Heroic PETA Operatives Save Bunny

[Jeff Higgins]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39180

Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit
March 19, 1997 | Issue 31•10

NORFOLK, VA—In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.

An elite squad of PETA commandos rescues a floppy-eared rabbit (center) from Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, facility. Forty-nine researchers were executed in the raid.
"Never in my life, not even during my tour of duty in Korea, have I seen such carnage," tearstruck Couture CEO Herman Frankel said, surveying the carnage. "My God, what will I tell the families of the victims of this massacre?"

According to the handful of survivors of the raid, Couture workers were first immobilized by gunshot wounds to the knees before being shot execution-style in the back of the head. PETA officials assured that no animals were harmed during the destruction of the complex.

The rabbit, a floppy-eared, speckled gray longhair with an adorable pink nose, was being used by Couture as part of an eyeshadow-allergy research project at the time of the rescue.

"Look at the cute bunny," said PETA commando Shirley "No Mercy" Dorn, a Norfolk-area petcare volunteer and leader of the PETA strike force. Lovingly cradling the rescued rabbit as she walked past the charred and dismembered bodies of its captors, she added, "Look at his nose! Look at his nose!"

In addition to the 49 executed, some 150 other animal researchers were savagely beaten. "They're lucky they escaped with their lives," PETA field marshall Donna "Skull" Saunders said. "Those who survived with only severed limbs got off too easily. They were probably putting itchy-powder in Flopsy's big, beautiful eyes."

Adressing the rabbit, Saunders continued: "Who's got a little powder-puff tail? Who? Who? Oh, yes, you do! Oh, yes, you have a furry little puffy-tail!"

She then fed the rabbit a carrot, causing its adorable pink nose to wiggle up and down, up and down as it chewed, making cute little chewy-faces.

In a statement released Tuesday, Couture Cosmetics maintained that, though the rabbit in question was being used for research purposes, the company has adhered to a strict "cruelty-free" policy since 1992, and that the rabbit was "at no time subjected to any pain or discomfort."

The aftermath of a 1995 PETA raid on a Gillette testing laboratory.
"That old line? Don't try handing us that," Saunders said in response. "Those filthy barbarians probably were sticking Mr. Bunny with needles and all sorts of things. They were human garbage who got exactly what they deserved: swift, merciless extermination at the hands of trained professionals." Turning her attention to the rabbit, she added, "Didn't they? Didn't they?"

In addition to liberating the rabbit, PETA commandos seized an office-cubicle plaque with a picture of a panda bear and the words, "I Hate Mondays."

"Look at Mr. Panda-Tummy," PETA operative Warren "Death's Head" Pleth said, holding the plaque. "Look at Mr. Fatty-Fat Panda Man."

An attempt by the families of the Couture Cosmetics victims to bury their loved ones was met with equally savage resistance from PETA commandos, who strafed the mass funeral procession with machine-gun fire before spraying the cemetery with explosive flaming phosphorous gel, scattering the assembled mourners and killing seven.

"The holes they were digging in the ground threatened to disturb the habitat of a native population of moles," an official PETA statement read, "Moley moley, mole mole. Are you a little digger? Oh, yes, you are!"

On Tuesday, PETA officials supervised the rabbit's release back into the wild where, within minutes, it was chased down, torn to pieces and fully devoured by a fox.

Despite the extreme cruelty of the fox attack, PETA officials have no plans to take action against the animal. "Foxes are lovable furry forest friends," PETA president Joy MacInnis said. "Not like the hairless, human, animal-hating scum who so richly deserve to get their skulls smashed in with the back end of an automatic weapon."

[dhoward]

PETA = People Eating Tasty animals

"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" - Homer Simpson

[Drago]

I love the onion. Just wanted you all to know that.

[Jared at Pelican Parts]

PETA is a bunch of goddamn hypocrites.

[dhoward]

You just don't understand them.

[ckissick]

A group of PETA folks was recently arrested for illiegally killing dozens of cats and dogs after taking them in from their owners. The PETA people said they would find new owners, unlike the typical animal shelters, who euthenize them if they go unadopted.

I guess this group would more accurately be called People for the Illegal Treatment of Animals, or PITA.

[nostatic]

and here's another story...coincidence?!?!?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

Enlarge Image
Pittsburgh, a prime target of the undead.

"When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel," Murphy said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."

Government-conducted zombie-attack scenarios described on the State Department's website indicate that a successful, citywide zombie takeover would take 10 days, but according to ZPI statistician Dr. Milton Cornelius, the government's models fail to incorporate such factors as the zombies' rudimentary reasoning skills and basic tool use.

"Today's zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," Cornelius said. "In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."

ZPI researchers noted that tens of thousands of Pittsburgh citizens live in close proximity to a cemetery. This fact, coupled with abnormally high space-radiation levels in eastern Pennsylvania and ongoing traffic issues in the East Hills and Larimer areas, led Cornelius to declare the likelihood of a successful evacuation as "slight to impossible."

"The designated evacuation routes would be hopelessly clogged, leaving many no choice but to escape by foot," Cornelius said. "Add a single lurching zombie into that easily panicked crowd and you've got a nightmare scenario."

Cornelius' model shows that after the ensuing stampede, "the zombie could pick and choose his victims," and predicts the creation of hundreds of new undead "in a single half-hour feeding frenzy."

Pittsburgh's structural defenses are particularly inadequate. The city's emergency safe houses, established by a city ordinance in the early '70s, lack even the most basic fortifications for zombie invasion.

Enlarge Image
Pittsburgh residents participate in a zombie-preparedness training exercise in 1998.

"Under the ordinance, wooden tool sheds and rusty station wagons are classified as adequate shelter," Cornelius said. "But once dozens of zombies hungering for living flesh begin pounding on the walls and driving their half-decomposed fists through the windows, sheds and cars quickly give way."

Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.

Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly outdated."

"Dr. Aurora's claims are based on decades-old zombie models," Baptiste said. "Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."

Added Baptiste: "That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is."

Evans City, PA Police Chief Gino Fulci said zombie preparedness comes down to training on the local level.

"Children need to be taught from preschool that they might have to put a bullet between the eyes of their own undead mother," Fulci said. "'Destroy The Brain' banners should be hung above the entrances of schools, churches, and town halls everywhere."

Cornelius recommends that Pittsburgh residents prepare a "go-bag" containing a Glock 17 pistol and 50 rounds of ammunition. If leaving the house is not an option, Cornelius advises residents to barricade all first-story doors and windows, and have at least one method of suicide prepared, should zombies successfully breach the home.