children after 40

[Moses]

Originally posted by Tobra

My current spouse and I are childless, after bringing the full weight and fury of technology to bear on the problem, no joy. I can tell you there is a void in our lives, think about that too when considering your dilemma.

This may sound strange, but here goes!

Before I was a father, I would have told you that it was very important that I be the biological father of my children. At that time, my limited view of parenthood could not accept adoption as a reasonable option. Well, I have fathered 3 wonderful kids. They have the typical physical traits that resemble both mom and dad, but those traits are completely inconsequential. These kids are as different as they could possibly be and it is the differences that I love the most. They are not merely a reflection our parental genotypes. They are fully independent humans. They think, act and feel in ways not inherited from mom and dad.

Knowing what I know now, I would not hesitate to adopt children. Parenting is a function of the heart, not genetics. Could I love a strangers child as I do my own? Absolutely.

[jyl]

My friends (at least 5 families) who have adoptive children are just as happy, and the kids are as well, as my friends with biological children. Usually I have no idea who is adoptive vs biological until I am told.

[ronin]

Originally posted by Overpaid Slacker
Ronin -- ?

Saying you "don't want to" is exactly not saying you "want not to".

I may do things I "don't want to", but I won't do anything I "want not to" do.

WANT -- I want to..
MAY (but won't like it) -- don't want to..
WON'T -- want not to..

I dunno, maybe it's how I say it, but if I say "I want not to..." the listener usually gets the point that this is not open for discussion. As opposed to the possibly whiny "I don't wanna...." but then you do anyway.

/semantics

JP

hehehe. you are right. your argument is based on semantics, as I would say that "don't want to" and "want not to" are the same thing, as the "don't want to" simply implies that there are other things that I "want to" do

HOWEVER! you just touched on one of my pet peeves. I consider myself a realist, and one of the basic tenets of (my) realism is that everything a human does is from want and not need. e.g.: you don't need to eat, you want to eat because you do not want to starve. you don't need to go to work, you want to go to work because you do not want to suffer the consequences of poverty, etc. etc. and right now, I DO NOT WANT TO have children, as I DO NOT WANT TO abandon my current lyfestyle... like I always say, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do

yadda yadda yadda

[coloradoporsche]

My friends (at least 5 families) who have adoptive children are just as happy, and the kids are as well, as my friends with biological children. Usually I have no idea who is adoptive vs biological until I am told.

Take one look at my family and you'll know the kids are adopted

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Either that or someone was foolin' around with the milkman, eh?

[Tobra]

I have children from a previous marriage and foresee poor health for the wife in her autumn years. Bad genetics, too much time in the sun smoking cigarettes, too many reproductive endocrinologists tampering with things they don't understand as well as they think they do.

I believe I shall have my hands full without adopting a child, sorry if that sounds a little melodramatic

[ronin]

reason #342 out of 5000 why I won't be having any more




sorry, Steve

[artplumber]

Originally posted by nostatic
I'll offer an apparently contradictory view to my previous one (and indicative of the state of confusion I've been thrown into by my last relationship with a truly incredible woman). There is no good time to have kids. Period. You can never really have your ***** together...especially emotionally. Too many people focus on the financial aspects, where the emotional maturity is the key.

And as for having built a nice perfect life, I hate to tell you, but that is a transitory illusion. It could all be gone tomorrow. You just never know. The accumulation of stuff and fun has its place, but in the final analysis it doesn't mean much. How you have affected people does.

I'm not saying that everyone should have kids. If you don't feel it, don't do it. But also don't put too much stock in the nice lifestyle you currently have, because life has a funny way of throwing your curve balls just when you've learned to hit the heat.

Siddhartha....Much wisdom there.

Waiting for things to be "stable", "right", or whatever, is a fallacy. And then your plans may not even work out, when you "expect" to have offspring as Tobra states. That's a bitter pill to swallow if you really want children.

[artplumber]

Originally posted by Porsche-O-Phile
.... The thought of condemning the woman I love to a last few years of lonliness and anguish is gut-wrenching and perhaps the only justification I can think of right now to have children.

A terrible reason to have children, and selfish IMO. Maybe it came out wrong.

[Rad Hatter]

I divorced 8 yrs ago. 2 kids now aged 14 and 11.
Remarried 3 years ago
Just had a baby girl now 10 mths
Planning another one when the baby is 15 mths.


I must qualify that I live in HK and have a live in maid and baby sitter so my situation is entirely different as I dont have sleepless nights, daiper changing feeding except on their day off Sunday !!

My current wife is Singaporean and never interferes with my hobbies (my cars and Panerai watches), I couldnt be happier and highly recommend it. She handles the baby and I do my thing and get involved when I feel like it.
I was 48 in March my wife is 39
Go for it mate invest in permanent a helper
Cheers

Our Kids and wife

My fie , moi and and baby

My wife


Our nanny who is a godsend !!

[livi]

I am 40. Four kids between 1 and 10. Many members know my sad story, which is far from solved.

I am not handing out advice because every single individual is unique and her situation can not compare to others. Go with your gut feeling. Thats the inner little voice that, without you knowing it, already has summed up all the pros and cons and come to a conclusion. This will serve you best in the long run. If you like children and love your wife - go for it. But prepare for hard work and a significant cut down in Porsche wrenching time..

On the bright side, I have never heard of anyone regretting having a child after the fact. No more than I have heard of a boxer entering the ring aiming to come in second place.

[charleskieffner]

Originally posted by Wayne at Pelican Parts
That's pretty sad, if that's our standard these days.

-Wayne

isnt that the truth! told to me by ex anchorage female undercover homicide detective!

[bivenator]

Well fellow procreators and procrastinators, I belive a solution is at hand. I love my children and will love the next just as much. A compromise was struck between the wife and I. We will try for another but not at this time. Perhaps within the next 2 to 3 years. Hell, 40 is the new 50 right, oops meant 30 so I might as well go for it. The probability of having a crappy existence with another child is far less than the probablity of having a crappy life without. My wifes misery was palpable and the disentegration of my marriage was most likely going to occur if I continue to hold out. I guess that I will just have to make more cash to enjoy the life that I desire. The guilt of seeing my red 911 in all its glory sitting in the garage while I cry that we can't afford a baby didn't seem right. The wife never mentioned the car but I'm sure she can see it sitting there as well. Thanks for your well thought out replies. I'm sure that some will call me puzzywhipped but who the hell cares what they think. It is a decision made with self preservation in mind. Maybe I will have a son and can teach him to love the car as much as I do. ronin that picture was awesome.

[widebody911]

Originally posted by Rad Hatter
I must qualify that I live in HK and have a live in maid and baby sitter so my situation is entirely different as I dont have sleepless nights, daiper changing feeding except on their day off Sunday !!

My current wife is Singaporean and never interferes with my hobbies (my cars and Panerai watches), I couldnt be happier and highly recommend it. She handles the baby and I do my thing and get involved when I feel like it.

Now that is the way to do it! Does your wife have a sister?

[Rad Hatter]

Originally posted by widebody911
Now that is the way to do it! Does your wife have a sister?

LOL As a matter of fact she does >>>> and she's single and 29 haha !

[Overpaid Slacker]

Originally posted by Wayne at Pelican Parts
You've got to be kidding. You're recommending splitting up and upending the life of the current 2 1/2 year old because they disagree on the 2nd kid? When two people have a child, they need to make a committment to each other to stay together for the sake of the children.

-Wayne

Well, Wayne, I'm not kidding, but neither am I advocating splitting up. I'm advocating having a very serious conversation about exactly how much this child means to the wife, and exactly how much the husband wants not to have another one.

If spitting out another baby is more important to wifey than the husband is, and than their current and future is (including the interests of the 2 1/2 year old) then she's got a fundamental psychological issue (not unprecedented in broads) and they've got a big problem. She's rocking the boat, not him. This "other" inchoate child is an issue she's introducing that will destabilize the situation. In his situation, there's no way I'd cave.

So, if this urge is so strong that it's going to ruin the relationship b/c she can't let it go/deal/whatever, it's better to discuss earlier than later. Yes, people should stick together for the sake of the extant children, but if you're both going to be miserable you're being untrue to yourself and the extant child (and, arguably, the child that she really really really has to have so bad that she's willing to crater her marriage over).

JP

[nostatic]

Red, my g/f made some simliar comments. She was born in Singapore but is Chinese. US citizen though, educated in Singapore through middle school, then came to the US. She made the comment (mostly in jest, but to illustrate the differences) that if we moved to China with a kid, life would be quite a bit different due to all the excellent help we could afford.

Beautiful wife and kids btw...

[charleskieffner]

you know your truly blessed when you have a FUNCTIONAL FAMILY!

[85eurocarrera]

She handles the baby and I do my thing and get involved when I feel like it.

This strikes me a bit odd. Understand it works for you, but why dont you want to be involved more?

Maybe its just me and our difficulties trying to concieve, I am very involved and feel it neccessary to be so to have a strong relationship with our daughter. Sure sometimes getting up at 3am to console her or change a diaper can be a drag, but isnt that parenting?

That being said, we do use daycare for now, so by no means am I trying to come off as this perfect parent. Just wanted to see if that quote struck anyone else differently.

Like nostatic said, beautiful family.

Joe

[curlesw]

First ditto to what Moses said re: adoption...could not have put it any better. Also, good post Wayne...completely agree.

Second, I just turned 42 and #6 is due in Oct...our first boy. My only regret when it comes to children is we did not start soon enough...my wife and I would like more...adoption is still a viable approach and something we will pursue in a couple of years.

Last, just got the following story via email. I check Snopes and did not find anything...what a great story of a Father's love...how could you NOT want children.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.
This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

``He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain.
Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want to do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore for two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''
And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''
How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time'? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''
And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' one doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.''

So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.
Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every > weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.
``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''
Here's the video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjPrL3n63yg

v/r
Wayne C.