To Shoot or Not Shoot. . .

A man returns home a day early from a business
trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe
into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and
yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with
another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money”
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our Country Club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him back up with
that blanket before he catches a cold.'

IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

How about a joke thread?
 

A wealthy elderly woman kept going back to the plastic surgeon for a face lift after another.
Although happy to take her money, the surgeon had enough and told her: how about if I install a knob on the back of your head, and every time you need a tune up, turn the knob a little.
Months went by and finally the lady came back for checkup: Doc all is good, I have been using the knob frequently but I do not seem to be able to get rid of these bags under my eyes!
The doc looked at her face closely: lady these are your breasts!
Ooh she said, now that explains the goatee!



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God enjoys a good laugh!
 

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

The police came to my house last night and showed me a photo. "Is this your wife sir?" they asked. "Yup it sure is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the officer tells me. "I know that" I replied "but she's good with the kids".

If you took all the pickles eaten in a year and laid them end to end - People would think you were Crazy....

Horrid language. Be advised. Only 34 seconds though.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rFjIGhyEl64" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

"In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge mansion with a carbon fiber sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Porsche flag, and in every window, a Porsche crest. Enzo looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, ,but I have a question. I have a good manufacturer; my cars won Le Mans and F1 championships. Why does Ferdinand Porsche get a better house than me?" God chuckled and said, "Enzo, that's not Ferdinand's house, it's mine!"

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of a Democrat."

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around to see Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere and both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator, let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish and climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it', said Leroy.

The host then said, 'Man, I have to give you something...you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it', answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something...that was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Leroy said no.

Confused, the man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want'?

'I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the pool!'

That's gotta be the best one in the last dozen pages!!^^^ Thanks.

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart” she responds.
Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

This is the story of the young blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a Totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."

I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?

"With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

How about a joke thread?
 

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A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
“How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you question further…...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So Ahmed
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

Hoofin'
 

Bob moves out to the country onto a large acreage. One day he goes out to hunt ducks form his marsh. He tracks one as it flies over and lets a shot go. The bird falls out of the sky and lands to the ground. Now Leroy, his neighbor is out on his land and sees the duck fall from the sky to the ground. Leroy comes running to the site of the kill and claims the bird landed on his property.

“That’s my duck!” Claims Leroy

“How so? I shot it out of the sky!”

“Maybe so, but it landed on my land.”

“I don’t understand how that makes any difference. I shot it. It’s mine!”

“Look, ‘round here we have a way to settle these things. We call it ‘Hoofin’!”

“What the heck is Hoofin?!”

“That’s where we take turns hoofin’ each other in the nuts until one guy gives in”

Bob’s never heard of this before, but being new to the country and its’ ways he figures he can take a kick in the groin as good as he can give it!
“Allright then!” declares Bob. “Let’s settle this the Hoofin’ way!”

Leroy instructs Bob: “I’m makin’ the claim on my land, so ‘round here my claim, my land, I go first”.

Bob readies himself for the kick… Leroy winds up, kicks Bob in the nuts with all his might, and he goes down hard; on his knees, over on his side, holding his groin and moaning in pain. A while goes by when Bob finally gets his breath and manages to get back on his feet.

Now with revenge in sight Bob moves to get a good footing: “All right! My turn!”

Leroy: “Nah… keep the duck”

Here's someone I can identify with......


An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and returns after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak: I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" and hands him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back. That will be $500."

Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people angry. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
 

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


.

What is the difference between light and hard?

A man can sleep with the light on.

I was walking through the city the other day and came upon an "Islamic Book Store."

Wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, I went in. As I was looking around, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. So I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F**k off, get out and stay out!

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

How about a joke thread?
 

A teacher went around the classroom asking each kid to stand up and tell the class what their dad did for a living.
"my dad is a civil engineer who build bridges" ....."My dad is pharmacist who dispenses medications to sick patients"......."My dad is a police officer who prevents crimes" etc, All students spoke except for Bobby who kept silent.
Teacher: So Bobby what does your dad do for a living?
Bobby: my dad is dead.
Teacher: I am so sorry, but what did he do before he died?
Bobby: he turned blue and crapped on the carpet.


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One liners:
Great Quotes on Sex


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers



Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

An elderly woman who never married but made a fortune for herself finally decided she wanted the company of a man. She insisted he be close to her age, but had to be a virgin. She hired a team of investigators and matchmakers, and after months of searching, they had the guy.

He was a recluse in Australia, and after some discussions, agreed to meet the woman and they developed a relationship. After a few weeks, she popped the question, and he agreed to marry her. On the honeymoon, she excused herself into the bathroom to change, and heard some noise from the bedroom area.

When she came out, the old guy had moved all the furniture up against the walls and there was a large open space in the middle of the room. He was standing in the middle, stark naked and fully aroused.

The old woman could not believe what she was seeing..."What the hell are you doing?" she cried.

He responded, "Well, like I told your guys, I have never had sex with a woman, but if it anything like a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Ano and Wayno were brothers up in da UP of Michigan. The Antilla brothers of Ishpeming. One was da volunteer fire chief but nobody really knew which one.

Anywho, dere was dis big fire up in Ishpeming. A rich guy's building was burning that had a lotta important drawings and contracts and stuff in it. All the fire departments from all over were fighting da big fire but losing the battle. The rich guy says, I'll give $10,000 dollars to whoever puts out this fire and saves my important papers!

Den allofasudden Ano and Wayno, the Antilla brothers of Ishpeming come racing down the road in their decrepit old fire truck. They crashed through the barriers and drove right into the middle of the huge conflagration.

With alotta yellin' and screamin' and who knows what all Ano and Wayno finally put out the fire and saved the papers.

After the fire, Ano and Wayno, the Antilla brothers from Ishpeming, were sittin on a log all exhausted and smokey and covered with soot so the local TV guy goes up to Ano and says, you are heroes, what are you going to do with the money?

Ano says I don't know, ask my brother Wayno here.

So Wayno looks up and says, well da first ting were gonna do is fix da ****ing brakes on dat ****ing truck!

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

First off, I am or will be okay. I had a terrible accident today, but I am doing better now. I decided to go horseback riding, which I haven't done in a while because of the weather has been so unpredictable. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster, and then we were going as fast as the horse could go. All of a sudden I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank goodness the store manager at Target came out and unplugged the carousel.

A foursome of male Street Rodders, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big
breasts and wore very short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the rodding buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had
many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was
excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace,
and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the
disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters
because they had never been there.

"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed the wife. "I'm really disappointed!"

"You can hardly blame me," answered the husband. "It's not like I was getting any sex from you.”

"Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”

Confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
..........................

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

.............................

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?


"Aye, Matey!"



(Or maybe it was "I'm eighty." Hehe, get it? Get it? Hehe.)

The teacher was trying to explain the vascular system to a class of elementary school students.

He posed the question, "If I stand on my head, all the blood rushes to my head. Why doesn't the blood all rush to my feet when I stand up again?"

Came the response from the back, "'Cause your feet aren't empty."


Best
Les