Family cottage: a pictoral guide to a sad, shameful waste

[notfarnow]

I am so upset about this, I know I am better off venting here intead getting myself into trouble by shooting off my big, fat mouth.

Background: This is my wife's family cottage, bought by my wife's grandparents (on both sides) back in the 60's. Both sets of grandparents spent their whole summers up there, heck one of the grandfathers died up there. As kids, my wife's family would move up there in early June and move back in October, mom & dad would commute to work and the kids had a sitter.

It is easily the nicest place I have ever been, it's on 3 acres of waterfront. The cottage (built in 1906) is on a point, with a private beach on one side and a small dock on the other. It has 4 bedrooms, the master bedroom looks straight out onto the river. When my wife and I started dating, we spent our whole summers up there. We were married on the front steps. It is so beautiful in the summer it's almost surreal.



Fast forward a few years. My wife's parents are split up. Despite ongoing counselling and efforts to work things out, she is estranged from her kids, to the point where she is not allowed on our property. Mom has the cottage. Unfortunately, she is off her rocker and is unwilling or unable to care for the cottage. We go up for emergencies, but we are really aren't welcome up there... the kids accept this despite the fact that the cottage is legally in the kids' names.

Anyway, as I type this the river is flooding. I went up last night to make sure things in the barn were safetly stowed. I hadn't been up there in a long time, and what I saw is just beyond comprehension. M-I-L is letting the place ROT, it is just so disgusting I want to call her up scream.

I could never show these pictures to my wife... if we even talk about the cottage she cries. These pictures would just break her heart.



Roof over the kitchen:


Water poors in, ceiling is dropping. Joists have rotted to the point where the floors are sagging and doors won't close.


On the main part of the cottage, she hired some slack-a$$ handyman to do ONE SECTION of the roof a couple years ago. He opened it up in the fall, left it open all winter, and finished it in July. The insulatiopn is soaked, paint is peeling throughout and plaster is falling off everywhere.


The eavestroughs are original, from 1906. They are SINGLE PIECES OF WOOD -some almost 30' long, doug fir, beautifully milled. For generations, owners have kept them clear so they wouldn't rot. Not anymore.


Water backs into the eaves, and even back into the cottage


The property still has its original icehouse, with 2' thick walls filled with sawdust. It used to sit about 8" off the ground, but it's somehow fallen off its "feet" and is sitting flat on teh ground. It won't lasy long like this:

[notfarnow]

The barn was built in the 20's as a workshop, with quarters upstairs for the "hired hand".

The roof needed to be done 5 years ago, but she had the inside of the main cottage painted instead (because it was peeling). Now the water runs down both the front & back inside walls.



My wife and I used to talk about finishing the barn as a guest cottage for firends and family. Now I don't even know if it will be standing in a few years.

It's just so fking sad... the whole thing. It's one of the most selfish, disgusting wastes I have ever seen. It's hard enough that we can't go up there and enjoy it, but to see it rot is just beyond belief.

My wife cries when we talk about the cottage, her childhood centered around that place. Her only concellation was that over time we will be able to go and enjoy it again, and that when we have kids they'll have the place to enjoy.

She has no idea how bad it is up there. It would just break her heart.

[berettafan]

**** mom. Take the cottage back.

We can't pick our relatives but we surely can mitigate their impact on our lives.

[KFC911]

Sounds as if the MIL has neglected a lot of things...very sad.

[onewhippedpuppy]

I tend to agree. If your mother is acting like a child, she deserves to be treated like one.

[gprsh924]

If it was in my name I would kick her out and take it back.

[Tobra]

what they said, that is going to cost a fortune to rehab. If not for the sentimental value, might be cheaper to knock the thing down and build something new

[Jims5543]

Have you considered banding all the siblings together and just fixing the place up?

I honestly have no idea what the situation is but it would almost seem like a cry for help to me.

I also do not know the financial situation of the siblings or how many there are but I would get them all the chip in ASAP to start restoring the place before it is completely destroyed.

You cannot throw her mom out on the street but you can fix up the house, it is their house technically.

[Rot 911]

I agree with beretta. Why let the mom's hatred ruin something that doesn't even belong to her? If the kids do nothing she wins! And what does she win? Ruining the lives of her children. I think you should tell your wife. Maybe her and her siblings will get the backbone to take back what is rightfully theirs. Will it hurt your wife's feelings? Probably, but 10-20 years from now she will thank you for saving that beautiful cottage. We both know that after a couple of more winters up there, there won't be anything left to save.

[notfarnow]

The spite and selfishness of that woman is beyond what I can comprehend.

As I said earlier, my wife and I were married up there 3 years ago. Back then, things were bad and we had a plan start fixing things despite the mom. But things went downhill. I'll spare the details, but suffice to say she wore black at the ceremony, went to bed afterwards and complained about the noise. My wife has never been back up there since, and I've been up when the cottage is in immediate jeapordy.

When I was up last night, one of the most shameful things was in the barn. My father-in-law's father had maintained the place for decades. He died on the beach of a heart attack when he was working on some project. Ever since, his coveralls have hung on a nail in the barn. When I was there last night I noticed right away that they were missing. I dug around and found them in the garbage, and hid them in a safe spot. I never even met the man, but that bothered me a lot.

[Rot 911]

Why would a family let one mean, spiteful woman control their future????????? Jake take charge!

[JeremyD]

Time for you to get the MIL in a nursing home - and take back the house. SOunds like she is sick to me.

Then all the sibilings can band together and have a work party - and start reliving some of those memories.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

If she is not the legal owner, get her removed/evicted from the premises. This might be difficult to do, but if things are really as bad between the various individuals as you say, it won't be much worse. One call to the P.D. or sheriff's office. I don't think they'd even have to be there when she's. . . um. . . "forcibly removed".

Do it right away. The longer she stays, the more rights she may gain to the property (squatter's rights). Delaying might make things a lot worse.

Very sad to hear. My grandparents had a similar cottage in New Hampshire where I used to spend my summers as a kid. My uncle (mom's brother) ended up with the place upon grandma's death and a bitter argument ensued about rights/access. It was a long time ago and I don't remember the details, but the short version is I've never been back and expect I never will be. Kinda' sucks. Everyone gets along now (it was a long time ago) but it's still lousy to see a place you care about and have sentimental attachments to stripped away from you or abused/destroyed.

[notfarnow]

As for the finances, that's not an issue at all. She's spending plenty of money, even up at the cottage. She had the whole inside painted two years in a row, because it's peeling (duh). Apparently, she's having the outside painted this year, because it's peeling (duh). She is either crazy or stupid.

I agree that the kids need to band together and deal with it, even if momma is being railroaded. But it's complicated by all her mental issues. They see it as a whole relationship that needs to be re-negotiated. As I said, my wife can't even discuss it without being in tears.

I go up there and I see a cottage that's rotting unnecessarily. It seems simple... just fix it. They just don't see it that way. They think we'll eventually mend things, and start going up and work on the camp again.

I don't think it can wait that long. It's at a tipping point. When joists are rotting, you are running outta time.

[jyl]

I agree w/ the rest - if the cottage is legally in the kids' names, then the kids should take control of it and rehab it, sell it, whatever.

I don't understand why the kids have let the mother destroy a family asset, which belongs to the kids, for so long. Especially knowing that the mother is mentally lacking. Do they expect to "re-negotiate" with a mentally unstable person?

Perhaps the kids have been neglecting the property as much as the mother.

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by Kurt V

Why would a family let one mean, spiteful woman control their future????????? Jake take charge!

I would love to take charge. I am an absolute sucker for old things than need saving. Cars, boats, homes, even dogs. But I just can't get my wife and her siblings to even talk about it. The whole things is so emotionally driven. But by not doing anything they are defaulting to a HUGE loss.

Originally Posted by JeremyD

Time for you to get the MIL in a nursing home - and take back the house. SOunds like she is sick to me.

Then all the sibilings can band together and have a work party - and start reliving some of those memories.

Well, the brother is a Dr about 300 miles from here. I have a good relationship with him. I am going to email him when I calm down. I don't think he knows how bad things are up there. He is talking to his mom on & off... pretty much the only line of communication.

The sister is in medical school, she has cut herself off completely from momma. She won't even talk about it.

Originally Posted by Porsche-O-Phile

If she is not the legal owner, get her removed/evicted from the premises. This might be difficult to do, but if things are really as bad between the various individuals as you say, it won't be much worse. One call to the P.D. or sheriff's office. I don't think they'd even have to be there when she's. . . um. . . "forcibly removed".

Do it right away. The longer she stays, the more rights she may gain to the property (squatter's rights). Delaying might make things a lot worse.

I know. We actually started that process a few days before the wedding, but chickened out. That was fun. Since then, it is just a big bad issue we can't even really talk about.

[JeremyD]

Or the Mother has gotten a case of the whackadoos. It happens - not everybody ages gracefully.

My dad ran off to england (he used to despise the weather) and has cut off all communication with his family - he's met my daughter once - his loss but like the dude in braveheart said - "he's not right in the head." Thankfully - I don't have to deal with it...

[JeremyD]

When my wife was dealing with some delicate family matters with her sibilings - I recommended they all got on a conference call - they had an agenda for the call - emailed it out ahead of time - it worked - they were all part of the decision process - and all had to implement part of the solution.

It's different - and difficult dealing with this is a spouse though - and I recommend that you don't cross the line - be there for your wife - be supportive for her family - but be careful too.

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by JeremyD

When my wife was dealing with some delicate family matters with her sibilings - I recommended they all got on a conference call - they had an agenda for the call - emailed it out ahead of time - it worked - they were all part of the decision process - and all had to implement part of the solution.

It's different - and difficult dealing with this is a spouse though - and I recommend that you don't cross the line - be there for your wife - be supportive for her family - but be careful too.

Thanks, I think there is great advice in there.

I think I am failing to broach the subject in a way that they are comfortable with. Even a couple years ago, I saw it as urgent and pressing, they saw it as something they wanted to avoid in order to avoid their mother. But at the same time, they talk about how much they look forward to being up there again.

It's hard because it's not my family, and it's not my cottage. But I get the sense that they don't really understand what is going on up there, and what the consequences of their inaction will be.

[Rot 911]

Jake, show them the pictures!