Funny sayings
 

My uncle had a bunch of funny sayings and notions, too.

He thought baseball would be livelier if the batter could run to whatever base he wanted after a hit. He couldn't see anything wrong with that.

Had a whole catalogue of bird breeds, like the "pink throated nut scratcher" and more.

My sister told me of another one of his which I hadn't heard. If he knew a word with a silent "P" he wouldn't say as in PNEUMONIA as most people would, instead he'd say silent P as in "swimming".

He said he had a friend who invented a soft drink "one-up, and two-up, all the way to six-up" then quit because it wasn't a success. I know it's an old joke, but we would roar with laughter at that one. I miss him.

And so on, maybe you've heard all these from your uncles, anyway back to the Gin.

Thanks for lookin'

"You know, ten out of two people are dyslexic."

("Small world.") "Yeah, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

"With friends like that, who needs enemas."

If I were you, and I'm glad I'm not .......

Funny, more like annoying.

Around here some people say "Yeah nah."

WTF, either yes or no.

I guess translated it means "Thanks, but no thank you."

Saying "When the devil learns to ice skate " to mean it will never happen.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Best
Les

Nod yes and firmly say "no."

When you're doing something difficult and someone asks how you're doing you're 'hanging on like a hair in a biscuit'.

“Man who slide down banister naked get splinter, by cracky!”

“Never trust a fart”

Both belong to my dad.

When I was little and asked my Grandad what was for dinner he always said, “boiled owl and creamed buzzard”. At Thanskgiving after he finished carving the turkey while we all looked on he would exclaim “fire and fall back!”

Good memories.

A work buddy used to get this from his grandfather.

You know what I like about you kid?
Absolutely nothing.

He had another one too, but I can’t remember it.

fukk me if I'm wrong...

Often wrong, never in doubt.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk

If you don't have time to do it right the first time, when will you find time to do it a second?

One of my favourites

Don’t sweat the petty things,
And don’t pet the sweaty things

Sign on the wall in the graphics department where I worked...

FOR RUSH JOBS, ADD TWO WEEKS


Another sign in writing/proofreading...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH, YOU SHOULD SEE THIS PLACE AT FIVE O'CLOCK



I know these aren't 'sayings,' I hope to think of a few of those and contribute later.

Had a girlfriend long time ago who was from a very rural upbringing and her late father was a pallet maker. She passed a couple on to me back then:

"It aint the length of the rope, it's how you dangle the bucket." (Hey now.....) and

"Do what you can and let the rough side drag". Now that one made sense from the daughter of a pallet maker, as if you drag a rough piece of wood along the ground eventually it will become smooth. I've used that one as a life lesson.

Dad had his own sayings from long ago such as "tighter than Dick's hatband", but the one he said the most in his final months at age 98, when in conversation I would tell him ".....yeah, I know Dad...." he would say "you might know, but you don't understand" and then later on in the conversation he'd flip it around on me if I said ".....yeah Dad, I understand....." he'd come right back with "you might understand, but you don't know"!

My Grandma Mabel had one I've used for years, especially driving in the snow
"Hold her Newt, she headin' for the rhubarb".

Yelled out at a bar with a very bad singer, “shut her down Jeb, she’s pumpin’ mud”.

A couple more, these are well known and I've posted before.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't tune a fish."

"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had some eggs."

Yogi Berra had a ton of great "sayings" and all were funny and quoted many times over, so I'll refrain on those.

A guy I used to share a cube with came up with this phrase to describe a problem sort of akin to a Catch-22:

"It's a self-eating watermelon"

I've been trying to learn some German and like the following phrase:

"Ich verstehe nur Bahnhof"

Literally translated it means "I understand nothing but the train station", but it sort of means "I have no idea what's going on" or similar to the American phrase "It's all Greek to me".

Some of mine....now that I have gotten to the point to be considered an old fart!

- Any fool can go fast in a straight line but it takes a well coordinated fool to fast around corners.

- Once a Marine, always a Marine, even in line at Walmart.

- California's DMV is about as useless as tits on a tom cat.

- When in the Navy: If you buy new under shorts, buy some of those iron-on hash marks so no one will steal them.

Slipperier than cat shlt on linoleum!

If you're not handsome, you'd better be handy.

"Slicker that slug guts on a brass doorknob."
"Independent as a hog on ice."
"Cold as a witch's tit."
"Cold enough to freeze the ball off a brass monkey."
"Poor planning and lack of foresight does not constitute an emergency."

In my yoot I worked around cranes quite a bit. One guy I worked with had a habit of saying "raise it down" or "lower it up".

I thought it was funny at the time, but we had to put a stop to it because of the obvious safety implications.

BTW don't try it, turns into a bad habit real easy.
Kinda like getting a song stuck in your head you can't get rid of.

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"If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between schidt and syphilis."

If you're gonna be a bear...You might as well be a grizzly.

another tired old joke
 

Had a friend in school who couldn't wait for a new rookie teacher to mention
Pi R2 (Pi r square). He would jump in with "Pie are not square, pie are round, cake are square"

It's easier to put on slippers than it is to try and carpet the whole world.

- Major Payne

"You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there." -Yogi Berra

"I'd have won that tournament if all those better players hadn't shown up." -My "honorary nephew" Matt, a BCA grand master, after entering a Chinook Winds casino Open. Paid $20,000 for first, so a batch of top pros showed. Hell, he placed 5-6. Won $2,600. Not bad for a weekends work.

Sticks like snot to a hot oven door.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself" (Thanks to Mickey Mantle)

Cheers
JB

Friend from HS. "It don't make me no nevermind".

Others:

"Like a monkey playin' a banjo"

"You can lead them to water but all they do is drown"

"Wrong sized glass" when referring to glass half empty/full.

My Dad to me almost always when leaving the house. “Be good, if you can’t be good at least be careful.”
This took on a new meaning when I started dating.

You forgot, “if you can’t be careful, be prepared.”

“That’s the most degrading thing I’ve ever done five times.”

I think that's supposed to be "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

"Slicker than snot on tile."

"Rare as rocking horse manure."

"Nervous as a long-tailed cat at a rocking chair factory."

That makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine...

When it's obvious what you are doing and someone asks what you're doing, my dad would say, "Making a pair of pants for a fish."

It's raining harder than a bull pi$$ing on a flat rock.