How Things Got This Way

[Jeff Higgins]

Author Unknown


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Qs and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement."

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlie men.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful, most intelligent land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals, of course, are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note about liberals: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

So there you have it. The most reasonable explanation I have heard so far.

[bigchillcar]

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

A point not to be taken lightly. As the beer has evolved, so have our 'wheels'.. I see your point, Jeff.
Ryan

[RallyJon]

Liberals like their beef well done?

Lime added to beer? Is this from 1992?

[RPKESQ]

If you think this has an ounce of truth, that you are as goofy as a three dollar bill. But as a herd animal, it's normal to try to find comfort and self-worth with inclusion in groups of like narrow-minded animals (liberal or conservative). These black and white liberal/conservative discussions are not very insightful or useful. I hope you posted this as a joke.

I hunt (on four continents), drink GOOD red, white and rose wine, enjoy GOOD beer (domestic or foreign) fly, have build aircraft, cars, bikes, motorcycles, ride, taught mountaineering, embrace other cultures, worked as a machinist, lumberjack, PH, bodyguard, consultant, bush pilot, dishwasher, chef and was in the military (volunteer). I can't stand religion, stupid foreign policy or GWB. I love people willing to learn and the arts and technology. By the way, almost all advancements in knowledge, science and technology, were done by liberal thinkers. I accept that I will not like or enjoy everything, but that does not make it wrong. I know the world is not black and white and neither are liberals or conservatives. I am socially more liberal and fiscally more conservative. I don't fit into your little world, and certainly would not want to.

[speeder]

I'm a liberal and I hunt and eat beaver.

[Superman]

Well said, Denis. Well said.

[lendaddy]

Originally posted by RPKESQ
These black and white liberal/conservative discussions are not very insightful or useful.

Originally posted by RPKESQ
By the way, almost all advancements in knowledge, science and technology, were done by liberal thinkers.

That's gotta be some kind of record

[Jeff Higgins]

Originally posted by RPKESQ
I hope you posted this as a joke.

That you had even a glimmer of doubt should be cause for great embarassment.

The rest of your post (edited so that no one will be subject to reading it again) demonstrates that you will probably never grasp that.

[RPKESQ]

Originally posted by Jeff Higgins
That you had even a glimmer of doubt should be cause for great embarassment.

The rest of your post (edited so that no one will be subject to reading it again) demonstrates that you will probably never grasp that.

Ah, the last word gambit! Now that makes you very special. You'll note several other posters responded in like fashion to me, based no doubt on your past postings (as I did). So, no I am not embarrassed at posting my opinion. And I gasp things just fine, without using your blinders.

[MichiganMat]

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Qs and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement."

LOL! **** you dude! Thats awesome BTW, you totally got me.

[BGCarrera32]

Originally posted by RPKESQ
By the way, almost all advancements in knowledge, science and technology, were done by liberal thinkers.

Oh yeah clearly...

[Jeff Higgins]

Originally posted by RPKESQ
...(edited for all the same reasons as the first time)...I don't fit into your little world, and certainly would not want to.

You would have to develop both a sense of humor and a little humility first.

[Nathans_Dad]

Originally posted by Jeff Higgins
You would have to develop both a sense of humor and a little humility first.

Doesn't he live in France? I think it's impossible to have humility in France.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Mildly amusing.

Although I'd disagree with the notion that all the people in the world with all their thoughts and diverse opinions can be dumbed down so conveniently into only two categories.

The two-party system divides and weakens us, not unite and strengthen us. The sooner we realize this and look at people as falling on a much larger spectrum (not just b&w) the better off we'll all be.

The attempt at humor is appreciated though - got a chuckle out of it.

[sammyg2]

ROFLMAO.
RPKESQ, duh!
Thanks for clearly demonstrating why I am not a liberal and why I don't care for the liberal lifestyle or point of view.

BTW the only thing about this little story I had a problem with was the construction workers. I know lots of them, and they are almost all liberal democrats. I think it's a union rule or something.

[wludavid]

Shouldn't something have to qualify as 'funny' to be a joke?

Just askin...

[wludavid]

Originally posted by Jeff Higgins
rodeo cowboys... athletes ... generally anyone who works productively.

When I think productive, rodeo cowboys and professional athletes come immediately to mind.

[Jeff Higgins]

Some of you are taking this way too seriously. Have a beer and relax.

[sammyg2]

Uh oh, looks like someone got his feeling hurt

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Originally posted by wludavid
When I think productive, rodeo cowboys and professional athletes come immediately to mind.

Now THAT'S funny!