Some of mine....now that I have gotten to the point to be considered an old fart!

- Any fool can go fast in a straight line but it takes a well coordinated fool to fast around corners.

- Once a Marine, always a Marine, even in line at Walmart.

- California's DMV is about as useless as tits on a tom cat.

- When in the Navy: If you buy new under shorts, buy some of those iron-on hash marks so no one will steal them.

Slipperier than cat shlt on linoleum!

If you're not handsome, you'd better be handy.

"Slicker that slug guts on a brass doorknob."
"Independent as a hog on ice."
"Cold as a witch's tit."
"Cold enough to freeze the ball off a brass monkey."
"Poor planning and lack of foresight does not constitute an emergency."

In my yoot I worked around cranes quite a bit. One guy I worked with had a habit of saying "raise it down" or "lower it up".

I thought it was funny at the time, but we had to put a stop to it because of the obvious safety implications.

BTW don't try it, turns into a bad habit real easy.
Kinda like getting a song stuck in your head you can't get rid of.

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"If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between schidt and syphilis."

If you're gonna be a bear...You might as well be a grizzly.

another tired old joke
 

Had a friend in school who couldn't wait for a new rookie teacher to mention
Pi R2 (Pi r square). He would jump in with "Pie are not square, pie are round, cake are square"

It's easier to put on slippers than it is to try and carpet the whole world.

- Major Payne

"You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there." -Yogi Berra

"I'd have won that tournament if all those better players hadn't shown up." -My "honorary nephew" Matt, a BCA grand master, after entering a Chinook Winds casino Open. Paid $20,000 for first, so a batch of top pros showed. Hell, he placed 5-6. Won $2,600. Not bad for a weekends work.

Sticks like snot to a hot oven door.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself" (Thanks to Mickey Mantle)

Cheers
JB

Friend from HS. "It don't make me no nevermind".

Others:

"Like a monkey playin' a banjo"

"You can lead them to water but all they do is drown"

"Wrong sized glass" when referring to glass half empty/full.

My Dad to me almost always when leaving the house. “Be good, if you can’t be good at least be careful.”
This took on a new meaning when I started dating.

You forgot, “if you can’t be careful, be prepared.”

“That’s the most degrading thing I’ve ever done five times.”

I think that's supposed to be "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

"Slicker than snot on tile."

"Rare as rocking horse manure."

"Nervous as a long-tailed cat at a rocking chair factory."

That makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine...

When it's obvious what you are doing and someone asks what you're doing, my dad would say, "Making a pair of pants for a fish."

It's raining harder than a bull pi$$ing on a flat rock.