How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

The agony of getting old...



After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my old friend, Mike.


He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back."

[GH85Carrera]

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, marched up and down a steep hill, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake" Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Places I have and have not been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go,
and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I amin Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I've been in Deep$chit many times: the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[recycled sixtie]

Passengers were waiting to board their flight in the departure lounge. The
passenger agent at the desk announced, "ladies and gentlemen flight 444 is delayed two hours for a mechanical reason" . A man comes running up to the agent and obviously is indignant about the delay and says, "do you know who I am ?" The agent picked up the mike and thru the pa says, "ladies and gentlemen we have a man who does not know who he is, can somebody come up and identify him!"
Cheers

[GH85Carrera]

If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

answers below















Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert!!

[pwd72s]

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

[Flieger]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

The tower would never call it height. Altitude. And if they had radar they would have the position relative to the tower. You would need to know position relative to what point. Not all planes have GPS so a Piper cub would not know where they were other than about a mile away from the river and near the big tree. More likely the tower would be asking for heading and altitude.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by Flieger

The tower would never call it height. Altitude. And if they had radar they would have the position relative to the tower. You would need to know position relative to what point. Not all planes have GPS so a Piper cub would not know where they were other than about a mile away from the river and near the big tree. More likely the tower would be asking for heading and altitude.

Uh...this is a JOKE thread...translation...stories being told may not be true, but they are supposed to be funny. A JOKE thread...get it?

now...a joke! Probably didn't really happen...


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Uh...this is a JOKE thread...translation...stories being told may not be true, but they are supposed to be funny. A JOKE thread...get it?

now...a joke! Probably didn't really happen...


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

Perfect Paul. Yes this is a Joke Thread. It is not supposed to be based on true stories. Anyone that ever had a brother knows your joke rings 100% true!



--------------------------

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, 
Canada

[Racerbvd]

No longer confused
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State,City,County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today,I overheard two farmers talking,and one of them said he had hired
a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

WHAM!!! It all came into focus.Now I understand what all those agencies are
doing to us.

you are now just as enlightened as I am.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

When your kids ask you why they have to study, work all their life and make money...

Show them these pictures of Flavio Briatori – Head of Renault F1 team






And then explain:

This is a hate relationship: He hates being lonely and she hates poverty!

I hope this isn't a re-post.
Cheers
JB

[Baz]

[BE911SC]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye's-911T

Old man with money hires a hooker to accompany him to the beach for a few photos. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

[Hendog]

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk,
telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the E100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the E100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works

[cmccuist]

Now if we could just find a German tourist with $15 trillion...

[GH85Carrera]

WHY PEOPLE HATE CLASS REUNIONS

Cathy, Sue and Jane haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Cathy arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Cathy in a glass of wine.

Then Jane walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Cathy explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Bill, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Bill is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clint, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Jane explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ted. They run a tropical bird park in Memphis and grow their own vegetables. Ted can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Cathy blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clint are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Jane admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[shbop]

OLD VERSION

The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up
supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.

The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN
VERSION

The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not EasyBeing Green...'

Occupy the Anthill stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall
overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake,

while he damns the ants.

President Obama condems the ant
and blames
President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher
Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight..

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
exclaim in an interview with Larry
King that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair
share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated
by the Government GreenCzar
and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food
while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to
be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house,
now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous
and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2012.

[pwd72s]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a
man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[GH85Carrera]

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".


The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw a diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it? And I didn't have money that time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day' ?"


Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes, I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."

[oldE]

A guy logs onto a Porsche board and starts a thread entitled:
"Talk me out of buying a Cayman...."














Forget it. Completely unbelieveable.

Best
Les