A relationship question about knowing where your SO/spouse is in the evenings... - Page 5

Dueller · 01:34 PM

Sorry guys...been away from the pooter. Slack, you'll be happy to know I survived,.....LOL

OK...a few comments and an update

Many of you expressed the possibility she had her eye on someone at the party and was trying to hurry me out the door. Not so as the only people left was a gay dude, the host (an impotent curmudgeon) and his gf who happens to be one of my wife's best friends. So if those are a threat I'm in REAL trouble.

I did not go home and stew for several hours. I went to bed shortly after I got home and was not concerned that she had still not arrived in that 45 minutes or so. I understood "I'll be right behind you" did not mean "I'm leaving this moment." We both had cell phones and when I awoke at 3 a.m. I called and she immediately answered.

The alcohol issue is something we addressed in our discussion last night. My wife will have a gglass of wine or two 3-5X per week but does not drink to excess. On rare occassions (such as our honeymoon) she will get tipsy and overindulge but not as in binge drinking. She runs a restaurant/bar so she is vigilant about drinking and driving as a DUI could result in her license getting pulled. So that kinda explains her concern about not drinking and driving. However, she did acknowledge that on one of the occassions in the past alcohol in a social setting was involved in her losing track of time. So this is something she is looking at vis a vis the sunday nite incident.

Maybe its a big ol' rationalization, but it truly seems she was so wrapped up in having a night off (she works 5-6 nites per week)and visiting with her gf who she doesn't get to spend much time with that she lost track of the time and the amount she had consumed. Doesn't excuse the transgression but it was perhaps a mitigating factor.

Last nite when I arrived home she was quiet and withdrawn. I returned the mood in kind not wanting to get confrontational. Inevitably we began discussing it. Realizing that I had spent too much energy wanting to crawl all over her for being so inconsiderate, I changed the tact to "What is it about our relationship makes you think its OK to act way?" She really couldn't identify it beyond just being excited about visiting her friend she doesn't get to see that often and getting lost in conversation.

She had done a lot of soul searching and was adamant it wasn't an intentional act to hurt me. She expressed her concern over her behaviour as it affected me and our relationship. We explored the possibility it was a reaction to the commitment/constraints/adjustment of married life (we've both been divorced for 10 years.)

It got heated at times, especially when in anger she would want to change the topic from her actions to mine. By acknowledging I was open to discuss at length her problems with my unrelated behaviour at a later time, we were able to plod through this and resolve most issues and identify others we will continue to work on.

All in all, it was a productive discussion and I feel better about it today.

But that could possibly be a superficial reaction to great make up sex

Thanks all for your comments.

M.D. Holloway · 05-01-2007, 02:06 PM

this isn't over...not by a long shot!

928ram · 05-01-2007, 02:08 PM

hmmmm

Dueller · 05-01-2007, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LubeMaster77
this isn't over...not by a long shot!

No, I realize that. But, at least she is accepting some responsibility or at least acknowledging the problem.

Gotta start somewhere.

fintstone · fintstone's Garage

Get over it. People F*** up. Even people we love. She is only starting to take you for granted....just like most couples do each other eventually. Give her some kinky way that she can make it up to you and move on to something a bit more worthy of your time.

M.D. Holloway · 05-01-2007, 08:13 PM

Have her give up the butt - most girls don't like it, turn it into punishment. They feel like they paid their dues and you get some dirt hole kink. Everyone is satisfied in a completely disfunctional way!

72doug2,2S · 72doug2,2S's Garage

LOL. That's pretty funny coming from the name lube master.

Seriously, she needs to respect you and you need to love her, that's the equation.

She needs to respect you whether you are right or wrong. She needs to respect you whether you deserve it or not. That's the easy one.

Here's the hard one.
You have to love her whether you feel like it or not. It's freaking hard to do when she is dissing you. But it is your job to love her, tell you love her even when it puts a lump in your throat. It's hard but you must do it. After that you can rail her for her screw ups, but she must know you love her first.

Love is an emotion that comes and goes and comes back. But nevertheless you must pull yourself up to the task of letting her know you are doing your part.

Overpaid Slacker · 05-02-2007, 05:32 AM

I agree that these things are never solved in one conversation, and that progress (as opposed to outright resolution) is the realistic goal right now.

Further to that, however, now you've had The Conversation. When it (or something substantially similar) happens again, now you say...

"look, we've discussed exactly this topic, and I made it clear exactly how I feel. Even if you refuse to accept or respect my feelings, which evidently you do, you cannot tell me you didn't know I'd react exactly this way to these actions. We've been through this. So, evidently, your drunk time with your buddy is worth (i) endangering the relationship, knowing after The Conversation that it does, and (ii) upsetting me this much ... intentionally, because you knew it would... whether you wanted it to or not."

It's easy for a 3rd party to say "run away" or "dump her" or "take a break". I think you're probably doing the right thing right now.... but the next time (and I believe there will be a next time) there must be consequences. Now that she's on explicit, can't-change-the-subject-and-run-and-hide, notice, when it happens again there absolutely must be severe consequences, or she's got no reason to stop.

So steel yourself to that time coming. Even if it's 2 years from now. Consequences, or just give up and be cuckolded.

JP

72doug2,2S · 72doug2,2S's Garage

I think this situation is more serious than when we first thought you were the irresponsible one.

What I mean here is you can screw up and be a dick and as long as she knows you love her, it can be resolved. You have to fess up that yeah, I'm a jerk and at times I don't show you respect. That is not as bad as not loving her.

She on the other hand needs to respect you more than you need her love. Love is nice, but you need her respect more. She is the opposite, she needs your love more than your respect.

If you don't have her respect the relationship is in serious trouble.

If she doesn't have your Love the relationship is in serious trouble.