I may be a father! (?)

Hebrewhomeboy · 04-17-2009, 08:16 PM

I'm sure some of you remember my thread about 6 months ago about my ex girlfriend, who I learned was cheating on me and had a cocaine problem. Well I kicked her out and thought that was the end of it. Nope. As it turns out, she just had a child, a bit over a month premature, and listed me as the father. Child Protective Services got in contact with my First Sergeant, who just sat me down and told me about it. I have a few options to consider, I'm just confused and not sure what to do, it's an odd situation. I know there's a lot of level-headed people on here, and I know I can always come here for sound advice, so I figured I'd ask you guys.

What I'm planning on, at least for now, is getting a paternity test, and if it's mine then raising it somehow. If he's mine, of course I want to raise him, but due to my military career, the next year would be very difficult to raise a child. I'm considering giving him up for adoption, as long as I can still contact him and see him growing up. I'm considering that option, because I know a good stable family may be able to give him a better life than me. I don't really know what to do. If I can get through this first year, then I'll be stationed somewhere stable and non-deployable, and everything will be fine, I'm just worried about the first year.

And as far as the baby goes, his name is Charmikal. I can't stand that name (she chose it of course), so I'd probably change it. He's 4 pounds 5.8 ounces and since he's premature, he's in the NICU, I think they call it. According to my ex's sister, the baby is healthy other than being premature. Ugh, I feel so lost, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll call Child Protective Services on Monday and just go from there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And you know, one of these days I'll put something positive in the general forum!! Jeeze, so far a junkie ex, dead mom, and dislocated shoulder, now this. What's next!?

Hebrewhomeboy · 04-17-2009, 08:18 PM

I need to remember to call the baby "he" instead of "it".

pwd72s · 04-17-2009, 08:22 PM

Wise of you...paternity test first! For the baby's sake, I hope she didn't keep using coke throughout the pregnancy...

vash · vash's Garage

OMG!

i hope and pray it works out for you. i am scared FOR YOU. dont make a move without a paternity test. you have that right.

artplumber · 08:32 PM

Ummm, at this point, unless she says OK too, I suspect you can't put the child up for adoption. CPS probably would place the child in foster care if you felt you were unable to take care of the child. Also one of the joys of parenthood, kids are "inconvenient", but if the child is yours, sounds like you have a tough decision.

This could be a "bridge" for her to get back into your life as well.... In any case, you'll have to deal with her more for now.

This feels a lot like daytime TV...(just lightening the mood)

VincentVega · 04-17-2009, 08:32 PM

Chill out, go for a run or something. Get the test. Relax.

pwd72s · 04-17-2009, 08:34 PM

Actually, I'd want the test done by two separate labs...

Tidybuoy · 04-17-2009, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hebrewhomeboy

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And you know, one of these days I'll put something positive in the general forum!! Jeeze, so far a junkie ex, dead mom, and dislocated shoulder, now this. What's next!?

Next time wear a condom - it honestly sounds like neither one of you are ready to be parents.

KaptKaos · 04-17-2009, 08:39 PM

Wow!

You need a paternity test.

After that, I am not sure what to tell you. I don't think you can adopt the baby out without her consent. Does the service your in offer legal assistance? If so, TAKE IT!

You may be different, but if the baby were mine, I would want sole custody. You will need to be an ******* to her, but don't give in. Assuming he's your son, you need to protect your boy. That's job 1. She has drug problems and can not raise this child, period.

Find out if he's yours, fight hard, fight fast, secure his protection and take him.

She will wind up being a thorn in your side for years, but you can't leave your son to her care. You just can't.

Arizona_928 · 04-17-2009, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Martin

Chill out, go for a run or something. Get the test. Relax.

I feel that saying has more then one meaning towards it...

Hebrewhomeboy · 04-17-2009, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tidybuoy

Next time wear a condom - it honestly sounds like neither one of you are ready to be parents.

Well inappropriate comment removed. -Z-man. I did wear a condom, but I guess I need to remind you that they aren't 100% effective. And I guess you didn't read everything completely. I'm fully capable of being a parent. My job however gives me time constraints that would make it very hard on the child.

Don't post in this thread again, since you obviously just feel like making douchebag comments.

Hebrewhomeboy · 04-17-2009, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KaptKaos

Wow!

You need a paternity test.

After that, I am not sure what to tell you. I don't think you can adopt the baby out without her consent. Does the service your in offer legal assistance? If so, TAKE IT!

You may be different, but if the baby were mine, I would want sole custody. You will need to be an ******* to her, but don't give in. Assuming he's your son, you need to protect your boy. That's job 1. She has drug problems and can not raise this child, period.

Find out if he's yours, fight hard, fight fast, secure his protection and take him.

She will wind up being a thorn in your side for years, but you can't leave your son to her care. You just can't.

That's kinda my thoughts. If it's mine, I'll try everything possible for 100% custody, I don't even want her to get visitation rights. I'd be happy if she never got to see him again. That I know of, from what her sister has told me and what I've been able to gather, she didn't use drugs consistently throughout the pregnancy, but she did use cocaine, I don't know how much but I do know there were at least a few "clean" breaks of a few months. I think Child Protection Services is trying to see how they can protect the baby from her, since they seem to know about her drug problem. So that's in my favor. Even if it's not mine, I'd still like to do what I can to get the kid away from her, so she can't ruin him any more than she possibly already has.

Hebrewhomeboy · 04-17-2009, 09:09 PM

I think what's bothering me most now is that I have to wait until Monday morning to call child protective services back, I don't like that I can't do something about it now. When something important comes up, I want to take care of it right now, not in a few days.

KevinP73 · 04-17-2009, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Wise of you...paternity test first! For the baby's sake, I hope she didn't keep using coke throughout the pregnancy...

MMMmmmm lets see, a substantial coke habit, one month premature, I'd say the odds are about 99.999% in favor of drug use while pregnant.

Hebrewhomeboy · 04-17-2009, 09:16 PM

Oh I know she used it during the pregnancy, I'm just not sure how much. I don't think anyone asking her would help, she would just lie. At least the baby is healthy at this point in time, other than being premature.

KevinP73 · 04-17-2009, 09:27 PM

Using Cocaine During Pregnancy May Damage Developing Fetuses, Causing Lifelong Learning Disabilities
The Complete Article
I think you'll find that there is no such thing as just a "little" cocane use when it comes to the fetus.

m21sniper · 04-17-2009, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hebrewhomeboy

I'm sure some of you remember my thread about 6 months ago about my ex girlfriend, who I learned was cheating on me and had a cocaine problem. Well I kicked her out and thought that was the end of it. Nope. As it turns out, she just had a child, a bit over a month premature, and listed me as the father. Child Protective Services got in contact with my First Sergeant, who just sat me down and told me about it. I have a few options to consider, I'm just confused and not sure what to do, it's an odd situation. I know there's a lot of level-headed people on here, and I know I can always come here for sound advice, so I figured I'd ask you guys.

What I'm planning on, at least for now, is getting a paternity test, and if it's mine then raising it somehow. If he's mine, of course I want to raise him, but due to my military career, the next year would be very difficult to raise a child. I'm considering giving him up for adoption, as long as I can still contact him and see him growing up. I'm considering that option, because I know a good stable family may be able to give him a better life than me. I don't really know what to do. If I can get through this first year, then I'll be stationed somewhere stable and non-deployable, and everything will be fine, I'm just worried about the first year.

And as far as the baby goes, his name is Charmikal. I can't stand that name (she chose it of course), so I'd probably change it. He's 4 pounds 5.8 ounces and since he's premature, he's in the NICU, I think they call it. According to my ex's sister, the baby is healthy other than being premature. Ugh, I feel so lost, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll call Child Protective Services on Monday and just go from there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And you know, one of these days I'll put something positive in the general forum!! Jeeze, so far a junkie ex, dead mom, and dislocated shoulder, now this. What's next!?

Get a DNA test troop.

Do NOT take her word for it.

m21sniper · 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Actually, I'd want the test done by two separate labs...

Definitely.

Are you in the 25th ID homeboy?

Moses · 04-17-2009, 09:55 PM

Want some advice?

DO NOT VISIT THE INFANT OR ITS MOTHER UNTIL PATERNITY IS ESTABLISHED.

In truth, you are probably not the father. Junkies always name their most stable and reliable sexual partners as the father. The hope is that you'll fall in love with the infant quickly and decide to drop the paternity test idea completely.

Paternity tests are pretty quick. If you are in fact the father, you'll have the infants whole life to establish a relationship. In many jurisdictions once you have assumed the role of "father" you are on the hook for 18 years of child support even if paternity testing proves you are not the father.

Trust me on this. Stay away.

911Rob · 911Rob's Garage

Well Homeboy it's been stated enough times...... test first.
If he's not your son, count your blessings.
If it is............. get ready, your life is changed forever.

Should the test become positive, then you need to become positive.
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Take on an attitude of gratitude immediately!
Do everything in your power to become this boys father, just like the Kaptain said.

When it comes to your child, you WILL experience huge amount of remorse and regret if you do not do everything in your power to love this child and raise it. Be grateful about it too. There are tons of aids available to assist you.

You can likely hire the services of a nanny for the first year or even two if you are challenged? Don't even think about adoption imo.

As for visitation rights, even if the boys mother is a two bit tramp, he will love her and you wont be able to prevent it, just prepare him for it; she will be there for a lifetime.

I am a father of five and there is no greater joy than the gift of a child.
Get the test, if its positive, make the change; you're a winner, you'll do fine.
Follow your paternal instincts. Trust yourself.

God Bless Ya!