o-oh, i think i am the dumb one in all my relationships.

(there is a hole in her tire)

"I keep filling it up with air and it stays flat"

My contribution is not dumb as in 'funny' but dumb as in 'the most inconsiderate thing that someone could say during this extremely sad time in my life'... My father had just passed away. We, my girlfriend at the time and myself, were at the funeral home and she felt it extremely necessary to point it out to me that she was "feeling very neglected".

I just recently celebrated my five year wedding anniversary and needless to say it was not with that self-centered floozy!

I make up my own whenever someone asks a question I don't want to answer, or just mix one up. Its amazing how many people buy it! "When the tiger is happy, there are elephants in Africa.", then they go off trying ot figure it out. :)

Same here, I guess being born ugly has it's blessings.

Here at work once a week they go around with clipboards and rate the exhibits in the museum. One of those days I get a call on the radio "what is anesthesia?"
I come back "uh, in what context?"
Her "I don't understand"
Me "relating to surgery or something like that?"
Her "I don't know"
Me "what's your twenty?"
I meet her on the floor and she shows me that clipboard that has a list of the exhibits and columns for the ratings such as cleanliness, functionality, etc, and she points at "aesthetics".

Don't get the Phish reference but I have only seen the PBS show on them. I like their music and it doesn't seem to be all much like the Dead (feel asleep at a dead concert).

The Low Tire Pressure story reminded me of this girl I used to work with. She had an older Mercedes E-class wagon. Probably was a nice car once, but she didn't take very good care of it.

Well, one afternoon, her BF gets a call: "Can you come help me? My car just stopped running in the middle of the road!"

He got there, and the engine wouldn't turn over. There was spark, nothing wrong with the belts, gas in the tank, battery and alternator were fine. On a hunch, he checked the oil dipstick. Bone dry:

"Um, sweetie, there wasn't a little red light on in the dash before your car stopped, was there?"

"Yeah, why?"

"How long was it on for?"

"I dunno. A year? Year and a half?"

He can't believe it:

"Um, sweetie, when was the last time you'd had your oil changed?"

"You have to change it?!?"

So he checked the car's service history. Last recorded oil change was when she bought the car - 23,000 miles ago.

About 3 months after a frame-off restoration on a 73 VW beetle, I was driving said beetle in Conway, NH with my then girlfriend in the passenger seat. She and I were stopped at a red light when the driver behind us, who was reading a map, rear-ended me at approximately 20 MPH. I saw the impending impact in my mirror and was standing on the brakes when we were hit, not wanting to be pushed into a busy intersection (we were the first car at the light).
A moment after the impact (which was NOT subtle) the girlfriend turns to me and says, "Did something just happen to the engine?"

We have taken the spyder replica to a couple of car shows (whenever Steve can get me to stop driving it ;) ), and I am consistently amazed at absolutely baffling comments GUYS make regarding the twin-plug ignition setup. This car is a six, the coil packs are sitting between the carbs in plain view, you guys all know what that looks like. Here are two of the comments:

1. Guy and Gal. Gal asks him "what is that" whilst pointing at the coil packs. He looks very thoughtful and then begins a LONG explanation that details how this is part of the STEREO amplifier!

2. Two Guys, one with some teeth, one with 2 teeth. Some Teeth is evidently the smart fellow... Two Teeth asks how many cylinders the car has. Some Teeth counts the plug wires out-loud. He gets confused twice and thus counts them THREE times aloud and comes up with ELEVEN!!! Some Teeth then explains to Two Teeth that the car is a ten cylinder and the eleventh wire is the coil wire...http://www.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/lol2.gif

My husband commends me on my tact in these situations. He usually just pretends he can't speak english or that he's never seen the car before and lets me handle it...
angela

fireant911 Just jogged a bad memory of a former "piece of work"

I had to put my dog down after 10 years (chow-chow) To say the least he was my closest companion through thick and thin and had a truly great personality. He developed a very rare form of spinal cancer and it progressed quickly.

When the time came I was so distressed and overcome with emotion I could barley hold it together. That evening when she came home I was in the garage..........just sitting

She comes in, looks at me and said...... "So....... how'd it go?" -I looked up in complete disbelief and started to cry.........then she comes over and I said at this moment I feel so alone in the world .

She replied......"Gee.......thanks a lot!"

One to make you cry. Two 2ndLt.s that worked for me. Both NROTC types one from NorthWestern and the other from an Ivy league school (CRS on which school).

One of our Marines had a Humanitarian TAD from Okinawa to Houston Tx. Talking to the monitor and Hums branch sending this to Hawaii was the best way to keep the Marine in while having a chance to get the new dependents (niece and nephew) lives in order, etc.

Talking to my Lt.s. “ Alright let’s see how we can get the family stuff from Houston to Hawaii as expeditiously as possible.”

NW Lt. “Sir, she can just rent a U-Haul or something and drive”.

FOG “Maura (NW lt. 1st name), just how in the F#%* do you drive from Houston to Hawaii?”

Ivy league Lt. “Sir, just like anyplace in the fifty states.”

FOG “Lt.s, explain to me how in h%&^ you can drive to Hawaii from anyplace in CONUS without putting the vehicle on either an airplane or ship.”

NW Lt. in a condescending tone “Sir, Hawaii is one of the fifty states so you can just drive.”

FOG “Turn around and look at the world chart on my wall.” “Now point to Hawaii, now put your finger on it.” Now show me the @&#^$%%& land route from anywhere to Hawaii.”

It went down hill from there.

The GF was cleaning my apartment while I was away at work, one of those nice things she used to do. But I'm sitting there at work, and the phone rings, and it's her, all distraught. Well, distraught isn't strong enough; she was in hysterics. After a few minutes, I was finally able to calm her down enough that she'd tell me what the problem was. Through her tears, she choked out that she had dropped one of my espresso glasses, and that it had shattered all over the floor, utterly unrecoverable.

Cautiously, I asked if it was one of my hand-painted demitassen that I picked up in Venice, and she said that no, it was just a plain white one. "No worries," I said, "those are a dime a dozen, easily replaceable!"

She was still sobbing. "I also dropped your crockpot! But I can glue it back together! I promise I'll fix it!"

And I'm thinking: $20 crockpot, no great loss, I don't care. So I tell her that. And she's still implacable.

So I say, "Well, I suppose I should have predicted this."

There was silence for a moment. Then, through barely stifled tears, "What do you mean?"

"Um ... you didn't see it on the news this morning?"

"I don't watch the news," she mumbled, not really crying at all anymore.

"Really? I mean, it's been on the weather all week long!" I feigned my best "incredulous."

"No, I really haven't seen it -- what are you talking about!?" Now she's not crying at all, she really wants to know what it is.

"Oh, well, gravity's up 6% today, makes it easier to drop stuff if you're not expecting it."

Long pause. "Really?" Then, just a little incredulous herself, "Is that possible?"

Blink blink. Wow.

Yeah, but its only flat at the bottom!

Driving along a local road we had driven a million times, two spots over 5km have a sign in deep yellow, 'Hidden Entrance Ahead'. I am sure you all have seen one in your time, she then turns to me and states, 'If it is hidden, why are they telling everyone?!' Open door and push.......

EX was a vegetarian.
One day we go shopping together she picks up a salami.
I ask her why she is buying a meat product because she is a vegetarian.
She says to me its not meat it’s Salami, and it tastes great with the tofu whatevever.
go figure?

This goes out to those who know the lives of Cats.

My ex-wife and get a small black kitten. She has had dogs all of her life. Me, I've had mixed, dogs and cats. She is not working (recovering from some surgery) and is home for a while. She calls me at work, all distraught.

"James, I think the cat is sick."

Well, this is a brand new kitten, and if it is sick, it is a gonner. I an't paying to fix a kitten when I can get another for practically free.

"OK, Deb, what's wrong?"

"Well, it's been sleeping all day long."

"OK, but how does it seem sick?"

"It's sleeping all day long. When a child is sick, it sleeps the whole day."

me: "It's a cat. That's what cats do. They sleep all day long. It might be awake for 3 maybe 4 hours tops."

Oh yeah, another good one.

Vegetarian girlfriend (who still ate steaks once in a while).

Me, I don't care if a person is a veg, if it is for the health reasons, but...

Me: "So, why did you turn vegetarian."

GF: "Animals are my friends and I don't eat my friends."

Me: "But you eat fish."

GF: said extremely emphatically, "Fish are STUPID animals!"

I was explaining to the G.F. how Sweden changed from driving on the left to driving on the right. I went on to tell her they were doing the same in Ireland, in two stages. Cars one weekend, Trucks the next.
She related this information to my mother... "David told you that didn't he?" says my Mum.... "Let me give you a piece of advice......."

We were in our local Pub one Sunday & the Rugby club was in there as well (I can't explain to a non-Rugby country what this means....!).
Anyway, they were buying Condoms from the machine in the Bog and inflating them over their heads.
My G.F. says "where did they get those odd balloons from?". We explain what they are accompanied by hoots of laughter.
She then makes it worse trying to recover, by saying in a VERY loud voice "WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE IN DAYLIGHT BEFORE!".

We have been married for over 20 years now......

Man, women are stupid..

Oh and from my earlier posts, here is the freak:

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1166131857.jpg

The 23 yr old

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1166131906.jpg

I can see her pussy.