 100 and visits in the last 5 years were tough before we started taking her out. I wish we thought of this sooner.

I didnt read through the whole thread before posting the above.

We had a close call with grandma about 6 months before her 100th. The nurses, everyone thought it was the end. She quit eating, etc. I made arrangements with the funeral home thinking things were imminent.

We were visiting her and suddenly asked for a glass of juice, I got her one (nobody thought she would drink it). She did and then asked for another. We got her a few of those ensure drinks and this is where she turned the corner. After a few days she was back to 'normal'. It was after this that we got the idea to take here on little outings. She lasted another 9 months.

Best of luck with your mom, this is a tough row to hoe.

RIP Mama Flatbutt
 

RIP Mama Flatbutt 1923-2017

My mother Catherine passed away August 21 after a long slide to the end. Three sons, 7 grandchildren, 12 great-grand children, nieces and nephews all gathered to mark her passing. Sadly there were no friends as she had outlived them all.

She had a very good life even though intense memories of a depression era childhood haunted her. She dealt with the stress of her fiance’ fighting in France and the Pacific theatre with what I’ve been told was tremendous grace.

She had a taste for simple things, especially in food and clothing. Simple things were “good enough” for her and her sons were taught the same lesson. Even though she never completed her education which ended in grammar school she was nobodys fool. I frequently accompanied her to do her shopping and watched her deal with people as astutely as any could wish to.

I was well known to the nursing home staff as I spent a lot of time at her bedside even though she was unresponsive for weeks before her passing. I got a call when Mom appeared to be slipping away and got to her side within hours. When I got there I knew it was time and I made the calls. Moms chaplain arrived in no time at all but my family is spread out so I was alone save for the Chaplain.

Her brain fought off the end for hours as I watched her strain for every breath. Then finally peace came.

I was glad to be with her at the end and hope some piece of her knew she wasn’t alone.
She fervently believed in Life Everlasting and I truly hope that she is now reunited with her soldier.

Rest in Peace Ma’ you certainly earned it.


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