Anyone's marriage survived separation?

rbarton · 03-07-2006, 01:57 PM

This is pretty personal, but I'll try anything at this point to get some advice and maybe, some kind of hope. I found out 5 weeks ago that my wife was making plans to move out, and was not going to tell me about it until she was gone. I confronted her, and from that point on she has continued making plans and seemingly getting angrier and angrier with me, although I have not been confrontational and have expressed (and shown) a real willingness to change the things about our relationship she has not been happy about. She will be moving out and into a rental property we own within the next week.

Has anyone survived a situation like this and reconciled? If so, how did you go about it? I know I need to give her space right now, which was very difficult at first due to being hurt and confused. When I tried to discuss the situation with her and make anything but small talk she would get angry and say I'm being 'controlling' (her biggest complaint about me) again.

Please, any advice or comments welcome. We have a wonderful 19 month old daughter and I love her and my wife more than anything.

NICKG · 03-07-2006, 02:04 PM

i did, my wife and i are 11 years married total seperated for 2 1/2 years for the same reasons as you are going through. it all boiled down to growing up and understanding that marriage is a commitment, and a two way street. I had to realize that I was not my father and that i could not treat here the way my dad treated my mom...go see a doc...it will help immensely. My marraige is stronger now than it was ever, I feel partly that being separated had something to do with this.

jkarolyi · 03-07-2006, 02:11 PM

My folks separated for about 1 year. That's how long it took for my bull-headed father to agree to marriage counseling. I'm usually wary of shrinks, but they had a good one and IT WORKS! They have been back together for 10 years now and get along better than ever.

Suck up your pride and try a shrink if you think your marriage is worth saving (and it appears that you do).

rbarton · 03-07-2006, 02:13 PM

Thanks. I have started going to a counselor (never thought I'd be one of THOSE people), and have been to my personal doctor for treatment of the depression I've been going through. I hear you about how strong our marriage can be if we can somehow make it through this, and have mentioned it to my wife. She has agreed to hold off on filing for divorce until she can get her anger under control (she's been in therapy for a few months, mostly for other issues), but that is about the only positive thing she's been willing to agree to.

If anyone else can share their experiences I'd appreciate it.

masraum · 03-07-2006, 02:18 PM

I haven't been through this, but I believe that the worst thing that you can do at this point would be to try to keep her from leaving. That will likely just drive her farther away. Give her a bit of breathing time.

legion · 03-07-2006, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by rbarton
he has agreed to hold off on filing for divorce until she can get her anger under control (she's been in therapy for a few months, mostly for other issues)

Sounds like the therapist is getting kickbacks from a divorce attorney.

Seriously, some counselors are great. Some are intent on reading too much into things and as a consequence tend to create problems where none previously existed. I know of far too many people who went to counseling for one issue and "realized" they were unhappy after their counselor told them so. In those cases its a delicate situation as the person is really under the control of the counselor.

On the other hand, I've been in counseling a few times in my life and had nothing but positive experiences.

I wish you the best of luck.

HardDrive · 03-07-2006, 02:59 PM

I'm a child of divorced parents, and I am not hearing the kind of animosity that I saw with my parents. Not every marrige is meant to be, but it sounds like you guys still have a relationship here, on that can perhaps can be sorted out.

I was struck by the fact that you have a 19 month old. My daughter is 28 months. Having a child, especially your first, put enormous strains on your relationship. Even if you have been married for years, you have all sorts of new rolls to fill, and many of the issues involved were not discussed when you were a free wheeling couple.

My wife and I both work like crazy, and value our 'quiet time' when we are not at work. It took some adjusting (and I would argue some maturing). People need time out to do their thing. Do you ever take your child for the entire weekend, and just let her do her thing? Does she do the same for you? Is only one of you employeed, leaving the majority of the child care in the others hands?

Thats stuff that needs to be sorted, but the good news is that it CAN be sorted if you are willing.

Just my 2 cents...

billyboy · 03-07-2006, 03:14 PM

From what I hear and from personal experience, there are two schools of thought in counseling. Directed and not directed. The type we used was non directed. The counselor just asked many questions and never really said to do this or that. It was a total waste of time and money. Now, I'm sure it must work for certain types of people, but not us.I think both of us could've used somebody saying "you are doing this wrong" or "this is a good thing that you do". Instead it was left up to us to figure it out, which is where we were to start with. I wanted a judge and all we got was 1000 questions.

NICKG · 03-07-2006, 03:18 PM

the thing you need to do is be constructive. if she wants to go, let her. It will be better in the end

arcsine · 03-07-2006, 03:32 PM

My wife and I separated for about a year before we could come back together and try it again. It took personal counseling on both our parts before reconcilliation as well as marriage counseling for the two of us after. As stated by others if someone needs the space let them have it. Our reconcilliation was delayed as my wife would not give me the space I needed to clear my own head and to look at life without her in it. Ultimatley that is what it came down to was life better or worse with them in the picture.

rattlsnak · rattlsnak's Garage

This is all different for everybody obviously, but you have to realize that if she wants out, let her go. Are you willing to waste your short time on earth trying to convince someone to come back,?, or find someone who wants you for who you are? Its always harder on the person who gets shafted. I mean geez, she wasnt even going to tell you until after the fact??? She didnt tell you that there was a problem and try to work on it?

She has her mind made up.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

too much to go into here. what is she so angry about? Planning for 5 months without telling you? and you didn't realize something was up?

I'm a big fan of the right shrink. But the wrong one can screw things up big time, or at the very least waste a lot of your time. I finally found a good one and it is eye-opening.

It really depends on what both people want. First and foremost you have to work on YOURSELF. You cannot have a relationship with someone else unless you have one with yourself.

I've been separated for about 18 months now and the divorce will be final as soon as the final settlement papers get filed. I have thought from time to time about going back (I'm the one who left), but in the end there are some things that people CANNOT change about themselves. So you have to decide what your priorities are...what are you willing to deal with, and what are you not willing to compromise on. But to do that, you have to KNOW YOURSELF. And not someone else's projection of yourself...

kqw · 05:13 PM

I've have a friend tried separation but the problem was that he fell into that whole singles scene again and met a another woman. It's hard enough on a married man to fend off advances but being separated got to him.

No doubt he loved his first wife but he got out there again and met someone else. By the way it goes both ways on that.

singpilot · 03-07-2006, 05:17 PM

The answer is no.

legion · 03-07-2006, 05:24 PM

My parents got separated in '89. They spent a year apart and got back together. If anything, the marriage was worse. My mom treated my dad like a meal ticket, and nothing more. When his health problems finally precluded him from working, she left him. He died two years later.

rbarton · 03-07-2006, 05:40 PM

too much to go into here. what is she so angry about? Planning for 5 months without telling you? and you didn't realize something was up?

5 weeks, not months. What is so frustrating to me is that in the middle of January we had an mild argument that ended with my wife asking me to go to marriage counseling. I stupidly said no. Two weeks later, I found out that she was planning on leaving (after extensive communication with her best friend, who at the same time is ending her marriage). Every indication is that she started planning this after the argument 2 weeks prior. Finding out that she wanted to leave was a huge shock to my system and I immediately offered to go to counseling, or do whatever it took. She said absolutely not; it's over, and that's that.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

I just re-read your initial post. So did this come out of left field? Were there no warning signs? Or did she let you know that she wasn't happy and you just shined it on?

She's moving into a rental property that you both own? To what end? To bang some other guy? Sorry to be harsh, but if she's been making plans to leave odds are there is something cooking on the side that is helping her take off. I speak from experience.

If she is just getting angrier, my advice would be to give her the space while you get a therapist and a lawyer. And where is your daughter staying during this?!?

rbarton · 03-07-2006, 05:53 PM

HardDrive, you are absolutely right, and this is something I've tried to discuss with my wife. She has been with our daughter 24 hours a day since she was born. She was trying to start a small business in the latter part of last year, with our daughter on her hip the whole time. We have NEVER gone out by ourselves without our daughter because my wife doesn't trust anyone to watch her. I think this has played a big part in what's going on, but all of my wife's unhappiness with her life (feeling trapped and out of control of her situation) is being directed at me.

Yes, I do watch our daughter while my wife goes out, but I only started doing this a few months ago. Mostly because my wife wasn't willing to part with her for any length of time prior to that.

I really believe that the anger at me is in part a defense mechanism that makes it easier for her to leave. She has been unhappy with her life and believes that she has to throw everything out and start over. She has bought a new car, is fixing up her new place in preparation for the move, looking for a teaching job, etc. etc.

I hear you guys about giving her her space, and I have gotten a lot better about that than I was at first. She is truly the only woman I've ever loved, and this situation has made me realize just how important my family is to me. This is just so damned hard.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

Quote:

Originally posted by rbarton
t
5 weeks, not months. What is so frustrating to me is that in the middle of January we had an mild argument that ended with my wife asking me to go to marriage counseling. I stupidly said no. Two weeks later, I found out that she was planning on leaving (after extensive communication with her best friend, who at the same time is ending her marriage). Every indication is that she started planning this after the argument 2 weeks prior. Finding out that she wanted to leave was a huge shock to my system and I immediately offered to go to counseling, or do whatever it took. She said absolutely not; it's over, and that's that.

sorry man, but I fear the reality is that she has been unhappy for some time and either you didn't listen or missed the signs. Then again, I don't know you or her, but in my experience things don't just go poof...especially if you've been together for some time. But invariably poor communication sets up the fall.

In my case, I spent about 8 years getting really angry, so by the time it came to a head, it was over. I sent up a few warning signals over the years, but she never took them seriously. If I had put my foot down, maybe it would have turned out differently. But I didn't...didn't want to be confrontational. So instead I got more angry and resentful until I hit a wall and had to leave. And by that time I had "moved on" in other respects, and found some of what I was missing in the marriage. And by comparison, despite the good parts, it was missing parts that I could no longer live without, and she in all likelihood would not be able to provide. So I stayed away and got my own house in order. Still working on that, but it is a long process...

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

Quote:

Originally posted by rbarton
HardDrive, you are absolutely right, and this is something I've tried to discuss with my wife. She has been with our daughter 24 hours a day since she was born. She was trying to start a small business in the latter part of last year, with our daughter on her hip the whole time. We have NEVER gone out by ourselves without our daughter because my wife doesn't trust anyone to watch her. I think this has played a big part in what's going on, but all of my wife's unhappiness with her life (feeling trapped and out of control of her situation) is being directed at me.

Yes, I do watch our daughter while my wife goes out, but I only started doing this a few months ago. Mostly because my wife wasn't willing to part with her for any length of time prior to that.

She needs to get her ***** in order. Not sure how she's going to do that as a single parent though unless she has family around who will watch the kid. For me I was the de facto single parent for about 7 years, so once I moved out and became a "part time" (physical custody) dad, I actually had some breathing room.

But THE most important person in this equation is your daughter. You have to make decisions that are best for her. And realize that the decision might be to divorce. The one good thing about my divorce is that my relationship with my son is better than ever, as is my ex's relationship with him. But we have worked very hard to put him first in all of our plans, while balancing what we need as individuals. But in the end, *he* is the most important criteria...