How do you watch family members make horrible life decisions?

[JonT]

I have a younger brother in his late 30's that's married to a bipolar/manic wife with MAJOR father issues. Traumatic childhood--her sister died in a car crash then her father left the family. She can't hold a job, slept with some other guy, my brothers not attracted to her she's massively overweight, they don't have sex, she's been violent towards him (hitting him on several occasions, the dog is afraid of her, she's lost over $20k of their savings trying to build a business-it failed, she cant have kids, I can go on.

Recently he moved out to stay with our parents saying he was going to end things. Well he's going back to her. In his mind he hasn't done enough to help her to get her meds/therapy figured out. WTF!!?? Why do people choose absolute misery!!??

[Dantilla]

Originally Posted by JonT

Why do people choose absolute misery!!??

To not be alone. Sad.

[LWJ]

No solution. I have seen this all to often. A wonderful reminder of how good I have it.

[masraum]

Good luck. Talk to him, but don't try to sway him or tell him what he needs to do. 99% of the time, that has the opposite effect to what is desired.

Your best bet is to just be there for him when he needs you. Most of the time folks in this situation are like addicts, they can't be helped until they are ready for help and want to change.

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by LWJ

No solution. I have seen this all to often. A wonderful reminder of how good I have it.

This.

[jhynesrockmtn]

One of the hardest things I ever did was end a relationship with someone I met while she was doing well but she had some long term depression and anxiety and a year into being together and having her move in she started going down hill again. We struggled with this for another year or so. She was a brilliant artist type. She was aware enough of her own issues to not guilt me into staying, etc. I still struggle with my decision but understand I could not make her well. If you can talk some sense into him that would be a great thing but he may need to go through this on his own. He would benefit from seeing a good counselor if he is willing and you can find one.

[legion]

Some people you just can't reach. I imagine it is hardest when it's your kid.

A lot of people who are failures at life can be incredibly manipulative just to get by.

[JonT]

Legion--so true this is tearing my Mom up to see him with her and now go back to her again. My brother is not the most confident guy and I'm sure his low self-worth is impacting his decision making. He hit a point where he made a decision to leave I'll give him credit for that but it didn't stick. It has only been a week. She cant be left alone due to her unpredictable condition right now so she's been with her Mom for the past week.

This is a tough one. It's hard to watch someone head down the wrong road, but sometimes you just have to let things play out. If you get too pushy, you risk getting shut out. But ultimately, the responsibility to live a happy life is his and his alone.

[legion]

Could you do an activity with your brother once a week to help him build some confidence? Play basketball or something else that he enjoys? I'd be careful not to bring up his home situation. Let him talk if he wants to, but don't force it and just listen. Once he has some confidence, things may change.

[sc_rufctr]

It's your brothers problem Jon. Stay out of it. Things like this can lead to family separations.

If he asks for help, help him... But he has to ask.

My attitude: Wives come and go but blood family is forever.

[asphaltgambler]

The most important lesson I learned a few years back is you can't control other peoples behavior AND you're not responsible for their actions or behavior. The only control metric is how you react to it.

If you have family, extended family or friends ( I have all of these in various completely ridiculous re-occurring situations ) like the OP's - there is no solution as they choose to do this or be in this scenario.

[oldE]

I had to watch our adopted daughter (FAE), make a series of life choices/partner choices I could not understand and in some cases to which I reacted badly. Last Christmas she admitted she might have done better if she had taken my advice, but had to learn life on her own.
It seems now, after 12 years, she has figured out some things on her own, but by God it was hard to watch.

Hope your brother figures it out.
Best
Les

[Tobra]

How do you watch family members make horrible life decisions?




Hopefully, from a great distance.


Seriously though, support him the best you can, build his confidence, and hopefully he climbs out of the co dependent hole he is in.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

One of the hardest things I ever did was end a relationship with someone I met while she was doing well but she had some long term depression and anxiety and a year into being together and having her move in she started going down hill again. We struggled with this for another year or so.

Ex-Mrs. Beard turned out to have multiple issues. She liked sex and alcohol for all the wrong reasons.

Low self esteem and equated having sex with being attractive. Used Alcohol to cope. Which made self esteem worse. Which made everything else more frantic. And the circle went on.

Best decision I made was to get out of there. She is someone else's problem now...

[Tervuren]

Originally Posted by legion

Could you do an activity with your brother once a week to help him build some confidence? Play basketball or something else that he enjoys? I'd be careful not to bring up his home situation. Let him talk if he wants to, but don't force it and just listen. Once he has some confidence, things may change.

There is a situation I have had for many many years.

The people with the loudest voice in their life give advice that leads to dried up and rotting fruit.

Anything I did ended in frustration.

Recently we started playing an online MMORPG together. Now I have a lot more voice, and they have something positive to do in their life. They are a lot happier than they were before.

I have not tried to change the root issue, but I am seeing the root issue weaken as something better grows.

[jorian]

Originally Posted by JonT

............she cant have kids,

The silver lining...

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Tobra

How do you watch family members make horrible life decisions?




Hopefully, from a great distance.


Seriously though, support him the best you can, build his confidence, and hopefully he climbs out of the co dependent hole he is in.

I had some thoughts on this but when I read the co-dependent part, my thinking shifted. What I was thinking (likely erroneously) was that he cared for another human being. Easy to walk away from someone, harder to want to help.

Yeah, if possible he needs to talk to someone that is a professional, if possible. IDK a thing about the relationship, but there is tiny chance she will see something knowing he is seeking help to turn around and help her.

A tiny chance. I too believe people are like the spots on a leopard quote. Sometimes they can be rearranged, but not often. And I have a similar situation pretty close to home.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by JonT

Why do people choose absolute misery!!??

It sounds like both of them have chosen misery. They'll complain about it, but unless they choose a different path, the best you can do is protect yourself and stay away from it. It's difficult, but the more you get involved the more difficult it will be.

[Rawknees'Turbo]

Originally Posted by sc_rufctr

It's your brothers problem Jon. Stay out of it. Things like this can lead to family separations.

If he asks for help, help him... But he has to ask.

My attitude: Wives come and go but blood family is forever.

This "douche brother" agrees with you 100%; there's almost nothing worse that a family member sticking their big snout into another family member's business, when unasked for - creates nothing by anger and resentment.