Why did a bear carcass end up in Central Park?

The guy remembered he hadn't paid for carrion when he booked his flight.

Best
Les

RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726987953.jpg

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726988661.jpg

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed: Desperate


The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad progrm that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck
Tech Support

Guy tried online dating to meet someone nice.

Girl and him had been emailing and messaging for some time and decided to meet up.

Girl: "So obviously we quite like each other. Now for the big question, how many people have you had sex with?"

Guy: "Three or four, probably more like three actually."

Girl: "Me too, it's been quite a slow week."

The "fat cow" cartoon on the cartoon thread reminded me of this true story.
My wife was teaching a lesson in her grade 6 class when a student from another class came to the door and asked,"Mrs.GS, do you have a broom?"
She replied,"Sorry. I drove my car this morning. "
The kid turned away to continue his quest and there were a few chuckles from the class.

Best
Les

a baby seal walks into a club.

My buddy suggested we go clubbing. I wasn't sure what he meant. Then it hit me.

Best
Les

Having an outer space party. It's hard to plan it.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you
were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

*

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

*

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

*

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

*

"Yes" says the man.

*

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

*


"We're getting granite counter tops.”

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ With a big smile, the woman replies, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

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"I see" said the blind man as he spit into the wind, "it all comes back to me"

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So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight". She said: "Try it with the tongue out" I said "It'th nho ghood, itth thill thoo thight".

What can you take and have, but you can't give?




You know the answer. ;)

Best
Les

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http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1745155693.jpg
After moving to the U.S., a Chinese doctor struggled to find work in a hospital. So, he opened a small clinic with a clever sign out front:
“Treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”
One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “What a scam… but hey, easy money!” He walked in confidently.
Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22. Three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer: “Bleh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Congratulations — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Annoyed but determined, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, Box No. 22 again. Three drops.”
Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”
Doctor: “Wonderful — your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”
Now thoroughly frustrated, the lawyer made one last attempt to win.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry. I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s your $100.”
The doctor handed him a $20 bill.
Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute… this is just $20!”
Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

Why did the rabbit go to medical school?







He wanted to become an ether bunny.

Happy Easter
Les

A joke my grandfather told me.

Guys who are bald at the front are great thinkers. Guys who are bald at the back are great lovers. And guys who are bald all over just think they are great lovers.