Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

... ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

——

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman, and a hooker with diarrhea?









The oysterman shucks between fits.

31 things that you will never hear a Southern boy say
 

31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae.....darlin'



AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:



1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it this way. I'm the bread winner of the family so lets call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll call her the Working Class and your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the key hole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of Politics now." The father says," good son, tell me in your own words what you think Politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

A priest and a rabbi go camping one weekend. On the first night, after dinner, they are sitting by the campfire smoking cigars and sipping Sherry. The priest says, "Isn't this relaxing? All we need now are two little boys." The rabbi says, "Two little boys? What for?" The priest says, "To fu*k." The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

Andrew Dice Clay to a guy in the crowd:

"So is she your girlfriend? She is? Is she pretty good in the sack? Yeah? Ever wonder how she got that way?"

It's very funny.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking fo...r some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she!

Subject: Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainier contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wt.!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor . ( Julius Seizure , I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. ( OMG )

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head

Son asks Mom: "May I take our dog for a walk?" Mom: "I don't know. Daisy is in heat. Ask your dad."

Son to Dad: "May I take our dog for a walk? Mom said Daisy is in heat and I should ask you." Father takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, scrubs Daisy's butt with it, and says: "You can go now but keep the dog on the leash!"

Son returns without any dog on the leash. Dad: "Where is Daisy?" Son: "Daisy ran out of gas about halfway down the street. But don't worry, another dog is pushing her home."

Bar Joke........
 

An illegal alien, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up and says:



What can I get for you, Mr. President?

Guy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?


Guy: NAH... SHE'S NOT THAT UGLY!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little
embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

- "An ambulance just drove by!"

- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

- "Matt's riding a new bike!"

- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

- "Jason is on his skate board!"

- After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

A southern West Virginia preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

The Pope dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300.

He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Waddyah want?"

"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 68 years of godly works and thought I should check in here."

The watchman checks his clipboard and says,

"I ain't got no orders for you here. Just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in the morning.."

They go to an old WWII barracks, 3rd floor, open bay.

All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors.

The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping.

He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building.

The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti.

In the back seat sits a Navy Chief; his Aircrew Wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a can of San Miguel beer in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with magnificent halos.

This sight disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-at-Arms shack and says,

"Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with 68 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this Navy Chief, who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"

The Master at Arms calmly looks up and says,

"Hey, we get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Navy Chief before.

The Hair Cut
 

The Hair Cut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


Dad's reply?

'So son.....did you also notice.....they all walked everywhere they went???'

:p;):D

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus Jack.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the **** out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job." :D

Well I'll be damned.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He **** my pants too".

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

At a wedding reception recently someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand next to the one

person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday.
8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.
9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lavender bath oil.
10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00PM Nap.
4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.
4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00PM Hot shower.
10:30PM Make love.
11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

The Perfect Day for Him:

6:00AM Alarm.
6:15AM Blowjob.
6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.
7:30AM Limo arrives.
7:45AM Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport.
8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ)
9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45AM Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
2:30AM Limo back to airport (Bombay martini, shaken, 2 olives).
3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
6:45PM ****, shower and shave.
7:00PM Watch CNN, Iran government overthrown, elections held.
7:30PM Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20oz NY Steak.
9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.
9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).
11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45PM Bed (alone).
11:50PM 12 second,4 octave fart,..... dog leaves room.
11:55PM Sleep.

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs "that Americans are not willing to do".

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

:eek::eek::eek:

A man lay dying in the hospital. His wife is there with him and he senses the end is very near. He asks his wife for one last blow-job. Wife replies, "I'm sorry dear but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton .

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:...... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist..
Clinton:...... Bill is a bs artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:...... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.

Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelery.
Clinton:..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."