It's my Mom

[flatbutt]

I just must get this off of my chest. There are those of you who have been or are in this situation so I know you'll understand. Dad passed away 12 years ago and Mom has been in decline ever since. Three years ago my brothers and I had to place Mom into assisted living. We just cannot provide all of the support she needs. I used to visit several times a week but this year I cut down to just Sundays because frankly the visits are tearing me up inside.

She used to enjoy my visits and she'd be happy. But as her lucidity faded so did the happy visit. It isn't Alzheimers but rather severe dementia. She cant retain much in terms of memory. So our visit is a repeating loop of "how are you?" and "what have you been doing?".

But now it's "where do I live?" "why did you put me here?" "where is my husband?". It's killing me. Today I had lunch with her and when we finished and I told her it was time for me to go she thought she was coming with me. I could see her sadness growing but there was nothing I could do. I called the aide to help me. She distracted Mom while I slipped out knowing she'd forget I had been there.

Man the guilt is torture. My brothers are too far away to help and I live alone so it's all on me. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't expect that there is an answer other than this is what is best for her. I just needed to get this out.

Thanks for listening.

[RANDY P]

This is just the downward descent into Alzheimer's. Soon, she won't even remember that much. She'll adjust. Just put her in a good place that takes care of them.

-when you leave, typically it's out of sight, out of mind with them.

Sucks, but that's how it works.

rjp

[stealthn]

Sorry to hear, I fully understand as I am helping my father cope now, he insists on still living alone at home, so we got him lots of support. He still has his wits but short term memory is gone, his vision is almost gone and we had to take away his DL this year and I sold his car for him. His hearing is shot too.

All I can say is patience, love and respect as our loved ones enter their twilight - God Bless

[RANDY P]

PS remember, this is the safest place you can put her. Unless you have access to 24/7 home care this is the next best bet.

Having an Alzheimer's patient at home isn't easy. Even a trip to the grocery store is a problem. You don't want her going outside getting lost, they forget they showered so they shower several times an hour- or not at all, things like that.

It's just a phase in the whole deal..

rjp

[wayner]

That sounds rough. I feel for you.

A friend had a similar situation. His mom often wanted to go home so they would walk her down the hall, get on the elevator with her, go for a ride and return back to her floor so they could bring her home. It worked every time.

I don't know if something like this will work for you.

[flatbutt]

Thanks guys. As you know guilt doesn't respond well to logic. I owe my parents alot and it just doesn't feel right. But its all I can do.

[wswartzwel]

Hang in there Tom… You know you love her and are taking care of her the best you can, so ditch the guilt. Yes she is having a hard time, Aging sucks… I had to deal with watching my dad who had always been my hero, lose it in much the same way. It is painful. You will be in my thoughts buddy.

Thanks for sharing what you are going through with us. Feel free to call me if you need to talk.

[MRM]

I can offer you some words of comfort. She is not aware of her surroundings and is for all intents and purposes unconscious. She does not feel pain or discomfort. Her mind stopped working, and with it went the ability to perceive.

A friend of mine's father went into dementia. He was a former federal judge, huge man in the history of the state, but he went into dementia. He was bad for about a year or so until they inserted a shunt or did some sort of temporary wizardry that reversed the dementia. True story. He woke up fully alert like the light switch flipped back on. His family was ecstatic and kept crying, Dad, you're back. He was highly annoyed because he didn't remember anything when he was in dementia. As far as he remembered he was just fine, he went to sleep for a year and a half and woke up. As far as he was concerned nothing ever happened.

This is what dementia patients experience. They appear to be in distress but they are not because they are no longer able to perceive distress. Their brains just don't function like that any more.

So my words of comfort are that she is not suffering, even though she looks upset or confused. She isn't suffering any more.

[DanielDudley]

And this is why I eat bacon.

It is tough getting old. And it is tough watching it.
But if it wasn't, nobody would ever want to leave, and nobody would want to say good bye.
We just have to be there for our loved ones the best that we can, and know that we would do more if we could.

You are a good son. We all see it, so hang in there, and maybe you will get a few bright spots to hang onto. I like to tell stories about the past. It helps me to remember the good days, and gives me something to hang onto.

[quicksix]

Many years ago, I worked as an aide in an Alzheimer's unit. Our goal was to enrich the patients lives through activities, trying to keep as much cognitive abilities as possible. I found that the families were the ones that needed help, dealing with the person who replaced Mom.
A facility can keep them safe, dryand fed. As tough as that sounds, it's the truth.
Find a support group, talk to someone who is dealing with the same thing you are, you are not alone, the feelings you are having are normal. Take care of you, you have done the best you can do for your Mom.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

So sorry to hear. If there's an upside it's that dementia patients eventually get what my friend (who is a hospice nurse and sees this a lot) calls "silly happy". The dementia patients get kind of like babies who are giggly and fascinated with grass, shadows, their toes, whatever. It's kind of fun to watch sometimes I guess as weird as that sounds. Obviously different people ultimately get affected different ways but at least in that stage / state they're not unhappy, just blissfully ignorant of much else.

Still, it's very hard on the families especially knowing what usually comes later (inability to speak / walk / function followed by bed riddance and ultimately death).

I'm sorry for you but my point is that eventually your mom will find a "happy place" even if it means you've lost her. Dementia sucks. I can deal with something killing one's body but one's mind? One's memories and experiences and their entire life - everything important to them systematically snipped away? That's pretty crummy (from an outsider / family member perspective - not necessarily that of the person going through it).

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by flatbutt

I just must get this off of my chest. There are those of you who have been or are in this situation so I know you'll understand. Dad passed away 12 years ago and Mom has been in decline ever since. Three years ago my brothers and I had to place Mom into assisted living. We just cannot provide all of the support she needs. I used to visit several times a week but this year I cut down to just Sundays because frankly the visits are tearing me up inside.

She used to enjoy my visits and she'd be happy. But as her lucidity faded so did the happy visit. It isn't Alzheimers but rather severe dementia. She cant retain much in terms of memory. So our visit is a repeating loop of "how are you?" and "what have you been doing?".

But now it's "where do I live?" "why did you put me here?" "where is my husband?". It's killing me. Today I had lunch with her and when we finished and I told her it was time for me to go she thought she was coming with me. I could see her sadness growing but there was nothing I could do. I called the aide to help me. She distracted Mom while I slipped out knowing she'd forget I had been there.

Man the guilt is torture. My brothers are too far away to help and I live alone so it's all on me. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't expect that there is an answer other than this is what is best for her. I just needed to get this out.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for sharing.
.
Similar situation w/my 98+ yr. old mother. My sister visits her in a North Dakota care facility several times/week.
I live in AZ and used to call my mother a couple times/week...but then she began to ask me who I was and she'd call me by her deceased husband' name (Lou).
My brother used to visit her a few times/month and she would call him "Lou" as he sat right next to her.
.
It began to dawn on me that I was actually frightening her...as, according to her, I was a stranger and she had no clue as to why a stranger would call her.
This is the geometry of age-related issues.
.
She is no longer my mother...something that spouses often say about their loved ones who progress through this aging process.
I decided two years ago to no longer call my mother...what's the use?...she doesn't know who I am.
I still get pangs of guilt now & then...but that's how I dealt with the reality.
A year or so ago I dug out some great family photos of her in her younger years and made a collage out of them.
I now remember her as she was...a good mother who wanted the best for her children.
.
God bless you and have courage, my man.

[URY914]

It is even worse when they are relatively healthy but their mind is going. It can take years for the end to come. I've been there......

[Bugsinrugs]

Everyone who has commented must of had outstanding parents. Their children grew up to be loving and caring adults. That's all a parent can ask for.

[Superman]

You are doing all you can for her. Sadly, you can't 'make it all better.' As mentioned above, her memory loss may be more difficult for you than her. She is safe, and as comfortable as she can be. My mom celebrated her 90th birthday in October. We are looking into facilities that can provide more services than the 'independent' (but communal) living she has now. It is hard to watch her decline. I owe her so much. She is such a special lady. I think that is the hardest part. Watching her decline. I wish there were more I could do, and you wish the same thing. But there isn't. You are doing all you can. And probably....she is as comfortable as you can provide to her.

[quicksix]

I'll add,
Your Mom appreciates what you've done, she just can't put it in words anymore.
You are a good Son, she did good, pass it on.

[cstreit]

Sorry man, rough situation. Do what you feel is right when you are there. As long as you feel like you did that, you can live with it long term.

[JavaBrewer]

This thread has been my life for the last 20 months. I could write for days on the challenges. It's a gigantic bundle of emotion that bounces in different directions every day. Mom and Dad need far more help than I can give them and that they can afford. I am doing the best I can.

Edit - the challenge is to not let it consume you. I have a another life that involves a wonderful wife, 2 kids, and a challenging career. I sleep well with that knowledge and then a couple times a week wake at 2 AM in a full sweat trying to manage it all.

[LakeCleElum]

FB - 1st, thanks for the Christmas gift in the Pelican exchange 2 yrs ago. I look at those flags everyday and appreciate your service to our country.

You have some company here........14 months ago, my mother lived by herself, got in her car and drove to Costco to buy me a birthday present.....

Now, she lives in Oregon with my sister who is a nurse.....She doesn't know her name and doesn't know me....As an estate executor, I have my hands full renting out her house, paying for her care, etc....The whole situation just changes monthly and I tell my siblings we must adapt and roll with it....

You certainly have my sympathy.......Best of luck

[flatbutt]

Thank you all, the empathy that you convey really helps.