John Glenn
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – that every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.

Prince Philip
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan
The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

W.H. Auden
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.

Steve Martin
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Doug Hanwell
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A friend at an excellent Thai restaurant this past weekend.

Waitress: Do you have any questions?
Coworker: Who shot JFK?

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't need a fishing license.

The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says "you definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."

The man says "oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."

"Pet fish?" Replied the wildlife officer

"Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."

The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says. "I've never heard such a. Well I've got to see this."

The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.

The wildlife officer says. "Well, call them back. "

The man says "Call who back."

The wild life officer says "your pet fish."

"What fish?", replied the man.

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Guy goes to England for a football game, and gets lost, and REALLY had to take a whiz. A Bobbie [English Cop] catching him mid-unzip, "Here, here, what's all this then?"
"Sorry, I've REAAAALY got to take a leak!"
"Well, why dinnnt you say so, come over ear'."
The Bobbie leads him over to a quite well-kept garden, with lots of beautiful flowers. "Just have a go here' mate"
The guy stands and let's fly a torrent of urine, and expels a sigh. He exclaims, "What is this place?"
The Bobbie say, "Ah Mate. This is the garden...of the French Embassy."

Saw on a Youtube short
 

Wife:

"Since you're going to the drug store, why not pick up something that will make you hard."

Husband:

"Sure thing." (He gets back and hand HER the pills.)

"Hey, these are diet pills!"

"Exactly."

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

a young man and his new girlfriend are getting hot and heavy
on the couch when he wants to go further.
"come on," he says, "let's do it."
"no. i don't want to - not yet."
"come on, please." he pleads.
another no.
"okay, i'll tell you what. how about if i put in only the tip?"
"only the tip?" she says.
"yeah, i promise. just the tip and that's it."
"we'll if you promise that that's how you want to do it then that should be okay."
so off they go and things are progressing rapidly when
he can't help himself as it just feels too good and so he puts it all the way in.
he's all the way in now and she says, "oh god that feels great!
just go ahead and put it all the way in."
panicked pause.
then - "oh no no," he says quickly,
"a promise is a promise."

Guy say to girl lets go back to your place. She says no, my mother would be worried. He says OK, we'll go back to my place instead and let my mother do all the worrying.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say "that shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering “you seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says “hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?" “Oh, those are the peanuts” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

Single guy goes on a cruise with supermodels. Ship sinks, and he's on an island with <insert supermodel> with Cindy Crawford. The realize they are stuck, so set up 'house' and things go well for a while, and they live together in sexual bliss for months, until...

Guy: Feeling kinda lonely, Cindy.

Cindy: What wrong?

Guy: Well, I miss hanging out with my guys

Cindy: I can help! I did some acting, so pretend I'm 'one of the guys.'

Guy: Great! Okay, let me start..

Cindy: Okay (ahem) "Hey, how's it hanging?"

Guy: You'll never believe it! Guess who I'm banging!!

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.”

The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”

Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”

The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”

Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”

The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

^ When SNL was worth watching. Thanks.

Me: What's wrong?

Him: I can only go to sleep if I lie on a pile of old magazines.

Me: You must have back issues.

Friend: “What are you doing this weekend?”

Me: “Having a pool party and BBQ for 200 of my closest friends. Why are you doing?”

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

My granddaughter asked:
" How do you keep a bull from charging?"

"Unplug him."



Fifty years ago, the answer was,"Take away his credit card." I guess we have to change with the times.

Best
Les