Any of you gents had a baby later in life?

[rattlsnak]

I'm talking like @ the 55ish point???

[sc_rufctr]

No but tell us more!

If you're lucky enough to become a dad at 55 you don't really have a choice but to go through with it and do the best you can.

[SCadaddle]

Every Father's Day I celebrate not getting a Father's Day card with free tickets to the Maury Povich show.

[LWJ]

My single buddy adopted his infant daughter when he was in his 50's. I call him "The Bravest Man in the World".

[rattlsnak]

Well this has come full circle..

Read this to catch up..

What would you do?

Well grandson #2 arrived a few months ago and she is full bore in baby mode again. After several months of counseling and serious conversations she said she wants her own again. She has been to the fertility clinic, the donor egg clinic and ran all the tests they wanted her to run and we find out in a few days what the verdict will be. (If he will let her carry it either with her egg or donor). So now I'm a few years older, as is she, and am just heartbroken over this as she said I'm 99% sure if he says yes, then I'm going to do it. I told her that it wont be with me and she said that makes her sad but she cant deny this anymore. I can't convince her on how hard this will be, especially alone, but it doesn't matter to her. I've tried every angle about it not being fair to the child, etc.. nothing..

FML...

[sc_rufctr]

Originally Posted by rattlsnak

Well this has come full circle..

Read this to catch up..

What would you do?

Well grandson #2 arrived a few months ago and she is full bore in baby mode again. After several months of counseling and serious conversations she said she wants her own again. She has been to the fertility clinic, the donor egg clinic and ran all the tests they wanted her to run and we find out in a few days what the verdict will be. (If he will let her carry it either with her egg or donor). So now I'm a few years older, as is she, and am just heartbroken over this as she said I'm 99% sure if he says yes, then I'm going to do it. I told her that it wont be with me and she said that makes her sad but she cant deny this anymore. I can't convince her on how hard this will be, especially alone, but it doesn't matter to her. I've tried every angle about it not being fair to the child, etc.. nothing..

FML...

Why not you?

Nobody knows the future. If you can then do it.

[A930Rocket]

Tough decision to be made, but you were clear up front.

Personally, I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it.

Good luck.

[gsxrken]

Sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like she isn’t of sound mind on this matter; nor is she thinking of the child, you, or her responsibilities as a spouse... just herself and what she wants.
I hope the legalities are straightforward and there’s no scenario you can be on the hook financially for what she’s about to do. You might want to look into it just in case.

[SCadaddle]

I'd call her bluff by sending the kids on a 2 week vacation and you and her agree to keep the grand kids during that time. "Just to see how it all works out".

[craigster59]

Holy frijoles Marc, that's a tough one. I work with a guy who had a new baby at 62. He's screwed as far as retirement goes, not to mention he'll be 80 when she graduates high school.

The decision to have a child together needs to be mutual, whether you're 25 or 55. Good luck with whatever happens. Signed, "Childless and happy in Castaic".

[fintstone]

My wife really wanted to babysit our first grandchild when our daughter went back to work. She is retired and probably wanted more children than we had...and had been dying for a grandchild. I agreed if she wanted to do it...but pointed out that we wanted to travel and do a lot of other things in retirement and it would commit several of our best years until the child was in school...and she would have to go out to where may daughter lived alone until I retired. She went and stayed with her for about a month right after birth and helped out. She was a great mom and her patience and ability to tend a new baby was pretty awe-inspiring for my daughter and made them closer...but...she was really glad to come home...as it was a mental and physical challenge. Now she just wants to visit and spoil the grandchild. Then go home (although we may move closer or at least have a vacation home nearby).

I have had several relatives that ended up being fulltime caregivers for grandkids for multiple reasons from parents that used drugs, single parents with careers that took them to remote places, etc. None seemed to have much quality of life and the kids did not seem particularly well adjusted, etc. I have seen successful daytime babysitting by grandparents that seemed to work out just fine...other than the kids seemed to somewhat lack in physical activity. It sure does seem to take a toll on older folks though.

As someone suggested, give your kids a vacation and let her care for their little bundle of joy for a few weeks...then the other kids the following few weeks. Hopefully she will bond with the grandkids and they will fill some of her needs...and, at the same time, help her recognize the challenge of parenting a baby full time.

Finally, I suggest that it is partially hormonal. Some women go through that around 50. Sometime women's 50+ vitamins are helpful (my wife took One-a-day version). They used to be labelled "post menopausal"...but I guess that did not go over well. Get her some. Vitamins are pretty nonthreatening...and if not that, probably have something she needs anyways.

Since people live longer and life is easier...if one has had an easy life and is very healthy...and wealthy enough to buy a lot of help in their older years...a child at that age is possible. Rich folks can always hire someone to help take care of the house, cook, mow the grass, etc...and play mom/dad part of the day (think Au pair) while you nap.

[911boost]

Did you do a prenup?

You discussed ir being key to your relationship, time to move on.

[HardDrive]

I just turned 50, I have 16 year old child. I would not hesitate at this point to have another child.

But what you describe sounds like a person who is seriously regretting some earlier decisions, and perhaps not dealing with the psychological effects of pre-menopause.

If you do not desire a child, then you should not, under any circumstance sire a child. If your wife decides to go forward with having a child....I can't help you there. Love is too varied.

[DanielDudley]

A woman marries a man for who he is, then she wants you to change. So you change, and then she says you aren't the man she married.

You have already had kids. Only you know what it is like, and if you can do it again. If you bend over backwards and it doesn't work out, your life will be a mess. If you stay the man you are, if it doesn't work out, you won't have to find yourself, and you won't be the cash machine that makes it all possible.

Grandkids are the best of all worlds, and Grandparents can devote the time and attention to a child that parent might not. In five years she is going to feel very different on the other side of the menopausal curve. Nobody really knows how that is going to change them until they go through it, but it does change them.

In my life, being myself in a relationship has always worked out better for me than trying to be someone I am not. I am sure my wife is sometimes frustrated with me, but I am always there for her. I take care of her real needs, not her wants, and she knows that. She was in her forties when we married, and she also wanted to have a child very badly. We had unprotected sex and always have, but we never conceived. And that was the answer. If we were meant to conceive, we would have.

If you don't wake up every morning feeling like it is 100% the right thing to do, don't do it. If for any reason you do do it, you have to be all in, all the time. But if you give in, knowing it is wrong for you, ask yourself what's next ? There is always a next thing a woman wants, once you give in.

Go watch the movie Rob Roy, if you want to see what a man does. You are a man, and a good one. Trust your gut. If she leaves you for that, it is on her.

[rfuerst911sc]

Having a child is a big life altering decision , at least if you are a good parent . It's a decision that BOTH must share and be happy with . I think your wife regrets throwing away her best child bearing years and now is in panic mode that it may be too late . A man or woman should NEVER be forced into having a child they don't want . You were mature enough to discuss having children before you were engaged and during the engagement .............. you were 100 % clear on your position .

You are now at the age where you should be balls to the walls saving money and planning for your retirement ........... not planning on pre-school and baby sitting . Keep in mind if you stand your ground you may end up splitting up . I don't envy your position good luck .

[ckelly78z]

It sounds like she is being inreasonable with her desire to have another kid in her mid 50s. Most of the energy you think you have, is drawn out of you with a newborn/toddler even when you are in your 20s/30s, I can't imagine the exhaustion of being near 60 with a 5 year old full time.

My good neighbors are 80/83, and having to raise thier great grand daughter who is now 10, they are at wits end, and constantly in the car going to events/practices, and can NEVER relax.

I am currently 55, and if my wife of 31 years told me the same thing, I would also have to refuse, because retirement was going to be OUR time. I still have a 20 year old son at home, and looking forward to an empty nest.

[pavulon]

IMO, she's having a mid-life crisis. Cramming for finals takes a lot of wacky forms. This isn't about a child. This is about her. The odds of a successful pregnancy are low but the odds of someone else ending up with a lot of your money is 100%. Best case scenario for a pregnancy is another child dependent upon you for a long time...you'll be like 73-74 upon HS graduation. Worst case scenario, you have a special needs child and everything that goes with it--I'm 54 and have such a child who is 13. It's hard. You're in for some tough times but you're right in talking about it.

[jcommin]

I got married late in life . I was 38 when my first was born. He was a tuff birth - my second was born 6 years later - I was 44.

Life is journey, not a sprint and it is different for everyone. My brother, who is years younger than me, started his family when he was in his last year of college. He has 5 kids and I marvel how he and his wife did it at a young age. I wasn't ready to start anything after college.

To those who start late - it's ok.

[Chocaholic]

Some topics require only introspection. The opinions of others don’t matter. In this case, you have to do what is important to you. Whatever that is...Pelican is here to listen...(and tell you what we would do).

[fastfredracing]

50 here , and I have a 2 year old and a 14 year old running around the house This was not planned. I was freaked out . This really changed everything in our lives, like plans for retirement, and just how we live our daily life . Then my wife lost her job in the professional world, and we are now strapped with 2 kids, and less than half the income we were once living on .
It's hard, no lies, but man , do I love that little guy . All he wants is Daddy . I can't wait to get home and spend time with him every night .
There is a whole lot of love in our household , that may have been missing in recent years .
Remember, we lost a little girl 5 years ago, and it really messed with all of us
I would not have chosen this , but now that I am living this life, I could not imagine it any other way . It is like I get to experience all that joy, and love over again . I get to share my life , and nurture another little human, and it really fills my heart
I think he has the bug too. I can't keep him out of my tools
Best of luck in your situation,