A gas station owner in Virginia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read "Free Sex with a Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his truck, and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later the same redneck, along with his buddy Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number, and the redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.” Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice”.

A truck driver was sitting at the counter of a diner having breakfast.

A group of four outlaw motorcyclists entered and all four sat at the counter, two on each side of him.

One of the bikers reached over and picked up the driver’s glass and drank the truck driver’s juice.

Another reached over and took his coffee cup and drank his coffee.

Another took a piece of toast off his plate. The fourth one took his bacon. The truck driver said nary a word, stood up, paid his check and left.

The bikers were laughing and one of them said to the waitress, “That guy’s not much of a man. We ate his breakfast and he never did a thing!”.

The waitress just smiled and said, “He’s not much of a truck driver either. He ran over four Harleys trying to get his Peterbilt out of the parking lot.”

Recently a scare crow won at an awards ceremony. Some questioned this decision, but it couldn't be argued with, he was, after all, out standing in his field.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.:D

^^^ lol...good one.

You know why professional boxers never have sex before a big fight? Well.... it's because they don't like each other.

My Wife was trying to tell me Women were better than Men at multitasking.

I certainly proved her wrong!

I told her to Sit Down and Shut Up. She could not do either one!

I didn't see that coming! Great one-liner.

Good stuff guys!!!

My wife has Tinnitus,
 

There's a hot line for that, but no one answers, it just keeps ringing and ringing.

Girl "Mom, we had maths at school today and the other kids could only count to four and I could count to five. Is that because I'm blonde or because I'm smart?"

Mother "Because you're smart."

Girl "Mom, today we had sport then we all had a shower. The other girls were all flat chested and I've got these big fat titties. Is that because I'm blond or because I'm smart?"

Mother "It's because you are 24 years old."

Why are moons rocks tastier than Earth rocks?

Because they're meteor

> An elderly lady was recently arrested for shoplifting from a local market. The woman pleaded guilty to stealing a can of peaches. The judge asked how many peaches were in the can, and it was established there were nine.

> He then proceeded to sentence her to nine days in jail, one for each peach.
>
> At that point the lady's husband asked to speak. The husband said he had some additional information that could have a bearing on the case.

> Out of compassion the judge allowed the husband to proceed.

> The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can can of peas."

Two golfers were on the 15th green when a funeral processed past on a nearby road. One fellow took off his cap and placed it over his heart as the hearse went by…put his cap back on and sank his putt. On the 16th tee box, his playing partner says, “hey, I saw what you did back there. That was very thoughtful.” The first guy says, yeah, we would have been married 46 years next month.”

Keeping on the golf theme:

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”

A man get home after a round of golf and his wife says to him "you look exhausted. what happened"?

He said it was horrible, his best friend Joe had a heart attack on the back 9 and dropped dead. He said after that, it was hit the ball, and drag Joe for 9 more holes to get back to the clubhouse.

An old woman complains to her therapist that her husband hasn't had interest in sex in a long time, but that she still does.

The therapist recommends some role playing and suggests that she introduces the idea with something simple like a costume. So the woman stops by the store on her way home and picks out something she thinks will finally get his attention.

Arriving home, she finds her husband camped in his usual spot: sitting in his easy chair watching television. He doesn't notice or acknowledge her as she passes between him and the boob-tube on her way to the bedroom to change. Still, she's just sure that's about to change.

A few minutes later she emerges from the bedroom and, wearing nothing but some very skimpy panties and a cape, jumps between her husband and the television and excitedly exclaims "Would you like some super sex???!!!"

With a wave of his hand, designed to get her to move out of his line of sight, he responds ... "I'll take the soup".

_