Your mamma's so fat that her spiritual guide refers to her aura as an event horizon

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

A Kiwi guy goes to Paris and is fascinated by the mayhem of pedestrians running across the road and car drivers almost clipping their heels.

He says to the taxi driver "What's that cross hairs looking thing on the front of the Mercedes cab?" Driver thinks "OMG, what have I got here. Might as well have some fun with him." He replies "That's my sights so I can line up and run down pedestrians."

The Cab driver came flying around the next corner, lined up a person running across the road, then swerved last second laughing to himself. Kiwi guy says "Why did you swerve the last second. If I hadn't have swung the door open you would have missed him completely."

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round, and He laughed and laughed and laughed .

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret At age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat."

OK this one is not really a joke, but a funny story. It sure made me laugh out loud.

A short story.

One of my fire-rescue co-worker friends had a weird way of expressing himself. You knew what he was saying, if you thought about it.

We were at an elementary school, doing a 'show & tell' about the trucks, and Bob was trying to explain about keeping calm in an emergency. "After-all you don't want to be a man running-around with a chicken on his head," he said. Read, "running around like a headless chicken."

Another time, they were transporting a woman who had a syncopal episode (fainting) and who had lost-control of her bowels. She had been sitting on the floor covered in her own feces for hours, we suspected a CVA (stroke). Those are a mess. We try to clean them up before transport otherwise, the fire/rescue workers have been known to use the patient emesis bags themselves.

On the way to the hospital, Bob made the telemetry call into the E.R. to inform them of pt. status, and our time of arrival. The E.R. physician asked for the most-recent set of vital signs, and Bob responded. "Doctor, the patient was lying on the floor we suspect for hours, she moved her bowels, and is now covered in fetuses."

The doctor called back, and asked, "please repeat that!"

Bob: "we don't have a most-recent set of vital signs, because of the dirty condition of the patient, she is covered in fetuses!" The next time the doctor keyed the mic, you could hear laughing in the background.

When the ambulance arrived at the E.R. there was staff interest to see the elderly woman "covered in fetuses." We heard about the incident when our unit made a hospital transport, and from his partner. By now, he was used-to such happenings, and turns of a phrase.

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

Snowflake of the year...........
 

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1538682869.jpg

I hope someone from Florida State sees this!

Q) What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

A) Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

In Canada, our government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage
2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Close.

Just "practising a little creative or literary license' to carry the "joke"

Guys
I doesn’t matter how far you try and push the envelope .....

It’s still stationary!!!

Amazon Book List of "Worlds Shortest Books"



World's Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
______________________________ __________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By "The Rev Jesse Jackson"
& "The Rev Al Sharpton"
______________________________ ________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
______________________________ ______

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
______________________________ ___

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______

______

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
______________________________ ____

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

______________________________ _________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
______________________________ ___________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
________ _

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
and foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
______________________________ _____________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
______________________________ _____________________

AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
______________________________ ____________

And the shortest book of all....

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

Don't forget the thinnest of all.

True Statements.

D. Trump.


Best
Les

List of People Who Changed Their Minds After Visiting PARF

Subject: Marine Math

The Korean War, in which the US Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many, many many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean Officer.

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer,
"Many, many, many, many Chinese!"

"Dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine Liaison Officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes Sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "Exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"General, we've got a whole ****ing ****load of Chinese up here!

"Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"