John Glenn
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – that every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.

Prince Philip
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan
The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

W.H. Auden
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.

Steve Martin
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Doug Hanwell
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A friend at an excellent Thai restaurant this past weekend.

Waitress: Do you have any questions?
Coworker: Who shot JFK?

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't need a fishing license.

The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says "you definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."

The man says "oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."

"Pet fish?" Replied the wildlife officer

"Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."

The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says. "I've never heard such a. Well I've got to see this."

The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.

The wildlife officer says. "Well, call them back. "

The man says "Call who back."

The wild life officer says "your pet fish."

"What fish?", replied the man.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wF7kHrNNKVk?si=Kqd04sKJO7IvQFpb" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Guy goes to England for a football game, and gets lost, and REALLY had to take a whiz. A Bobbie [English Cop] catching him mid-unzip, "Here, here, what's all this then?"
"Sorry, I've REAAAALY got to take a leak!"
"Well, why dinnnt you say so, come over ear'."
The Bobbie leads him over to a quite well-kept garden, with lots of beautiful flowers. "Just have a go here' mate"
The guy stands and let's fly a torrent of urine, and expels a sigh. He exclaims, "What is this place?"
The Bobbie say, "Ah Mate. This is the garden...of the French Embassy."

Saw on a Youtube short
 

Wife:

"Since you're going to the drug store, why not pick up something that will make you hard."

Husband:

"Sure thing." (He gets back and hand HER the pills.)

"Hey, these are diet pills!"

"Exactly."

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

a young man and his new girlfriend are getting hot and heavy
on the couch when he wants to go further.
"come on," he says, "let's do it."
"no. i don't want to - not yet."
"come on, please." he pleads.
another no.
"okay, i'll tell you what. how about if i put in only the tip?"
"only the tip?" she says.
"yeah, i promise. just the tip and that's it."
"we'll if you promise that that's how you want to do it then that should be okay."
so off they go and things are progressing rapidly when
he can't help himself as it just feels too good and so he puts it all the way in.
he's all the way in now and she says, "oh god that feels great!
just go ahead and put it all the way in."
panicked pause.
then - "oh no no," he says quickly,
"a promise is a promise."

Guy say to girl lets go back to your place. She says no, my mother would be worried. He says OK, we'll go back to my place instead and let my mother do all the worrying.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say "that shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering “you seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says “hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?" “Oh, those are the peanuts” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

Single guy goes on a cruise with supermodels. Ship sinks, and he's on an island with <insert supermodel> with Cindy Crawford. The realize they are stuck, so set up 'house' and things go well for a while, and they live together in sexual bliss for months, until...

Guy: Feeling kinda lonely, Cindy.

Cindy: What wrong?

Guy: Well, I miss hanging out with my guys

Cindy: I can help! I did some acting, so pretend I'm 'one of the guys.'

Guy: Great! Okay, let me start..

Cindy: Okay (ahem) "Hey, how's it hanging?"

Guy: You'll never believe it! Guess who I'm banging!!

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.”

The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”

Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”

The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”

Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”

The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

^ When SNL was worth watching. Thanks.

Me: What's wrong?

Him: I can only go to sleep if I lie on a pile of old magazines.

Me: You must have back issues.

Friend: “What are you doing this weekend?”

Me: “Having a pool party and BBQ for 200 of my closest friends. Why are you doing?”

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

My granddaughter asked:
" How do you keep a bull from charging?"

"Unplug him."



Fifty years ago, the answer was,"Take away his credit card." I guess we have to change with the times.

Best
Les

Why did a bear carcass end up in Central Park?

The guy remembered he hadn't paid for carrion when he booked his flight.

Best
Les

RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726987953.jpg

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726988661.jpg

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed: Desperate


The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad progrm that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck
Tech Support

Guy tried online dating to meet someone nice.

Girl and him had been emailing and messaging for some time and decided to meet up.

Girl: "So obviously we quite like each other. Now for the big question, how many people have you had sex with?"

Guy: "Three or four, probably more like three actually."

Girl: "Me too, it's been quite a slow week."

The "fat cow" cartoon on the cartoon thread reminded me of this true story.
My wife was teaching a lesson in her grade 6 class when a student from another class came to the door and asked,"Mrs.GS, do you have a broom?"
She replied,"Sorry. I drove my car this morning. "
The kid turned away to continue his quest and there were a few chuckles from the class.

Best
Les

a baby seal walks into a club.

My buddy suggested we go clubbing. I wasn't sure what he meant. Then it hit me.

Best
Les

Having an outer space party. It's hard to plan it.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you
were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

*

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

*

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

*

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

*

"Yes" says the man.

*

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

*


"We're getting granite counter tops.”

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ With a big smile, the woman replies, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/3-yg20QJyDU?si=BTIzNtbAO86bAWNK" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>

"I see" said the blind man as he spit into the wind, "it all comes back to me"

<blockquote class="tiktok-embed" cite="https://www.tiktok.com/@bj_brophy1979/video/7404243510741716230" data-video-id="7404243510741716230" style="max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px;" > <section> <a target="_blank" title="@bj_brophy1979" href="https://www.tiktok.com/@bj_brophy1979?refer=embed">@bj_brophy1979</a> <p>🚩🚩🚩</p> <a target="_blank" title="♬ original sound - Jojofromhouston" href="https://www.tiktok.com/music/original-sound-7398301644187896606?refer=embed">♬ original sound - Jojofromhouston</a> </section> </blockquote> <script async src="https://www.tiktok.com/embed.js"></script>

So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight". She said: "Try it with the tongue out" I said "It'th nho ghood, itth thill thoo thight".

What can you take and have, but you can't give?




You know the answer. ;)

Best
Les

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wF7kHrNNKVk?si=k_eg-dO4PiIvB895" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1745155693.jpg
After moving to the U.S., a Chinese doctor struggled to find work in a hospital. So, he opened a small clinic with a clever sign out front:
“Treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”
One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “What a scam… but hey, easy money!” He walked in confidently.
Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22. Three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer: “Bleh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Congratulations — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Annoyed but determined, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, Box No. 22 again. Three drops.”
Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”
Doctor: “Wonderful — your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”
Now thoroughly frustrated, the lawyer made one last attempt to win.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry. I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s your $100.”
The doctor handed him a $20 bill.
Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute… this is just $20!”
Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

Why did the rabbit go to medical school?







He wanted to become an ether bunny.

Happy Easter
Les

A joke my grandfather told me.

Guys who are bald at the front are great thinkers. Guys who are bald at the back are great lovers. And guys who are bald all over just think they are great lovers.