How should I handle my college aged stepson in this situation?

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by Shaun 84 Targa

If you say he's a good kid, there's only one answer: college is not for everyone.

Seriously. My brother (who was not a good kid BTW) was "forced" into the college mold and it was the worst thing for him. One year later he was in culinary school (had been cooking since mid-teens and was naturally good at it) and he is quite successful today, and happy too. You should see his ice carvings for weddings.

Point is you can waste a year of his life and five figures learning this lesson or you can pull him aside for a weekend and see what he really wants to do. Because clearly he doesn't want to be in college.

I concur with Shaun for once. College ain't for everyone and the world needs ditch diggers too. Let him go do menial jobs for bum pay for a while. That would be a good motivator for him to go back to school, pay his own way and take it seriously. If working hard instead of smart doesn't motivate him, at least you know he was never gonna make it through college anyway.

[Shaun @ Tru6]

one more thing. Don't let your ego (his mom's, dad's, grandmother's really) stand in the way of his life.

Grandma's love the "my handsome grandson in college" bragging rights down at the beauty parlor, but this should be about him and his future, not what you think he ought to be, be doing.

[1fastredsc]

As someone who's in college now, and totally screwed his first attempt at it, here's what i'd do. As far as the driving priviledge it's not necessary, during my first run at the whole college thing i had too many tickets (and later suspended my license) so i didn't drive. On the weekend my parents would pick me up from school and drop me off before the next week started, no big deal.
Now with the school itself, this may be harsh but let him find his own motivation. With the work he'll be putting into this he has to want it. My parents payed for that first embarrasing attempt at college for me. But i realized that i wasn't ready for it yet, so i took a 1-1/2 off and had fun working and doing things i'd always wanted to do. When i finally decided to go back i also payed for it myself through loans and grants (my gpa started bringing lots of grants later on) this way i knew what i was going for.
Lastly what is his major? 15 hours as an underwater basket weaver is much different than 15 credit hours of engineering courses. And if he's a first year, and is pursuing a difficult degree (like engineering) than starting with the minimum is ideal until the initial workload shock is over.

[the]

Originally Posted by Dueller

He's a good kid,

In trying to find a solution, you need to work off correct premises. Check your premises.

[the]

Originally Posted by 1fastredsc

Lastly what is his major? 15 hours as an underwater basket weaver is much different than 15 credit hours of engineering courses. And if he's a first year, and is pursuing a difficult degree (like engineering) than starting with the minimum is ideal until the initial workload shock is over.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he is not a biology, chemistry, physics or engineering major.

Something soft like "social something" "business" or "communications," or "undecided."

[MRM]

A freshman with all expenses paid plus $500 is a kid with too much time and too much money on his hands. He doesn't need the car and he doesn't need that much money. The less money he has and the more he has to work for what he gets the more skin he has in the game and the harder he'll try and the better he'll do.

As for what to do from here, for a starter he has to pay his own tickets, of course. Don't play with his license status. He'll have to straighten up and fly straight or lose his license with another ticket or two in the next 12 months, and you'd rather have him driving like he was afraid to lose his license than not having it. Second, he loses the car for the rest of the year and he doesn't get it back as a sophomore until he proves he's responsible enough to handle it. He demonstrates responsibility by taking a full load next semester and getting good grades with no further screw ups for both semesters.

And finally, with only 12 credits, he should have plenty of time on his hands. He should have the choice of finding another 3 credits quickly or he loses his monthly stipend. He can earn his own pocket money with the time he doesn't spend in the final class.

[Porschephile944]

15 hours is a typical course load for a freshmen in college. At the school I'm currently attending 16 hours is typical and some people do 20 while 12 is required to maintain full time status.

Last semester while commuting I did 16 hours and barely did any work outside of class (maybe 10 hours a week total) and got the best semester GPA I've achieved.

Tell him its unacceptable that he dropped the class and he is going to have to pay you back for it and make it up during summer or winter session, if he fails any classes he also needs to pay you back for them and make them up during summer or winter session. Find out what changes he made to his schudale, if there all afternoon classes it means that he is partying every night and wants to be able to sleep in. This model isn't conducive to doing very well in your classes.

Take the car away until he picks up 15 credits and maintains the 3.0 GPA (while taking 15 credits) that you have stipulated.

Also where is the kid going to school? Big school small school? Does it have a reputation for being a party school? Is it in the middle of nowhere or in the middle of a city and how close to home is it? All of these could have an effect on how his adjustment to his new environment is going.

This might be a sticking point but we all know what a lot of freshmen do it in college with booze (I've seen this first hand and the last thing you probably want is a letter from the department of residence with terms like "excessive amounts of alcohol" or "suspension from housing." Find out where and how he is getting the alcohol if it involves a fake ID find it and take it away because it probably going to be the biggest impediment to him being able to succeeded in college.

[legion]

Originally Posted by 1fastredsc

Now with the school itself, this may be harsh but let him find his own motivation. With the work he'll be putting into this he has to want it.

Within my first month of college, I broke up with my girlfriend (of two years at that point), lost my best friend and roommate (and haven't spoken to him since), and got into a huge fight with my parents.

It was only then that I saw that I had no one to fall back on, no one that was going to fix things for me. If I wanted a better life, I was going to have to make one for myself. Dropping out of college was going to make my life better, not worse. So I busted my ass and hit the books. That one epiphany provided four years of motivation.

[NICKG]

i do 15 hours AND have a full time job...at 36 years old. Going back top school for me is all about me...and i enjoy every minute of it. But then again, I know what is like to be in the workforce and see those with degrees and those without degrees and I know the difference in pay now...

[Rick Lee]

I took 17 credits my first semester and I has seven coming in from AP credits and placement tests. So I have 40 by the end of my freshman year. That first semester was tough, as I was pledging a frat and that was a time vampire. My folks forbade me from getting a job while in school, but I always had one the day the second semester was over. My folks paid for everything except books, which was not a negligible expense. I didn't have a car until they unloaded their beater Sable on me during my senior year. Since I had a good credit load, I was able to finish in four years, with one of those spent abroad AND my last semester I only had to go part time. And since college was cheaper than prep school, my folks really didn't bust my balls too much.

[Dueller]

Wow...lots of opinions. To fill in some of the questions.

Business major. Only basic intro classes. US History (the class he dropped), Music appreciation, Intro to Philosophy, Intro Psychology, College Algebra. With only the latter 4 left not exactly a demanding schedule. He did take Eng Comp 1 this summer at JUCO and made a 4.0. His classes begin at 8 a.m. TTh and 9:30 a.m MWF. With his new schedule he's out at 10:50 a.m. and 12:50 a.m respectively.

College ..Ole Miss. Rated the #2 party school in the nation....

When I say he's a good kid, I mean he is not a drinker (yet). We've had no indication he's into that, but its apparent he is enjoying everything the school has to offer socially...he's signed up for a number of intramurals, taking enrichment courses (martial arts, indy film history,etc), football games, women, etc. Actually, as to the drinking he's usually the DD...he likes being in control and laughing at his chitfaced buds.

He has not been forced into any of this. We gave him the option of spending the first year at JUCO or even take a year or two off doing volunteer work, Peace Corps, or working full time. Anything as long as it was productive. We let him pick the school he wanted to go to. We let him choose his major with the asssitance of advisors. I've offered input but have let him make most of his own decisions.

He worked his butt off this summer to make his spending money...[lifeguarding during the week and running his own lawn service on the weekend. Because he was able to make quite a bit, he turned down an offer to lifeguard at ole miss on work study...whne he did that, we said OK...no more funds from us except tuition, etc.

As far as taking the car away, we didn't have anything to do with him getting it. That was entirely between him and his paternal grandmother so we're not really in a position to take it away.

[DARISC]

Big diff between an 18 yr old KID and an 18 yr old young ADULT. He's apparently the former.

Pull the plug on college, let the KID find a job in the real world with the understanding that when he takes on enough personal responsibility to graduate from being a KID to being a young ADULT, he'll regain parental support if he wants to give higher education another shot.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by DARISC

Big diff between an 18 yr old KID and an 18 yr old young ADULT. He's apparently the former.

Pull the plug on college, let the KID find a job in the real world with the understanding that when he takes on enough personal responsibility to graduate from being a KID to being a young ADULT, he'll regain parental support if he wants to give higher education another shot.

Good point...BUT this semester is already paid for. I think we may need to adjust the expectations (at least from our end as my wife, his dad and paternal grandmother can't seem to reach a consensus) given his unilateral decision to drop down to this ridiculously light load. WE committed to giving him 2 semesters to prove he was serious. So what do we do if he steps up and makes a 4.0 with this light load?

[gprsh924]

I just started my sophomore year of college. I was in a similar situation to your son last year in terms of expectations going into school and the fact that my parents were (and are) paying for everything. First semester I took 17 hours which was not that hard, 15 is easy and 12 is an absolute joke (this is at Miami University in Ohio, one of the best public schools in the country). I also drank and screwed around a lot first semester and got a 2.98...not I was getting $6,000 a year to maintain a 3.0 and another $1,000 for a 3.2. When my grades came in over winter break my parents were ready to kill me. But they gave me a chance. I had to get my gpa up to a cumulative 3.2 so that I kept my scholarships. If I didn't do that then I was basically SOL. Second semester I stopped going out during the week, hit the books hard and got a 3.66 and ended up making the Dean's List for the year. So if you put the proper motivation to him, he will probably come around. for me that motivation was the thought of having to spend $35K a year to continue going to my first choice school if I didn't bring up the grades.

As for the car, the speeding tickets are dumb on his part, but the parking tickets well those can be a ***** on campus. I wouldn't even worry about those, just let him deal with it. I would think he would start paying more attention to where he can park at $30 a pop. I had my car for parts of freshman depending on my parents mood, and now I have one all of this year (unless I do something stupid, in which case it will immediately get taken away).

[Dueller]

Thanks for weighing in Garrett...I need your perspective. Let's face it...his load is just silly. And Ole Miss ain't Miami OH. Ole Miss Iis a good school but it is not MIT.

In his defense when he called to ask my advice he was worried about keeping his GPA up. But in my mind that was BS...I know what happened from hios pattern in his first round of changing his schedule and then dropping back to 12 hours: He ran into a few profs that made him scared he would have to do some work so he scrambled to put together an easy load. I even told him I didn't think he should drop since he had time to try to catch up as he can drop until Oct 5...that we would revisit it then.

In casual conversations during the last year I acknowleged college is not just an academic education but a social education as well...that both were important and the key was to find balance and enjoy all aspects of college.

I'm coming to the conclusion he's lazy and wants the easy way out.

[gprsh924]

You are probably right. I'm a decently smart kid (32 act) so I never had to work that hard in high school to do well. But high school aint college. Last year was the first time I have ever really had to work my a ss of to get an A, or even an A- or B+. The sooner he realizes that college is actually going to require some effort, the better. And as soon as I came to the realization that then next 4 years could cost me well over 100K, i stopped hitting the beer bong so hard and started hitting the books a little harder.

And in my defense to those on this board who are completely writing me off as a spoiled sob, I will admit that I have things pretty good. My parents pay for school, but I do at least pay for everything else. I worked somewhere between 30-50 hours a week this summer, saved over $3500, and I understand how hard my parents work to provide for me, and I know I'm lucky.

[Rick Lee]

Dueller, if you gave him two semesters to prove himself, but didn't specify a number of credits above 12 per, then I'd just tell him you'll keep paying as long as his GPA is good and he stays full time and after four years, the rest is on him. You need a min. of 15 credits per semester to graduate in four years. So he has some work to make up or had better prepare to get student loans for his last one or two years there.

[Dueller]

So, Garrett...what was your biggest adjustment. I would think the sudden freedom but we tried to deal with that by letting him make his own decisons and suffer consequences. For the last two years we did not hover over him...he had to get himself up for school, do his own laundry, etc. We set a loose curfew that gradually was completely abandoned by the time he was a senior as he demonstrated res[ponsibility. We only asked that he be respectful of the household and come in at reasonable hours, which he did. Actually when we completely eleminated the curfew he actually started coming home earlier. We allowed him to go away to visit campuses on his own. He had to work for spending money, gas money, insurance etc.

He got drunk while away a few times and came to his own conclusion that that was not the most productive behavior. We have no indication he's drinking or drugging but he is having quite a social life right now.

So what would get your attention to make him realize that he needs to take a full course load and take it seriously? His mom and I work long hours and she is having a bit of a problem spending $8K a year for him to only be in 12 hours of crip classes.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by Dueller

I'm coming to the conclusion he's lazy and wants the easy way out.

From you description of him I would disagree with that statement... he's a kid... he's getting his first taste of freedom and it sounds like he is testing to see how much he can get away with.

Everyone is different, some people are workaholics, some are lazy, we are all somewhere in between. Maybe if you jerk his chain a little he will fall into line.

As far as the car, as long as he is paying for the fines ($$$) that is just a life lesson he is going to have to learn.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

Dueller, if you gave him two semesters to prove himself, but didn't specify a number of credits above 12 per, then I'd just tell him you'll keep paying as long as his GPA is good and he stays full time and after four years, the rest is on him. You need a min. of 15 credits per semester to graduate in four years. So he has some work to make up or had better prepare to get student loans for his last one or two years there.

Rick...we did specify a min of 15 hours and pass all classes with atleast a 2.75 GPA the first year...otherwise he was not ready for university and juco would have to do until he proved himself. He mad a personal commitment that he was going to make at least a 3.0 with a full load (15 hours).

I went to UGA and graduated at age 20 in only 3 years with a 3,95 GPA...it busted my as taking 19-21 credits per quarter. I finished an MPA at UK while working full time in 15 months. I finished law school in 2 1/3 years by going sytraight through and taking overloads. I don't expect him to do that because I missed a lot of the college experience...especially in undergrad.


BUT 12 hours...jeeesh...that's a joke. But its done...now gotta let him know how we feel.