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The agony of getting old...
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my old friend, Mike. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back." |
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, marched up and down a steep hill, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake" Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."
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On growing older - could be a re-post
Places I have and have not been
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I amin Vincible but life shows me I am not! I've been in Deep$chit many times: the older I get, the easier it is to get there. |
I believe this is true.....
Passengers were waiting to board their flight in the departure lounge. The
passenger agent at the desk announced, "ladies and gentlemen flight 444 is delayed two hours for a mechanical reason" . A man comes running up to the agent and obviously is indignant about the delay and says, "do you know who I am ?" The agent picked up the mike and thru the pa says, "ladies and gentlemen we have a man who does not know who he is, can somebody come up and identify him!" Cheers:) |
If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S answers below Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's You are a Pervert!! |
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.' |
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now...a joke! Probably didn't really happen... A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !' |
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-------------------------- Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada |
No longer confused
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies: Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' State,City,County & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service' This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. But today,I overheard two farmers talking,and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. WHAM!!! It all came into focus.Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. you are now just as enlightened as I am. :p |
When your kids ask you why they have to study, work all their life and make money...
Show them these pictures of Flavio Briatori – Head of Renault F1 team http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1322090606.jpg http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1322090634.jpg http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1322090658.jpg And then explain: This is a hate relationship: He hates being lonely and she hates poverty! I hope this isn't a re-post. Cheers JB |
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Greek economics explained
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the E100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the E100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works |
Now if we could just find a German tourist with $15 trillion...
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WHY PEOPLE HATE CLASS REUNIONS
Cathy, Sue and Jane haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Cathy arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Cathy in a glass of wine. Then Jane walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Cathy explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Bill, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Bill is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix . Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clint, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida . Jane explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ted. They run a tropical bird park in Memphis and grow their own vegetables. Ted can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Cathy blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clint are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama . Jane admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. |
OLD VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible for yourself! MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not EasyBeing Green...' Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome. Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake, while he damns the ants. President Obama condems the ant and blames President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government GreenCzar and given to the grasshopper. The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012. |
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex." |
A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw a diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it? And I didn't have money that time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day' ?" Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes, I remember that, my love." Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop." |
A guy logs onto a Porsche board and starts a thread entitled:
"Talk me out of buying a Cayman...." Forget it. Completely unbelieveable.SmileWavy Best Les |
A Sentimental Story About Togetherness
My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it, the first time ever ... after all these years. I never thought he'd be willing to share his "guy time" with me and being the thoughtful man that he is he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it "The First Timers Lucky Hat." I'm so fortunate to be married to this wonderful man. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat, and we can hardly wait until "opening day!" http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1324309366.jpg |
Whitetail antlers go the other way, these are actually on the hat backwards. Whoever made her hat didn't know any more about deer hunting than she does.
(sorry - killjoy). angela |
From a second grade kid:
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... |
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN. |
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not really sure where I got this one. |
Shot my first turkey yesterday, scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section…
It was awesome! Gettin' old is so much fun.... |
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were
having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, " My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ' Father '." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, " My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ' Your Eminence '. " The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him " Your Holiness. " Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, " Well....? ". She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM TALL 38 DDD BREASTS 24" WAIST and 36" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, " Oh My God ". |
Best to everyone - stay safe & well!
If you're out before the holidays. be safe always. Please take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jerks who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and stuff like that. Therefore beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. |
Obama supporter
How do you starve an Obama supporter?
Hide his food stamps under his work boots! :p :p :p :p |
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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sheet inside!" |
We're having turkey for Xmas.
He's going to be sitting next to me! :D |
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not listening to what I'm saying." |
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling round and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis one hundred and twenty seven times. |
Bump...I will post joke after I read all these!
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An uplifting Story FOR CHRISTMAS There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf . One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?' He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch. Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming. |
CHET... THE CHRISTMAS PARROT
One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet. He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..." The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." |
Elton John and David Furnish wanted a baby. They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated. When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming. In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...." |
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called, "sexual intercourse", it's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.' |
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... :D |
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