Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
Hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin at drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat jet fuel and get a
Buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got
Completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he
Feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta
Do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa

The wisdom of an old Marine. Commandant of the Marine Corps, General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine', loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private.

In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity. Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats'
around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability. During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington , D.C. , home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held. At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait . She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?' The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that schit, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?" The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention'
(like the arm of a mousetrap smacking its wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that schit, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went. This time, there was no doubt.
The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted. "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?" General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't." The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, She said, "I - don't - eat - that - schit - Ma'am!'' The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fcuk him! Don't give him any."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

A man tells his psychiatrist, "I had the strangest dream last night. I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, she had your face. This was very disturbing. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I waited until morning, then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I hope you can explain the meaning of this dream."

The psychiatrist says, "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

What's brown and sticky?






A stick.

Harlequin Romance, Version 2011

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the
door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves, slowly
but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.

His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted.

A man who would look into my soul and say .. . .



"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

I am sure to catch hell for this
 

Here is a very old joke with an addendum.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.


'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )





' ............... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'





WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'




Cheers & I hope you're are all not too ill!

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?

Answer:

A crazy woman who WILL find you.

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed. note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1.. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

SO MANY CHOICES...

Just in case you’re planning to do a little cooking...




To keep potatoes from budding,
place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

OR
Buy mashed potato mix.
Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year.


When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking tin, use a bit of dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.

OR
Go to the bakery!
Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!





Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting
in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.


OR
Celery?
Never heard of it!



Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


OR
Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
chill and drink! All your pains go away!



Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.


OR
Left over wine???????
HELLO!!!!!!

What do a 9 volt battery and a hot chicks balloon knot have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You just know it's wrong but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it.

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in Sunset and sent Detective Boudreaux to investigate.

Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning,"Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin."

"Good work. Who are they?"he asked

Boudreaux replied confidently,"De Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled the sergeant asked" How did you find that out in one night?"

Well I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, I'll buy that. But what about the others".

"Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sunnbody bet on de duck."

"Ah" sighed the sergeant. And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.


When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fuking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds: "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68....

Another groaner
 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

"What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked. ''What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.....

"Let me guess.....

.
.
.
.
.
.


.....Smallcox!”

Betcha all of you saw that one coming...

Cheers
JB

A husband and wife were frustrated with their golf game and decided to seek instruction from the local golf pro.

The husband takes the first lesson, the pro tees up the ball and instructs the hubby to hit it. He proceeds to shank it right into the trees. "Well, there's your problem" the pro says, "you're gripping the club too hard. Hold it like you would your wife's breast". The husband does as he's told and BAM! 325 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

He goes home excited, "Honey, you're going to love this guy! He straightened out my slice!"

The next day the wife goes for her lesson and the pro tees up a ball and has her swing at it. The ball flies straight into the trees. "You have the same problem as your husband" he says, "you're gripping the club too hard, hold the club the way you would hold your husbands penis."

She takes a swing and the ball goes 3 feet, rolling along the grass. "That's a start" says the pro, "now take the club out of your mouth......"

Hope this ain't a re-post!
 

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
 

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" - no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.

Boudreau was driving down Canal street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of ma life and give up ma White Lightnin'!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Boudreau looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

A toddler, was giving her Daddy a tea party, she brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet?"

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ........ well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

How do you get a 90 year old woman to say f@#k?.........

Get a 78 year old to shout "HOUSE!!!!"..

???

How about a joke thread?
 

Bingo! is a better punchline than house!

Three pregnant women are sitting in the doctors office .

A blond

A brunette

And a red-head

The brunette says "I'm having a girl , I was on top"

The red-head says "I'm having a boy , my husband was on top"

They both look at the blond and she is crying.

What's wrong they ask ?

"I'm having puppies" the blond says through tears.

what do you call a hooker with a GPS?





wait for it....






a Nava-ho!

An man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen.....but it will get better.............

1. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

2. Paddy says to Mick - "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks - "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, - "I'll take her with me!"

3. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. .Dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year. SEMPER FI!

A Golf Lesson
---
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'


The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

Joe and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Joe fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Joe was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Joe had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums. Joe became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate
and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Joe took Nancy
to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Joe said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our
relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you
a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf,
I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us,
you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Joe, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,
you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Joe said, "OK, I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.

His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"