From my best buddies dad-
I didn't know whether to spit or wind my watch

One of my Son's buddies after a spirited off beat verbal exchange-
You crack me up, cracker

One of mine (I believe)-
White you are, Caucasian!

"It would be easier to teach an elephant to butter toast."

Wish in one hand and s╟iτ in the other and see which one get full the quickest.

Well, I'll be dipped in **** and rolled in cracker crumbs!

Does the Pope **** on the Catholics?

Does your (fill in the blank) hurt? (doesn't matter what the answer is) Well, it's killing me!

Colder than a brass monkey on a well digger's witch.

Pretty much the same, a friend use to say 'want in one hand and s╟iτ in the other...' whenever he'd hear you say you wanted something.

And when someone would apologize to him he'd say, 'sorry like owl s╟iτ'.

There we go. I used to have a partner that didn't say the "and rolled in cracker crumbs" part. I feel complete now!

"Colder than a witch's freezer" I like better than "tit."

I heard this was as "Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra" and "Colder than a well diggers azz"

"With the price of ammunition these days, don't expect a warning shot"

I'm a patient man, but I hate to wait to prove it

Hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

Had a friend in HS you had an interesting way of planning road trips:

“How long is it going to take us to get to Myrtle Beach?”

“‘Bout three beers...”

There was a tavern about forty miles or so west of Boise where I grew up who advertised on bumper stickers:

"Toll Gate Tavern. Three beers and a piss away"

Simpler times.

My grandfather used to say that. He'd take me fishing and I'd ask how far away it was. He'd say..."Just a three beer trip". He meant it too. Sometimes we'd go someplace far and my feet would be 6" deep in empty beer cans. :rolleyes:

When I was 11 or 12 I was helping my dad run romex wire through some rafters in the basement.
All he had was a 3/8" drill so he just tried to drill two or three holes next to each other and elongate them. The holes weren't very accommodating and he was struggling with it.
Now this was a man who never ever lied and rarely cursed so I was a little shocked when he said:

"this is like trying to stick a wet noodle up a wild-cat's ass".

One of my friends will say "Not my farm, not my pig" when some problem happens somewhere out of his control. It sums up, nothing I can do about it and it is none of his business.

One I use occasionally "Big hat, no cattle" for the client that calls with grandiose plans for some development and he wants us to map it and just do it for cost or let him pay for it when some big investor buys in. We decline to work for free. We sure don't need the practice, and I have other things to do as a hobby.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it mow your lawn.

A bird in the hand is worth two bucks.

Come back when you can't stay so long!
Come back when you don't mind imposing!
You can have it as long as you don't come back and b#tch about it.
My Dad

Harder than the hubs of he'll
Long as a short piece of rope
Tight as old Dicks hatband
hotter than a flu gin
My grand pa
Lower tha a snakes belly in a wagon rut

Harder than Chinese arithmetic!

An expert is someone who doesn't make the same mistake three times.