Why do Mary Kay sales women walk funny? Because their lipstic....

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

The easiest way to tell an alligator from a crocodile is to note whether you see it later or after a while.

Best
Les

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "Ahve got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens, Ahve even bought a kilt tae be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

Doctor tells male patient to take off clothes.
Doctors says an erection is totally normal.
Patient says I’m not getting an erection.
Doctor says I’m not talking about you.
Steve Sweeny

Q: How come a bicycle can't stand up by itself?

A: Because it's two tired.

I was going to tell a salt joke, but then I was like
Na, they aren't smart enough to get it.

GRANDSON: Why did the chicken cross the road?

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?
Francium.

Well, that's really just a sodium joke.
A salt joke is much more compound. ;)

sick^^^^
and sorry for the pun, but also in bad taste. :D

Friend #1: Hey, if you went on a camping trip, and woke up the next morning , with a used condom inside of your rectum, would you be inclined to tell anybody about it ?
Friend #2: No, way, too embarrassing , I would definitely keep that to myself
Friend #1: Wanna go camping ?

Last night it snowed....
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - My feminist neighbour asked me why I had not made a snow woman.
8:15 – I gave my snowman a sex change.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour then complained about my snow woman's large bosom saying that it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The lesbian couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and said that I should have made two snow women, so I made my snow woman a partner.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow individual with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot noses, as vegetables are food and not to be wasted to decorate snow figures.
8:28 – Black Lives Matter turned up and called me a racist because the snow couple were both white.
8:30 - I used food colouring to make one of the snow couple a different colour to be more racially inclusive.
8:37 – I was then accused of the even worse offense of applying black-face to a white individual.
8:39 - The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow women be dressed in burkas for the sake of their modesty.
8:40 - The police arrived and read out the list of complaints that had been made against me.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour returned to complain that the broom that the snow woman was holding should be removed because it depicted women in a purely domestic role.
8:43 - The local council Equality Officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 – A TV news crew showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow women. Jokingly, I replied, "Snowballs". The female news reporter denounced me as a sexist pig.
9:00 - I was on the TV news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 – The police asked if I had any accomplices. My children were then taken into care by Social Services.
9:29 – Far-left protesters, offended by everything I’d done, marched down the street demanding my arrest for hate crimes.
9:45 – By now the story was all over social media. My boss called and fired me because of the negative association with his company.
10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a freakin snowman

Joe goes on a 'singles' ocean cruise and supermodel Cindy Crawford is making an appearance. Ship hits a storm and sinks, Joe makes to a nearby island, and discovers he and Cindy are the only survivors. After a week or so of hoping for rescue, they agree to set-up house and become a couple. A few weeks later, he is depressed...

Cindy: What's the matter dear? You look down.

Joe: Well, I'm totally happy with our life together, but sometimes I miss my buddies.

Cindy: Well, how about I pretend to be one for you? I did some acting...

Joe: Really? That would be great! Okay, you pretend to be my buddy Ralph.

Cindy: Okay, let's see. "Um, so hey Joe, what's going on?"

Joe: Ralph! You'll never guess who I'm banging!

An older woman is begging her daughter to let her young son to come visit her in Miami Beach. The mom is reluctant, but the woman insists; "I'll watch him really close. You won't have to worry." So, she picks the kid up and they head out for a day at the beach. They are walking along, when a freak wave sweeps the boy out into the water. The woman cries, "Oh Lord, please give me back my grandson! I'll pray to you every day, and give more the church!" Another wave quickly washes the unharmed boy back on shore. The woman looks him over carefully, then arms folded, looks up to the sky and says "He had a hat!"

Why was there a smile on the snowman's face?

He saw the snowblower coming up the street.

Doctor: You have an enlarged prostate.

Patient: I'd like a second opinion.

Doctor shoves two fingers in.

Anybody know Yoda's last name?



Layheehoo!



I'm here all week.

How’s the veal?

How quickly a thread devolves. :D

Devolve, you say?

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!

What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!

What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!

Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!

How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

^^^ You win! SmileWavy

Some of those sound like Rodney's sayings...which is great.

Alphabetized by topic:http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1644279331.jpg

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun, Jack got down, Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.;)http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1644283516.jpg

A Church Minister, a Priest and a Rabbit walk into a bar.

The barman says to the rabbit "What are ya havin'?"

the rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect."

A priest, rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender, (Yiddish accent) asks "wash is dis? The start of a joke?

A Irishman, a Scotty and a Britt walk into a bar, the Irish orders 10 beers, the Britt orders 11 beers and the Scotty had a good night...http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1644337952.jpg
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1644337969.jpg

The old farmer had a wife that always nagged. Nag nag nag, non stop, everyday.
One day he was out plowing his fields with his mule and his wife came to see him with his lunch, as she always did. As soon as she got there she started nagging. Nag nag nag. She was walking around and got too close to the mule and it jumped up and kicked her in the head. Killed her on the spot.

At the wake, the priest noticed the old farmer talking to a bunch of ladies and he kept shaking his head up and down, up and down, up and down. Then the farmer went over to talk to a bunch of men. there, he just kept shaking his head back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Once most of the crowd had left the priest approached the farmer and asked him what the ladies were talking about. He said the ladies commented on how well she looked, how nice her hair was, and what a lovely dress she was wearing. The priest then asked about the men.
The farmer said the men were asking if the mule was for sale.

Putin visits a fortune teller and asks her what will happen in the near future. She says; "I see you riding in a limousine through a large crowd, the people are happy, laughing and cheering, jumping for joy, hugging each other and all have big smiles on their faces!"

Putin asks her; "Am I waving at them?"

No she says, the coffin is closed!"

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...c29df1ad94.jpg

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some ******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Three Bulls on the ranch watch a truck & trailer pull up and the gate opens up. The biggest bad ass Bull they ever seen comes down the ramp. First Bull says; I might have to give up some of my cows. Second Bull says the same. Third Bull is pawing away at the ground and acting crazy. The other two Bulls say; what's up with you? Third Bull says; I just want him to know I'm a Bull.

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

Sure 'nuff Preacher joke seen just yesterday from a video of a 90's sermon by a most respected (Baptist!) Preacher in all of Jackson Mississippi:

"The Lord came to Adam and told him "Adam, I am going to give you a partner. Someone you can trust. Someone that will be by your side always. Someone that will help you out in this life and make life easier, but it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam replies: "What can I get for a rib?" !

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of

your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate

a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement

of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about 5 minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said: “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

A man was conducting an All Service member briefing one day, and he posed the question: “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A Sailor said, “I’d step on it.”

A Soldier said, “I’d hit it with my boot.”

A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”

An Airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a tent in my room.”

Edit: I may have already submitted that one earlier…can’t remember and too lazy to go through and check.

The dog ate my Scrabble game. I've taken him to the vet but no word yet.

^^^ He's not sure how to squeeze out the Q yet.
He wants the 10 pts.