why do some people attract "bad" mates?

[DanielDudley]

There are girls you date, and girls that you marry.

Shouldn't be too hard to figure out once you've been burned.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by Shaun 84 Targa

People are trying to fix what happened to them when they were 8.

or in my case 0 to 15 with a special emphasis on 13.

People make bad choices because they don't know what is making themselves tick. Many just don't want to do the hard work necessary to figure that out, preferring instead to just make the same mistakes over and over again, blaming the other party.

[jhynesrockmtn]

or in my case 0 to 15 with a special emphasis on 13.

People make bad choices because they don't know what is making themselves tick. Many just don't want to do the hard work necessary to figure that out, preferring instead to just make the same mistakes over and over again, blaming the other party.

Wisdom is earned. I agree with the above. I've spent the last year on and off in therapy trying to figure out "me" and why I stayed in a sterile marriage for so long. A screwed up childhood, adoptee issues, alcoholic parents, low self esteem, strong catholic upbringing, blah, blah. Not knowing how much better it could be was a big issue. If you've never had a great partner, you have nothing to compare your bad relationship against. There are a lot of potential contributors. What I have learned is to appreciate who I am, the choices I've made, learn from them and move on and do better.

It's amazing how many people both old friends and acquaintances will open up to me knowing I'm divorced and have been seen a therapist. Two of my oldest friends have split since I did from my marriage. I tell them all, find a good therapist and work on it. Save it if it's worth saving, get out quick if not. The kids are never better off staying in a marriage for them.

Thank god my ex was only frigid and bi polar and not a meth addict.

[KTL]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Wisdom is earned. I agree with the above. I've spent the last year on and off in therapy trying to figure out "me" and why I stayed in a sterile marriage for so long. A screwed up childhood, adoptee issues, alcoholic parents, low self esteem, strong catholic upbringing, blah, blah. Not knowing how much better it could be was a big issue. If you've never had a great partner, you have nothing to compare your bad relationship against. There are a lot of potential contributors. What I have learned is to appreciate who I am, the choices I've made, learn from them and move on and do better.

It's amazing how many people both old friends and acquaintances will open up to me knowing I'm divorced and have been seen a therapist. Two of my oldest friends have split since I did from my marriage. I tell them all, find a good therapist and work on it. Save it if it's worth saving, get out quick if not. The kids are never better off staying in a marriage for them.

Thank god my ex was only frigid and bi polar and not a meth addict.

Wow. Those were some great words of wisdom and then you just flat out cold-cocked kicked me in the nuts with the last statement! LOL That's a great quote- for what purpose, I have no idea......

[azasadny]

People with low self esteem tend to be attracted to others who abuse them. I've seen this hundreds of times... Self-hatred is very bad...

[Dan in Pasadena]

Originally Posted by azasadny

People with low self esteem tend to be attracted to others who abuse them. I've seen this hundreds of times... Self-hatred is very bad...

Totally agree.

It may be hard to explain this in writing but my opinion is we all need to be very careful what we say to ourselves. Sometimes we screw up and we tell ourselves, "you're so stupid" or "I never learn, I am so foolish" etc. The reason I say this is that there is no one inside your head todefend you from YOU! That may sound weird, but we all tend to trust our instincts, our judgment...so if we say WE are the problem and there is no one to counter that point of view, we buy it hook, line and sinker. That is bad, it is destructive. We are all imperfect beings doing the best we can with the information we have at the time. Yes, we screw up and need to learn from our mistakes but tearing at ourselves is no way to learn.

[johnco]

let me be the first to admit that I was the "bad mate" or "poor choice" most of the time. I was wide open/full throttle fun and excitement for a couple weeks/months but not the best choice for a committed long term relationship. too busy being the "bad boy" all woman hate but have to have at least once before assuming the average, normal life of marriage, family and responsiblities, I didn't even notice the world changing around me before it was too late. 52 and never married, never even lived with anyone before about 8-9 years ago. finally became the man they all wished/wanted me to b back then, but everyone's gone now. missed out on the family/wife thing and all I have left are memories.. incredible, unbelievable memories though. with my history, I would be a fool to think that all of them were wackadoos and I just made bad choices.. maybe a few were macaroons, pretty sure about one or two, but it's more likely that I was their bad choice. the most fun and excitement they ever had for the first couple weeks/months, but I could never promise much more than that

[jhynesrockmtn]

Thank god my ex was only frigid and bi polar and not a meth addict.

A reference to the thread that started this one about the dude who's fiance was cheating on him and is hooked on meth. Also, unfortunately for my ex a true statement.

[Rick V]

I think that in the end we have a tendency to chose a mate that completes us. The old phrase
"opposites attract" has some truth in it.
Having been married for over 22 years, we have been through alot, and my former raging alcoholism was a very bad part of our lives. It is strange, when I was at my worst, my wife was closer to me than ever. Now I am clean, I even quit smoking and I find my wife drifting away from me. We have discussed the matter, but it is a fact.
She was married before we met and the fellow was alot like me, or I like him, which ever. Now I am a diff. person and I don't seem to be what she wants. Bad choice......................yeah on her part. I am the lucky one. I do think that she is a little miffed at the fact of having to try and get me to clean my act up, and failing, that the turning point came from our daughter. She is the reason for my changes. I just wonder how much longer we will be together?
I will say that I used to live for the "damaged" gals when I was dating, and my wife was just the opposite. Don't know what changed within me, but I got lucky I recon.

[9dreizig]

[QUOTE=charleskieffner;4200816]everyjuan wants to save the damsel in distress at least once in life. some learn from that "once" others dont.

if the chick cant reload .308 clips/bait her hooks/ wax a porsche/swab decks on a boat/screw like a mink 6 days a week/go poo in the woods in the winter/cook like a biltmore chef/figure out a 10mm wrench from a 3/8 ratchet/ lube a chain on a dirty bike/drive a quad/shoot all her rounds at the range into a ashtray size circle/feed my dog/clean up after dog/backwash/brush pool/ make chile rellenos and tamales und sauerbrautenQUOTE]

Charles, you forgot "is 4ft10in and has a flat head so you can set your drink on it...

[Rick V]

Charles, you forgot "is 4ft10in and has a flat head so you can set your drink on it...

You forgot, teeth optional